kiraleann : I’m going to take a slightly different approach here because when I read through your OP and your subsequent responses the thought I was having was “he doesn’t care about the wedding” not “he doesn’t care about marrying you”. To me, that’s not a bad thing.
So my SO does NOT want to have a wedding, the thought of a wedding gives him major anxiety. He doesn’t want to be vulnerable in front of everyone he knows, he stresses about how his parents will act or that his family will embarrass him in front of my family, he stresses about how much money a wedding will cost. All very valid reasons (in my mind) to dislike the idea of a wedding.
I believe that a lot of the time, women care more about the actual wedding than men do. It makes sense, think about growing up, movies about weddings are catered to women, all Disney movies end with the happily ever after wedding, weddings are a fantasy pushed on women from a very young age and because of that a lot of girls so fantasize about the wedding they will have one day. Not all women do, but I’ve met many many women that have ideas of their wedding well before a relationship and personally have never once met a man that does.
Because of this, a wedding will be much more important to a woman than a man in planning. Again I’m speaking in generalized terms, this doesn’t apply to every couple. I think it’s pretty understandable that he doesn’t really care about the wedding (not because he doesn’t care about marrying you) but because he just doesn’t see what there is to care about. You will have all these details in your mind of, I need flowers, I need the right cake, I need this, that, etc… and he’s probably thinking, I’ll grab a tux at some point, tell my family and friends about the party and boom, everything’s gravy.
If my SO and I decide to have a wedding it will be because I want one, and him agreeing is the compromise. I understand that, and because I know how he feels about it, and that we’re doing it for me essentially, I would expect to be in charge of the planning. I wouldn’t expect him to take charge of anything or even know where to start. Now if I asked him to do something by a certain date I would expect that to get done for sure. I think that is something you need to address with him. Just because he doesn’t understand the time crunch doesn’t mean he should agree to do something by a certain time and then not follow through. But if he really doesn’t understand maybe you need to have a conversation about why you asked him to do things by a certain date.
I agree that if something is important to you he should take it seriously and it should be important for him too but in his mind the fact that he’s going to do it at all could be him taking it seriously. Maybe he didn’t really want a wedding for whatever reason and he feels like agreeing to it is showing you he understands that it’s important to you. No one can deny that if they truly feel like something doesn’t matter it’s really easy to forget about it or procrastinate doing it. It’s about priorities and in your mind planning this wedding is a big priority, in his, it clearly isn’t. I don’t think that’s a reflection on how much he loves you and wants to marry you but a reflection on how he feels about a wedding. I also don’t necessarily think this is a reflection on how he would be as a father, it could be, but if he takes being a father seriously, than doing things for his kids is really different than caring about planning a party.
My SO genuinely doesn’t understand why a wedding is important, and I get that because I don’t really think it is! A marriage is important, a celebration? Not necessary. It’s something people do because they want it, not because it’s needed.