(Closed) FH not pulling his weight and I am stressed out!

posted 4 months ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I dunno, I’m torn on this one. My husband who is normally very type A and organized, was also completely useless during wedding planning. It was one of the few, count-on-one-hand things we’d fought about up to that point. He would actually promise he’d do something by X day and when X day came lo and behold he hadn’t gotten around to it yet.  I think I felt more baffled than any other emotion, because normally he’s way above average at carrying the mental load and all that—He does more household chores than me and works more hours besides. Come wedding day though, he was super excited and emotional. So it wasn’t that he wasn’t ready or didn’t want to marry me.

Post # 32
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Good luck trying to get him pull his weight with parenting.  Will the bottles get washed? Will he remember to find a Nose Frieda? Help you research nipple creams? Keep tabs on the diaper pail liners? Narrow down the list of potential pediatricians? Schedule the family photos? Keep the house clean while you recover from delivery? 

This man can’t be bothered to ensure he’s properly dressed for your wedding.  He can’t be bothered to send a text. Think about that.  He is showing you exactly who he is and who he will continue to be.

 

 

Post # 33
Member
6652 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Well, according to your posts, he’s not lazy. He’s being a super duper planner when it comes to your fun (for him) honeymoon trip. But when it comes to your actual WEDDING he can’t even provide you with some addresses? Really? That shows you what his priorities are. My husband wasn’t into wedding planning at all, aside from a few specific things. But the difference was I knew 110% how excited he actually was to marry me. There was no doubt in my mind that this is what he wanted. But in reading all your updates, you don’t sound sure at all, and I don’t think I would be either given what you’ve desecribed. He hasn’t had an active role in ANY of this, engagement or wedding planning. He’s just kind of along for the ride and not enthusiastic about it. 

Post # 34
Member
2054 posts
Buzzing bee

kiraleann :  I don’t mean this in a rude way at all, so please don’t take it that way—but are you sure you’re not just marrying him because you’ve got a ticking clock and he’s the first guy that was willing to commit? because he doesn’t seem like the type of person you’d like to raise children with. he’s selfish and self-absorbed…only *his* desires matter, and I’m sure he’s shown you that all along. 

 

why don’t you believe you deserve a guy who is over the MOON to marry you? he just seems apathetic about it all. like “sure, I guess I’ll marry you” 

Post # 35
Member
402 posts
Helper bee

anatheanalyst :  I HATE this trop. It simply isn’t true that men don’t care about getting married. It’s bullshit propegatded by terrible television. 

Some men care. Some women care. Some men don’t care. Some women dont’ care. If your fiancee isn’t doing his part it isn’t “because he is a man.” It’s because he either disagrees with what is being organized and doesn’t have the guts to say it, or is lazy and doesn’t do his share of work. Either way, its because HE is a jerk. It’s got nothing to do wth all men. 

Post # 36
Member
762 posts
Busy bee

kiraleann :  apologies – I haven’t read all the other responses in between..

All these things he hasnt done are things that benefit him. SOmething to wear, HIS friends invited, live band that HE wants.. 

If he is not mature or togther enough to organise these things:

a) are you sure you want to be married to him for life…?; and 

b) why are YOU stressing about them…he doesnt do them so, he has no clothes / has no friends coming along / no live band he wanted… shit one for him… 

Stop mothering him or you’ll spend your whole life doing it…and who wants to mother a grown man (not me!)

Post # 38
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee

To be honest, my husband was very similar even down to procrastinating and waiting to ask his groomsmen until the last minute.    In my case his actions didn’t say he didn’t want to marry me but spoke more to our different styles.  I won’t deny that it’s annoying, though.

Post # 39
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Iʻm super torn too.

My first husband was a groomzilla of sorts, called all the shots dictated all the decisons, knew exactly what he wanted and planned most of the wedding. That marriage was just awful on so many levels.

I was engaged again well after the divorce to another man and he couldnʻt have cared less about the wedding, like didnʻt even wanna talk about it, let alone put effort into it. I broke things off cuz the relationshp was just not what I thought it should be and I have no regrets.

My current FH loves to talk about the wedding, has a clear vision of things, but doesnʻt make anything difficult, we just discuss things and make joint choices on everything. That said, our wedding is extremely miniscule and simple so thereʻs not a whole lot to do/decide. Our relationship is wonderful and I am so happy.

Post # 40
Member
1139 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

kiraleann :  Wait, why would he have to compromise his future in order to be with you? That isn’t how healthy relationships work. You enrich each others’ lives and encourage each other get to where you want to be, collectively as a couple. You don’t “love someone enough”, bc you shouldn’t need a reason to love someone…  

Anyway, in response to your question, he either needs to help out or you elope. He can’t have it both ways. Wedding planning is hard work and he needs to pull his weight if he wants the wedding to happen. His priorities are obviously messed up if he’s off in la la land doing his own thing, where he’s not thinking like he’s a part of this wedding (i.e. relationship) at all. 

Post # 41
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

kiraleann :  I’m going to take a slightly different approach here because when I read through your OP and your subsequent responses the thought I was having was “he doesn’t care about the wedding” not “he doesn’t care about marrying you”. To me, that’s not a bad thing. 

So my SO does NOT want to have a wedding, the thought of a wedding gives him major anxiety. He doesn’t want to be vulnerable in front of everyone he knows, he stresses about how his parents will act or that his family will embarrass him in front of my family, he stresses about how much money a wedding will cost. All very valid reasons (in my mind) to dislike the idea of a wedding. 

I believe that a lot of the time, women care more about the actual wedding than men do. It makes sense, think about growing up, movies about weddings are catered to women, all Disney movies end with the happily ever after wedding, weddings are a fantasy pushed on women from a very young age and because of that a lot of girls so fantasize about the wedding they will have one day. Not all women do, but I’ve met many many women that have ideas of their wedding well before a relationship and personally have never once met a man that does.

Because of this, a wedding will be much more important to a woman than a man in planning. Again I’m speaking in generalized terms, this doesn’t apply to every couple. I think it’s pretty understandable that he doesn’t really care about the wedding (not because he doesn’t care about marrying you) but because he just doesn’t see what there is to care about. You will have all these details in your mind of, I need flowers, I need the right cake, I need this, that, etc… and he’s probably thinking, I’ll grab a tux at some point, tell my family and friends about the party and boom, everything’s gravy. 

If my SO and I decide to have a wedding it will be because I want one, and him agreeing is the compromise. I understand that, and because I know how he feels about it, and that we’re doing it for me essentially, I would expect to be in charge of the planning. I wouldn’t expect him to take charge of anything or even know where to start. Now if I asked him to do something by a certain date I would expect that to get done for sure. I think that is something you need to address with him. Just because he doesn’t understand the time crunch doesn’t mean he should agree to do something by a certain time and then not follow through. But if he really doesn’t understand maybe you need to have a conversation about why you asked him to do things by a certain date.

I agree that if something is important to you he should take it seriously and it should be important for him too but in his mind the fact that he’s going to do it at all could be him taking it seriously. Maybe he didn’t really want a wedding for whatever reason and he feels like agreeing to it is showing you he understands that it’s important to you. No one can deny that if they truly feel like something doesn’t matter it’s really easy to forget about it or procrastinate doing it. It’s about priorities and in your mind planning this wedding is a big priority, in his, it clearly isn’t. I don’t think that’s a reflection on how much he loves you and wants to marry you but a reflection on how he feels about a wedding. I also don’t necessarily think this is a reflection on how he would be as a father, it could be, but if he takes being a father seriously, than doing things for his kids is really different than caring about planning a party.

My SO genuinely doesn’t understand why a wedding is important, and I get that because I don’t really think it is! A marriage is important, a celebration? Not necessary. It’s something people do because they want it, not because it’s needed. 

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