FH Sister in BP – not attending RD and leaving reception early bc of kids

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
7058 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Kasey Michelle :  When you have a kid free wedding, that comes with the understanding that some people will either a) not attend, or b) attend but leave early. Your SIL is choosing to attend but leave early…and that’s her choice. You either have to be ok with that, or let the kids stay.

For the record, I am 100% on board with kid-free weddings. I had one myself, and honestly feel as though weddings are not an apporpriate place for kids unless you’re having a casual get-together. That being  said I was completely ok with people who opted not to come because their kids weren’t invited.

Assuming she uses babysitters for other times in life when she wants to go somewhere without her kids, this probably just stems from her being a brat about her kids not being allowed to stay. If that’s what she wants to do, it’s out of your control.

Post # 3
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

So here’s the thing. You have a right to an adults only event, same here, but she also has the right to decide not to stay until the end since that means not being with her children. I don’t really see why this is bothering you so much. Both of you have made the decision you feel is best. She’s not bailing on your wedding day, making a fuss about it or threatening not to come at all. She’ll be there, dressed appropriately and then leave early due to the circumstances. She’s also coming to the rehearsal, its not required that she stay for dinner. idk she seems to be handling this just fine to me. 

Post # 4
7836 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You have every right to have a child free wedding. And she has every right to make decisions regarding her children and childcare for them. She’s is removing them so they won’t be there when you don’t want them. You don’t get to dictate what she does with them. I don’t leave my children with anyone besides my mother and my mother in law. So I definitely wouldn’t be leaving them with a baby sitter I didn’t know (it doesn’t matter at all to me that you’ve known them your whole life).

Post # 6
5035 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

“I have known her for 11 years, and it’s just kind of a really shitty feeling to now make this whol weekend about her.”

I don’t think she is making the entire weekend about her. I think she is compromising by being there for the rehearsal and by being there for your wedding ceremony while doing what she feels is in the best interest of her children.

I am not a parent but I would never tell another person how to parent their children.  If she isn’t comfortable leaving her children with some unknown babysitter then that’s her business.

It may not be what you envisioned but try to be happy that she will be present for the most important events surrounding your wedding.

As for relaxation, meditate, yoga, wine, massage, go for a walk. Put things in perspective.

Post # 7
6829 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I also don’t see how she is making it about her?

She may find a babysitter and stay. She may not, and leave early. Her choice. She can still be a bridesmaid. You will still get married. It will only impact you as much as you allow it to. 

Post # 9
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Honestly this is one of those situations where no one cares about your wedding as much as you. While she may find a babysitter for nights when she wants to go out, those are nights she chooses and she may feel a little resentful about not being able to bring her kids. Since she can’t bring her kids, it’s her choice to leave early and you just have to deal. Don’t give it any more energy and just let it be.

For what it’s worth-I’m a new mom and I wouldn’t bring my kid to a wedding.  Once again I think in this situation she doesn’t like not even having the choice.

Post # 10
5594 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Kasey Michelle :  

I’m sorry, I would be completely turned off by your “find a sitter” comment. That sounds really rude and insensitive.

It doesn’t matter that you’ve known this sitter for your whole life blah blah blah, the kids PARENTS have never met the person before.

I’m sure if your response was more sensitive than “find a sitter” they would be more than willing to try and figure it out.

I’m not saying you need to have the kids at the wedding, I’m just saying your attitude is less than understanding and I wouldn’t want to be around it either.

Post # 11
5035 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Kasey Michelle :  I can see how it may hurt that she prioritizes her own personal social life differently than how she is prioritizing your wedding.  But if I were you I wouldn’t waste another second worrying about it.  I think you will look back on your wedding and realize it was such a minute detail.  You will have many others to party with.  Don’t let this ruin such a happy event in your life!  Also, I totally support getting a massage.

Post # 12
3434 posts
Sugar bee

Post # 13
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You need to get over this. She is compromising by being there for the important parts: the ceremony and the rehearsal itself (and the rehearsal isn’t really that important). You can’t force someone to want to celebrate with you, especially if they have kids they are worried about. It’s not that easy for some people to just “get a sitter” and other parents don’t want to leave their kids with people they don’t personally know. This is a consequence you will have to accept by having a kids free wedding. 

Post # 15
47209 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You need to find a way to let this go. I agree with you that her behavior is ridiculous. She wouldn’t be the first parent to want to bring their children because i’ts an opportunity to show them off to all the relatives who will be there.

No matter what her motivation though, you have no understanding that MOST parents won’t leave their children with a stranger.

Instead of letting her push your buttons over this issue, just tell her that you understand her deision.

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