FH Sister in BP – not attending RD and leaving reception early bc of kids

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
12208 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Kasey Michelle :  I see it differently. While you have the perfect right to opt for a child free wedding, and while I understand you made this clear to Future Sister-In-Law initially, your mistake was inviting her kids to be in the ceremony. My guess is that at that point  she thought you were making an exception.

As I’m saying a lot today for some reason, flower girls and ring bearers are child guests who have been given an honor. They are totally optional. They should not be there if their only purpose is to be a prop, playing a role. It would be different if the parents wanted to send the kids off after the ceremony. I’ve done that with my own kids, in fact. In your place, I would have left the decision up to them or not invited the kids at all. 

As for it being inappropriate for children to be at a wedding in general, I totally disagree that the presence of alcohol justifies that, unless of course, your guest list is full of out of control alcoholics whom you expect to get hammered and out of control. In that case, I probably wouldn’t want to attend as an adult and might rethink my guest list. It’s a wedding, not a bar scene. 

Post # 48
Member
9815 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

WOW, I can’t believe someone is this worked up over someone leaving the wedding at 8:30pm and not going to the rehearsal dinner.  These people aren’t your prisoners. Maybe she can sense your attitude and wants to use her kids as an excuse to get out of being there as much as she can. Or maybe she is a brat but who GAF. This isn’t even worth getting worked up over. Move on!

Post # 49
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

BrewNinja55 :  I am sorry you are going through this. I hope things get better for you. Sorry if I sounded cold about the mother wanting to leave early I guess I upset some people. I think this person should try to get a sitter for you and the fact that she is not is sad. I think you are entitled to have a child free event on YOUR day! I hope this mother figures her stuff out and realizes that you are trying to be accommodating and telling her about stuff in advance. If she leaves early don’t let it bother you just keep it in mind when she wants you to do things for her and evaluate how much effort you should put in for her and her stuff. I am not saying be mean for no reason but when people don’t make you their priority I wouldn’t go the extra mile for this person just the bare minimum since you basically have to because its family. I think you should take a big deep breath and move on from this situation. Just focus on your happiness and that you are getting an amazing husband. If anyone else gives you grief about this tell them it is your wedding and you gave the Momzilla a years notice etc.

Post # 50
Member
5556 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

weddinggirl2009 :  

I’m pretty sure prioritizing your children makes you a good parent.

As pp said, you clearly don’t have children so you don’t understand that prioritizing them above anyone else is just how being a parent goes.

For some reason, I never saw all of these updates and I’m certainly glad I missed them as they happened, you are incredibly offensive.

Post # 51
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

Sansa85 :  I am not trying to offend you. I do not have children because I am not married yet. I would definitely prioritize my children over all others. However, when someone gives you ample notice you should be able to schedule a babysitter and if you cant you should just respond that you cannot do it and not try to make the bride feel guilty. This is common sense. I am sorry but a wedding is not all about small children. It is about the bride and groom getting married. I think that if she wants an adult reception that is her choice. I feel bad that people are making her feel guilty. It is this mother’s choice to be rude in this situation and it is rude and uncaring. This is not a good example for her children to just do whatever you feel like and not care about other people. I would never want to be that kind of parent. I get that things happen but it is not as if a babysitter flaked on them and they had no choice. This person just doesn’t want to get a babysitter. I am an aunt and I have watched my nieces and nephews many times and I get its hard to get a babysitter. However with a years notice the person should be able to figure it out. You should feel sorry for the bride not for the person that wants to make someone else’s wedding about their little kids. I honestly feel for the bride because I am in this situation now where you tell someone about an event way in advance to try to help them coordinate child care or babysitters and then they last minute act like what ?When was that? and it is like come on I am coordinating a wedding cant you at least try to do things. I feel like it is fine if someone cancels due to child problems that came about last minute however to be rude when you were given notice is bad.

Post # 52
Member
5556 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

weddinggirl2009 :  

I just read every update from op and I don’t see a “momzilla” or the mother being rude or making the bride feel guilty anywhere.

She’s leaving the reception early and attending the rehearsal, not the dinner. Not sure how that makes her rude.

Op let it go two days ago, you should too 😉

Post # 53
Member
741 posts
Busy bee

weddinggirl2009 :  Your embellishing the story that OP has told though, the mother hasn’t tried to guilt OP into inviting the kids, or said anything to make her feel bad or change her mind.  She just said she would take the kids home after the ceremony, I don’t know why you’re adding all this extra stuff about her making it all about her kids and being rude to the bride. 

Post # 54
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee

How many people here making the flippant “just get a sitter” comments actually are parents themselves?  Because honestly, I used to be that way too – I didn’t understand moms who would cry about coming back to work after maternity leave (thinking in my head, “you’ll see them at the end of the day – what’s the big deal?”) and I didn’t understand my friends who were reluctant to use babysitters.  Until I had kids.  Then I was the mom crying going back to work, and I was clingly too, I’ll admit it.  Not only did I not want to be away from them on weekends since that was the only time I got to spend with them due to work, but I didn’t trust anyone to babysit for like a year, and I am still only comfortable with my own parents.  There’s no way in hell I would leave them with some stranger, regardless of whether some one else knows them and trusts them.  The thing is, kids can be very particular about their routines, meals, being put to bed, etc., so it’s not that easy to just pass them off to some group babysitting situation – how would bedtime even work if they aren’t at home?  Wouldn’t the kids be scared in a strange place with a stranger watching them?  And for the wedding, it really would be easier to find a sitter if you would leave them for the whole day/evening, but having to figure out how to transition to a sitter at 8pm mid-wedding isn’t that easy given they have to transport them home (presumably), have a sitter come over, transfer things over, and then come back to the wedding.  I can see why the mom might be thinking it’s easier for her to just take them home and stay there at that point.  I can also imagine that most people she trusts as babysitters might be family members who are also tied up with the wedding, which might limit her babysitting options.  

Anyway, for your sake, I hope she can work it out to stay all night or decides to send her husband home with the kids….that does seem like a reasonable option to me.  I can understand your frustration, I really can.  Just trying to also point out the other person’s viewpoint.

Post # 55
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

anothernewbee16 :  I think you helped me a little bit here. I was not trying to seem rude or mean. I do think it is really hard when you are the bride to try and coordinate not just everyone but everyone feelings. I do understand a little bit more now. The mother is having an emotional response and it is a good point that some of the relatives may be at the wedding themselves. When I read this though it just sounded like the mother was being uncaring but not taking care of the stuff she is suppose to. I can understand this more now by what you said. I wish people were not so mean on here. I guess I apologize if I offended anyone. I feel like it just gets so frustrating when your the last bride to get married and everything seems to be about your friends or relatives kids and like when they got married kids were not a factor and it just seems unfair to the bride. It can just hurt for the bride to not even have someone be helpful or respectful on the day of the wedding which is suppose to be an important day for the bride and groom. I feel like your comment made me realize the other side a bit now.

Post # 56
Member
2525 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

anothernewbee16 :   100% this. There’s only 3 lots of people I will leave my daughter with- my husband, my parents and at nursery. 

Post # 57
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee

weddinggirl2009 :  Glad it helped!  And I certainly understand how stressful it is being the bride and feeling like you’re going to so much effort to make this a great day and people close to you don’t seem committed to doing the same.  I also know how it’s harder when you get married after people have kids already and yet when they got married they didn’t have to worry about this stuff.  I just got remarried last summer and we had to go through this with our own kids — we wanted them part of the ceremony of course, but knew they weren’t old enough to stay for a fancy dinner or the adults-only reception thereafter, and it took a lot of creativity to work it out so we could have it both ways….even for OUR OWN wedding!  So I can see both sides.  I just know from my own experience that I really didn’t “get” the kid stuff fully until I had my own kids.  

P.S.  Another thing to keep in mind about parents, especially those with young kids.  Staying out super late and drinking often isn’t very fun anymore!  Because you’re up at the crack of dawn thh day of the wedding with the little ones, and surely they will be up bright and early the next day regardless of whether you’ve slept much or might be hung over (in fact, I think kids are trained to be extra loud and sleep less if that’s the case, lol!)  Of course, the mom with kids in OP’s situation has older kids so maybe that’s less of a conern for her.  But still–if wedding guests with little kids don’t want to stay at a wedding super late, my guess is that’s why!

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