FH suffered severe spinal cord injury and I'm unsure of the future

posted 9 months ago in Emotional
Post # 30
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

sassy411 :  I’m so sorry for what you went through with your first husband. How tragic. I’ve kown several couples throughout my career who had to divorce for financial reasons even if the other spouse stayed married to that person in every other meaningful way.

I remember a woman who had brain damage from an MVA. She wasnt in a vegetative state, but she was impaired to the point where she was psychologically like a child. She did not have any recollection of her husband or two toddlers at all. He tried taking her home at one point and it couldnt be managed. Her mother and sister kept insisting she was going to eventually recover even after long term placement and therapy discharging her from services. The bottom line was that he had two young kids and a wife, through no fault of her own, was no longer able to be a mother or wife. We all knew what the family probably would have put him through if he tried to move on, even though she would not have known the difference at all or cared. My guess is if asked what she would have wanted him to do before her accident it would have been for him to go forward with a life and partner for himself and her children. “Till death do us part” has a whole other meaning in the world of modern medicine. OP’s situation is different of course (and may definitely have a more positive outcome for him), but sometimes life throws us curve balls no one can fathom until they’ve actually had to live it themselves.

Edited to add: I am also a model, maybe I’ve seen you on the runway? It’s a side gig when I am not curing cancer.

Post # 31
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am relieved that the majority of comments on here are empathetic and supportive of the OP. I don’t care if you’re an ER doctor or even if you work in a rehab facility with paralyzed patients…until this happens to YOUR partner, you are in no position to judge how someone else copes. It’s one thing to come to work every day and care for patients like this and receive a paycheck for it; it’s quite another to be faced with the reality of a spouse who may need round the clock care for the rest of his life. Much easier to bleat on about “in sickness and in health” when it’s happening to someone else, I should think.

I second what most people are saying about seeking out counseling and not making any major decisions right now. OP, I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. 

Post # 32
Member
3411 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I’d like to add that being a woman, OP, you are always going to be judged for any decision you make or even consider that puts yourself first. Don’t let that kind of unfair judgment direct how you live your life. 

One of my good friends lost her husband in a workplace fatality almost two years ago. It was obviously devestating. She recently put up a dating profile and has now started seeing someone. All of our friends are super supportive and just want what’s best for her but she actually had a coworker fucking tell her she was moving on too quickly. I could not believe someone would have the audacity!! As if she is supposed to spend the rest of her life grieving? Or a minimum number of years? How many is that? Three? Five? Twenty? 

I’d caution not to make any decisions right now. Focus on being a supportive partner at the moment and get yourself a counselor to help you work through your feelings. The wedding is obviously on hold so put it on hold indefinitely and rid yourself of that time pressure. Take a wait and see approach for a bit and allow yourself to feel and process whatever feelings come up. 

Post # 33
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

macpartyoftwo :  oh please. Like staying with him out of guilt and being overwhelmed and unhappy is somehow better? Would you want that if you were him? Someone to marry you because they feel bad for you, or too guilty to leave?

She can help him, and be there for him without marrying him. That’s her call, and frankly you don’t have to understand it.

Post # 33
Member
4841 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

macpartyoftwo :  in sickness and in health after marriage, they’re only engaged.

I would definitely seek counseling for yourself and don’t feel guilty if you feel like you have to put off the wedding indefinitely- you can be there for him emotionally but you need to take care of yourself psychologically too. You have been through a life altering, traumatic event as well. 

Post # 34
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

Im so sorry this has happened. As others have said, OP I think you need to find an organisation that provides support for people in your situation. Don’t feel guilty for your thoughts, it’s a huge change in your life and I can only imagine you would have so many conflicting emotions. xo

 

Post # 35
Member
742 posts
Busy bee

Daisy_Mae :  Here we go again… you may disagree with what I say, and you may disagree with my being blunt, but you don’t have to discredit my achievements just to be a troll. 

Post # 37
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee

mrstodd2bee :  I think there’s an important difference in these stories that was probably coloring the perspectives of the Bees in that other story: the car accident was HIS fault, and then he left her. I think that’s why the Bees thought it was such a dick move. We just don’t have the same thing here, so that’s probably why the current Bees feel so differently. 

Regardless, I don’t think it would be a “dick move” if you decided to call off the wedding, OP. You wanted to build a life with this person, and something like this could make ANYone feel like there’s no way to build things anymore. Whether or not people ARE able to build a life with someone in this situation isn’t the point–you may FEEL like you can’t, and that makes sense. 

Post # 38
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh my gosh, bee. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. However you decide to move forward, just promise yourself that you won’t be making the decision out of guilt or perceived obligation. 

Do you have any close, non-judgemental family or friends who you can talk to about this? I can’t imagine that the prospect of actually leaving is eating you up nearly as much as you seem to be beating yourself up over even *considering* walking away. You need to actually have this conversation out loud with someone who won’t judge you, and who will let you know that you won’t be a better person for staying or a worse person for leaving…

 

ETA: you don’t need someone to tell you whether you should stay or go, you need someone who will let you know that either decision is okay to make. if someone explicitly tells you what to do, IGNORE THEM. you are free to make this choice and your moral standing is not a reflection of your choice either way. don’t listen to the “for better or for worse” bullshit guilt trip.

Post # 39
Member
483 posts
Helper bee

I am very sorry for what you’re going through, extremely difficult situation for everyone involved. 

Now I don’t want to start an argument, but someone else mentioned “in sickness and health”, and people are saying that it doesn’t matter cause they aren’t married. Now, I know that’s a wedding vow, but I don’t think you just start believing that right when you say those vows and you’re legally married. I felt that way even before I was married, when I was engaged, I just never said them out loud in front of an officiant. If the OP was married, then everyone’s answer would be different because she said “in sickness and in health”? She is engaged to be married, this isn’t some boyfriend she dated for a month or something. 

Now with that said OP, this is such a hard situation, no one has the right answer. I definitely agree that you need to speak to someone. He isn’t the only one impacted by this accident, you are very much so. I really wish you all the best. 

Post # 40
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

I am sorry you and your fiancé are going through this. I think you should give yourself some time to process everything and whatever you decide is ok. Do not let anyone make you feel bad, you can be there for him for the rest of your life as a friend if need be but I hope you don’t make any decisions just yet. 

Post # 41
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee

pearl311 :  i don’t think you’re coming from a bad place, but this is really not helpful for OP. honestly, even if she were already married, she would still be in the same predicament to make a decision whether to stay or leave. Signing up to be a full-time caregiver, sacrificing your only opportunity for physical intimacy without cheating, and no longer having a second person to parent your children (or potential children, pets, etc) is an astronomical burden for anyone to bear. Yes, “in sickness and in health” sounds good, but the reality of being a caregiver is not the life that most people want to live.

if she does decide to leave, she shouldn’t be guilted by people saying “in sickness and in health”. she can still be there for him and be a friend, but no one should be made to feel like a bad person for not wanting to martyr themselves and their natural, human desires to be someone else’s caregiver.

freak accidents happen, yes, but NO ONE is owed another person’s undying fidelity when they cannot fulfill the natural expectations that were had prior to said accident. quite contrarily, if the injured party really loves and cares for their future caregiver, they’ll understand that the person may not want to sign up for a life of caregiving and involuntary celibacy. it’s a really unfair expectation. 

also, to support my above point, even if she *does* decide to stay, that doesn’t make her a better person. sacrificing your happiness for another person doesn’t make you a shining example of moral superiority, contrary to popular belief. it doesn’t make you more generous or kind—it just means that you made a choice. being a caregiver shouldn’t be looked upon as someone being gracious. this is insulting to the person under their care. 

Post # 42
Member
483 posts
Helper bee

happiekrappie :  I’m not saying what she should do at all. It was more of a separate statement. I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. That whole paragraph of mine wasn’t directed towards her or anything, it was more just in general why does “in sickness and in health” only start when you get officially married. 

I agree with everything you said. Well said. 

Post # 43
Member
4662 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

This is terrible, I am so sorry you’re both facing this. 

Take things a day at a time. Don’t put too much pressure on yourselves and focus on FH recovery. If you need a break, be honest and take one. Try not to make hasty decisions about the future, you don’t know what it looks like yet.

I second the advice to seek out support groups.

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