FH wants a "break"

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
7000 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

He doesn’t want a break. He wants to end the relationship and he thinks by calling it a break to “work on things” he can come back and say “welp…didn’t work so lets split up”. If he can’t actively stay in this relationship and seek counseling to repair what he feels are the issues, he’s not ready to be married. 

Post # 34
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I am so sorry! At least it didn’t drag on. Contact any vendors, try to get back any money paid, notify any guests, close any joint accounts. Do this after you take some time for self care. Remember that a break up is cheaper than divorce. 

Post # 35
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

shockedbee :  

I’m really sorry, and I agree with a PP that I’m glad he didn’t drag this out but came to a decision fairly soon after telling you he needed a break. I’m also glad he is staying with his parents and giving you some space. That will help.

If you feel disappointed and devastated now, try to remember that these feelings will give way to relief and understanding as you begin to realise why this was for the best. It may not seem like it now, but I promise you it is for the best.

The best thing you can do in the days/week following a break up is be selfish and prioritise self-care. Your body and mind take a knock with a shock and upset like this. Stock up on healthy food, make sure you get enough sleep and rest, take a day off work… have long bubble baths, watch feel-good movies in your pyjamas, have hot chocolate, a glass of wine – anything that relaxes you and makes you feel pampered. Reach out to family and friends for love and support.

When you feel strong enough, deal with the practical matters like cancelling venues and suppliers and getting your money back. Tell family and friends about the break-up on a need-to-know basis. Don’t overwhelm yourself.

Best of luck.

 

Post # 36
Member
376 posts
Helper bee

Im so sorry, but its actually for the best for you. It is not good for you mentally to wait around while someone decides if you’re good enough. Like teachingbee said, there is a person out there who will see how amazing you are and NEVER let you go, even when things are rough, you will stick together and work it out because thats what partners do.

I had this happen to me and it drove me crazy wondering what he was doing all the time, so my best advice would be to keep yourself as busy as possible and try to force yourself not to let your mind wander to what he is doing. You cant worry about what hes doing. Just worry about what you’re doing. It’s SO HARD to let go, but the most important thing for you is to focus on your healing and not worry about what he’s doing. Start planning your new life. 

Post # 37
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

Ugh. I’m so sorry. I know that’s a terrible shock to the system, even if you were trying to prepare yourself. 

A few things I found helpful: the “mend” app – it helps me because it’s a daily check-in that has a brief lesson and then a quick journal prompt (you just type the entry in the app, and it’s only for you) and then some things you can check off for self-care. It’s simple, but it helps me get my focus back on myself and stay away from getting in his brain/ speculating on him. 

Therapy… can’t recommend this highly enough. For a while you’ll need a place to vent, and someone who can gently nudge you (eventually) out of the negative loops of talking about him and what he did and why etc. 

 

gym/ trainer : if you like to work out in any way – do what you love – it helps to find someone who will text you every time you’ve agreed to show up. I know this may not be easy to find. But if you can. When you’ve scheduled a workout, it just helps to be accountable because for a while, it may be hard to follow through, 

and moving your body/ breathing/ getting back in your own center and your own life is going to help you now. 

 

Keep checking in here if you need support. 

A broken engagement is a rough thing to navigate. Especially after a good trip together – I’m in that same boat. You thought you had a great time, and then the rug is pulled out from under you when he turns on you and tells his perspective. It’s so disorienting. 

 

Eventually, (and maybe not too long from now) it will become so clear to you that you are so lucky to be spared being married to a man who could hide these feelings from you and then ditch suddenly. 

Read up on attachment theory, if you’re interested- he may be dismissive/avoidant, in which case you’re even more lucky to not be marrying him. 

In any case – as you go through the “bargaining” stage of grief, DO remind yourself there is NOTHING you could have done or not done to have a different outcome here. This is ALL on him. 

 

Post # 38
Member
512 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Lots of hugs bee. If it helps, every single time i was going through a breakup and I was devastated and convinced he was what I wanted and needed, I was ALWAYS proven wrong. There is always another person out there for you. Even know that I am engaged I know that the world is large beyond measure, and happiness is a sliding scale. If my fiance left, or died in 2 years, or I got divorced, I learned the lesson years ago that there will always be companionship for me that meets my needs. 

And if you are at all religious, when i went through a particularly bad breakup I worked with the idea that if God knew this guy wasn’t the one for me that all my feelings for him and angst and upset could naturally fall away easily and harmoniously. That it couldn’t stick around because it wasn’t right. I thought of that idea every time I had a moment where i felt devastated or lonely or upset. It helped me tremendously. Hugs bee! 

Post # 40
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

shockedbee :  this is so brutal, I’m sorry to hear. Sounds like he should go to a hotel for (at least) the night. You deserve your space and quiet away from him.

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