Post # 1
FH and I have been together for 3.5 years. All of which his male best must be included on every social events, including his family’s celebration (birthdays, holidays). It wouldn’t be so bad, but his friend is very brash and socially awkward. Things aren’t so bad when his best friend has a girlfriend (currently does not) because then things are more group-based rather than a 3rd wheel situation. When he comes over on the weekends, he’ll get so drunk he has to “stay the night”. I just find this awkward because we’re in our late 20’s and I just find this bizarre.
Just needing advice from any bees on how to approach my SO about not having him involved to in EVERYTHING in our lives.
Post # 2
Does FH’s family want the friend at their events? If so, then it’s not your place to ask your FH not to invite him.
However, it is entirely reasonable and understandble for you to ask your FH not to invite him over every weekend (if that is currently a trend) and to tell him you would like to spend more time just as a couple and not with the friend all the time. It also can’t hurt to point out to your FH if you have concerns about his friends physical or mental health.
Post # 3
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
Have you had a frank discussion with your FH about this? How does he feel about it? Is the friend coming over every weekend? That would not be ok with me. I think you need to accept the fact that, as your FH’s best friend, this dude is always going to be in your life. But, you can definitely set boundaries as to how often he comes to your home.
Post # 4
nikke2bee : You need to talk to FH. If marriage is something you two are talking about boundaries with family and friends needs to be discussed now. I had this talk with my now husband before we were married. I needed to know where I stood, not by words but by actions. He was free to hang out with his friends all he wanted… but I was also free to decide if that was the relationship I wanted. I may be a bit old fashion. I strongly believe it is God first, then your spouse, then your children, then anyone else.
You need to talk to FH, if this friend is always going to be over so often then you need to decide if this really is “FH”.
Post # 5
sboom : They don’t mind if he’s there, but I don’t think they actually invite him its more of a goodwill gesture from my SO. His friend doesn’t come from the best home life, so he wants him to feel like he’s part of the family. It has unfortunately has become a trend of him getting drunk and staying over, one I don’t care for one bit.
Kings7911 : I have spoke with him about this before especially the staying the night bit. I told him that it feels weird for him to knowingly come over to stay the night which he told his friend that he can’t be staying over, so now he’s pulling the getting too drunk bit. Very immature.
BrideK2Wings : I agree with you on being more tradional in the sense of God, family, kids and others and he is religious also, that’s why I find this whole situation odd.
I know I need to clarify my expectations moving forward in our (new) engagement and soon to be marriage. I just want it to come from a good place and not seem so nagging. Also seeing if anyone had dealt with this type of clinginess before.
Post # 6
To deal with just one part of the issue: no more alcohol with this friend, since he doesn’t have the self-control to drink in moderation. Then at least he won’t have an excuse to stay the night.
Post # 7
You definitely need to have a conversation about boundaries, now that you’re about to become a household. Your needs as a wife definitely come before those of the best friend.
We almost ran into a similar situation with my husband’s best friend. The best friend used to life with hubby and his mom when they were in high school, as he also had a rough home life. He went through some phases of depression and would come stay with us for days at a time. We expected the overnight stays, as he lived out of town, but sometimes it just came to be too much for me, as I’m extremely introverted and need my space.
We had some tough talks about boundaries, and fortunately his best friend overcame some tough life challenges and is doing great. We love him like family and still enjoy when he comes to stay, but we make sure to talk between the two of us and clarify expectations on the length of stay beforehand.
Post # 8
nikke2bee : Sounds like the friend is manipulating the situation. He was told that he can’t just sleep over so now he’s getting drunk so he has to sleep over. I say he lost his chance. Sit down with your boyfriend and agree that he is not to come over on the weekends unless he and your boyfriend are going to go do something outside of the apartment. If he gets drunk your boyfriend dropps him off at his own apartment he does not come home with your boyfriend. You just have to set up that boundary.
My best friend from home lost her mom to cancer when she was a freshman in high school her dad was not very supportive and didn’t really do much parenting before her mom passed and had no idea what to do after she passed. She had two brothers and also weren’t very around. After we became friends she kind of became an unofficial member of my family. I or my mother would invite her to Christmas , Thanksgiving and she even came with us to Hawaii a few years. I completely understand having a friend that seems to need a family to lean on. But it is no excuse for this friend of your boyfriends to butt in for the rest of his life. I found that when I had a boyfriend he started to take my friends place in a sense. My boyfriend was now invited to go to Hawaii instead of my best friend. It is a transition that has to happen at some point. I say you set up your boundaries about no sleeping over even if he’s drunk even if you have to call him an Uber he does not sleep over. Moving forward you invite him to every other family holiday Event. If you do it slowly and some holidays are with your family instead of your boyfriends family it should be kind of natural that some distance is created.
Post # 9
His friend lives in a small town about 15 minutes from our town so unfortunately I can’t call an Uber, otherwise I totally would! And I’m introverted too, so I don’t like people in my bubble.
We’re getting married in a year so I’m hoping to have this behavior cut off by next year. I don’t want to go into a marriage with this weird arrangement.
Post # 10
I agree with those saying that if the friend can’t manage his alcohol intake then he doesn’t need to be drinking when he comes over.
You really need to make it clear with your Fiance that its HIS responsibility to manage this friend. What I did with my husband was let him know that he could say something to his friends or I would and it would be WAAAAAAAAY more uncomfortable if I did it. I know this is your husband’s friend and it isn’t really your place to correct his behavior but men disrespecting established boundaries and taking advantage of womens’ training to be “nice” irritates me and your Fiance is allowing this as much as his friend is doing it.
Post # 11
nikke2bee : How often is this friend staying the night? Is this a once every couple of months thing, or a every second weekend thing? Because there’s a big difference between the two.
Are you 100% sure your FH told him beforehand that he wasn’t allowed to stay over?
Post # 12
Sounds like your Dear Fiance is already married to someone else…
Post # 13
i do agree that you need to talk to your FH about this. like this thing may not be a matter to him, but it can’t go on forever. you both will soon have a family and a life of your own and you won’t want to be bothered by your FH’s bestfriend
Post # 14
oh hell no. He is overstepping bounds. It’s not you or Fi’s problem if the guy has no other friends he can hang out with. The guy needs to go find some other hobbies besides your Fiance being his only source of entertainment.
Hell to the no.
Good luck with your talk with Fi. Those are some serious boundaries for me.
Post # 15
This would drive me crazy. You dont have a problem with the best friend. You have a problem with your FH. He’s the one who needs to lay down the law to his friend, and it looks like he is hesitating to do the full monty. When friend comes over, no drinking. Don’t tell him your plans to get together with family, go out, etc.