(Closed) FH’s friend/groomsman… What happens when you don’t get along? (long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow Ok that was alot to read Laughing

I think, there will always be a Bob. Sometimes its a boss, or coworker, or family member, or best friend, but there is always someone in your SO’s life that you just really don’t jive with and can do nothing about.

The whole “maybe because we’re white” thing, I wonder that you were (just a little bit!) looking for that last straw. You said everyone else was grumbling too, and no wonder because 40 minutes is a ridiculous wait time. I think you’re fishing for a reason to have you Fiance ditch him for good, and all that is going to do is create resentment between your Fiance and you.

You not only have to deal with him for the next 8 months, but the rest of your married life. It doesn’t matter that he’s spoiled or doesn’t need to work, that he smokes pot etc. He is his wifes problem in all those aspects. It’s not his job to say “hey man, go get back together with Jaxx, she’s awesome!” when you broke up, most guys just don’t do that anyway.

Just don’t deal with him. I don’t know why you would have to anyway if he’s your FI’s BF?

Post # 4
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2006

Darling Husband can’t stand some of my friends either, mostly because they were total jerks to him the first few times they were together.  DH’s friends are OK, but they need their “boy time” and his Boyfriend or Best Friend mostly just complains about his horrible wife.  They hang at our house a lot and I am always having a facial and a pedi or watching a chic-flick when he gets here ๐Ÿ˜‰  (And by facial and pedi I mean one of those drugstore face masks that you let dry while you give youself a pedi ๐Ÿ™‚ ) 

Post # 6
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Let me guess where you were, Madiba?

On a more seriuos note, I feel your pain. I think that the racial comment would really piss me off too because I deal with crappy service in NYC bars and restaurants all th etime, and I never for a minute assume it is because I am black. I assume it is because a good number of servers in New York are terrible at what they do.

As for dealing with th efriend, I think you just have to try to relax and let it go for now. Save the battle for when it counts th emost e.g if and when you have kids you may well be justified in not wanting him being around them too much etc.

My FFIL’s girlfriend just spent Thanksgiving weekend telling me why black people in America need to stop whining and pull themselves up by their bootstraps and I was livid. I worried a bit about the wedding and whether she would say anything ridiculous, but I realise that if she does that is my license to ban her from events involving me and mine forever. If she doesn’t then everyone is happy.

I think there will always be people like that, and dealing with that is just part of being in an interracial relationship. Hopefully a time will come when the Bobs of the world are obsolete.

Post # 8
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

that sucks. Unfortunately my fiance has about 3 Bobs. I always thought I was pretty laid back but I’ve gotten into some pretty big fights with these 3 Bob’s before. One Bob is a racist redneck, so needless to say we’ve gotten in many arguments regarding race, social issues and politics. I try not to let him bait me but he gets to me everytime. He is so the opposite of fiance. And while our wedding party hasn’t been decided yet I have a horrible feeling fiance will want him as a groomsman. Ugh.

I really wish I had some advice for you, but sadly I haven’t figured out what to do with my own situation yet. I tried to avoid activites where I knew one of these Bobs would be around, but then I ended up missing fun things with fiance, and that’s not cool. I would just say do your best to ignore him.  I would also try talking to your fiance again and maybe try bringing up examples of things he has done and said that make you uncomfortable. I would hate to give him an ultimatum or make him choose but if he could at least understand  better where you are coming from maybe he’ll make more of an effort to cut back on Bob.  good luck!

Post # 10
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

We have a Bob. He got his job that he’s in now because he “knows” people, not because of his work ethic. He was a druggie in college and passed by paying people to do his work. Now he BS’s at work and is on Facebook all day. I don’t like him very much and am kind of shady about him, but I know that I need to keep my “enemies” as close as possible. With this logic I’ve been able to put myself into conversations without being the “over-bearing wife.” I feel as though my ideas and suggestions have been taken seriously and I think there’s a pretty good relationship and understanding between us all.

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