(Closed) FHs parents NO HELP

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

That sounds a bit like my fiance’s parents. Fiance and I originally wanted to have the wedding in my hometown, and fiance’s parents kept saying that they wouldn’t be able to make it because it’s too far, accommodation in this town is a bit limited, blah blah (this town is two hours from where they live, and there are two motels, plus a lot of smaller cabins, etc. for rent). They also said that most of their family – my fiance’s aunts, uncles and grandparents wouldn’t be able to come for the same reasons.

In the end, we’re just organising it how we wanted, and they can turn up or miss it. I’m beyond caring now.

Post # 4
14481 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m not sure why you would expect them to help out if it sounds like they cant afford it (based on saying that you guys will have to pay for their trip down) and they aren’t even close and just starting to rebuild a relationship.  It’s nice that your parents are helping pay, but that’s their choice.  I don’t think it’s right for you to expect his parents, or anyone else to pay for anything.  Consider yourself lucky that your parents can afford to and are paying for everything as it is.  Since it’s his parents, perhaps its best to follow his lead on how he wants to handle them?

Post # 5
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I see you are newer to the Bee (at least by the # of posts) but you will quickly learn that money from the parents is definetly not the norm anymore. That being said if your Fiance wants to build a relationship with his family, and his family cannot afford to come to the wedding, paying for them to come in my mind is a natural thing. (If he really wants them there). Also since you are paying for basically nothing, paying for their trip shouldn’t be too terrible of a deal. 

Maybe i’m baised because we are paying for his family to come here from 1000 miles away because it is important to us that they are there. 

Post # 7
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@rebecca_wcc:  Financial contribution and emotional support are two different things.  Regarding money… that’s their call.  While yes I understand it’s frustrating when ILs or parents don’t pay up, you gotta roll with it and know it’s their choice whether or not they are financially able to (or even WANT to) contribute.  So leave that alone.  If they offer great, if not, don’t sweat it.  More importantly, do NOT resent them for their choice!  Weddings are a lot of money these days and older generations often see them as a big waste of money.  Even if they have the money, if they don’t agree with shelling out thousands of dollars for a party, that’s their prerogative.

Regarding emotional support, specifically their attendance… that’s your FI’s burden to bear.  All you can do is be there for him, support him and love him.  But please don’t excerbate the issue by talking about them to him (not saying you do, you didn’t exactly mention that).  If he wants to talk about, be there for him.  If you want to talk about it, reach out to friends/family/WeddingBee.  But don’t make an already delicate situation any worse.

My take on this type of stuff, family drama, is no matter what happens, who shows/who doesn’t, who pays/who’s cheap, what you get, where you go, etc, YOU TWO ARE MARRYING EACH OTHER AND STARTING A FAMILY THAT YOU WILL SHARE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES!  What trumps that?

Post # 8
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@rebecca_wcc:  I guess it just really fustrates me that my fFH tries everything to build the relationship back up and his parents want it their way or no way!!

That is something that he has to figure out on his own, ok?  I get it, I’ve been there, when he hurts, you hurt.  And when you hurt, you get PISSED!  It makes perfect sense but it doesn’t make it right.  One of three things is going to happen here…

1-His parents finally realize they are jerks (when it comes to our way or no way) and will acquiesce.  This is unlikely.

2-Your Fiance will continue to try to “rebuild” the relationship and despite all his efforts it will get him nowhere.  Eventually he will cut all ties.  Maybe likely, but would be pretty crappy.

3-You and your Fiance and his parents will ultimately come to some type of understanding.  You both realize they are never going to change and accept it.  They realize that you two will do your own thing despite their efforts.  And everyone is civil.  DING DING DING!  I think we have a winner! 

That’s really what you guys have to work toward.  Just a mutual understanding and acceptance of one another.  Doesn’t mean you have to like them, doesn’t mean you have to kowtow to their every desire, and vice versa.  You just have to let it be.

Post # 9
1431 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t have had a real problem if my FI’s parents couldn’t afford to do the rehearsal dinner, I’d be bummed but not upset but I WOULD have a serious problem if they expected me to pay for their way to our wedding. No. They are the parents and if they want to be at their sons wedding they should do what they can to make that happen, not be a finanical burden on their children during an important time in their lives when you already have other costs like the rehearsal dinner and honeymood.

Post # 10
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Are they not coming because of money or because of the dogs?

If it’s really because of the dogs and they choose their pets over their son’s wedding, I would be so offended I wouldn’t want them there anyway. Sorry. I am a dog lover and am very picky about what I do with my pets when I’m out of town but if someone puts their dogs over their kids’ wedding . . . . that’s going too far IMO.

If it’s a money issue, maybe see what you can offer as far as helping them out — whether it’s gas, a plane ticket, or a night in a hotel. Or just say “here’s $x and use it however you please to help get you here.”

Are they really in dire straits that they can’t afford to travel or are they just refusing to travel because it can be an inconvenience?

If it’s merely a dog/convenience thing, I would be so upset and offended that I literally wouldn’t want them there.

If it’s money, offer to help as much as you can (IF you can). But other than that, I don’t think there’s anything you can do. 

Post # 12
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@rebecca_wcc:  Well I think everyone needs to stop kowtowing to your ILs.  Plain and simple.  It doesn’t make you rude or a bad DIL.  Given that statement it’s clear where their priorities lie.  If their dogs are more important than their son, so be it.  They are crazy.

Bottom line is you are NEVER going to change these people so don’t make yourself nuts over them and the ass-backward way they choose to deal with things.

Post # 13
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

If his family can afford the trip, I see absolutely NO reason why you two should pay anything towards their travel expenses. Put the money towards your honeymoon instead. 

The fact that they’re saying that they might not make it because of their dogs speaks volumes about them. I could see you and Fiance paying for their flight, and them bailing out at the last minute. I realize that Fiance wants to work on his relationship with them, but they have to work on it, too.

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