Post # 1
Member
24 posts
Newbee
So my Fiance and his ex broke up about 4ish years ago, a little over. After a year or two of no contact they attempted a friendship and have stayed in contact ever since going out to lunch a couple times throughout the year and whatnot.
This bugs the living hell out of me. As recently as a few months before we started dating he was hung up on getting her back. She cheated on him multiple times with at least 4 different guys and I don’t know about you ladies but I wouldn’t was a friendship with someone who cheated on me taking away my dignity and trust in other people.
He says they are just friends and don’t talk often and whatnot, but I don’t see how it’s possible to be friends with someone who hurt me like that. He says it’s just because they’ve known each other a long time and he can’t just stop caring completely. I know it’s possible to not care about someone who cheated on you.
He is always saying things like “you still mean a lot to me” “I still care about you” “I’m sorry things didn’t work out, I just wasn’t good enough” to her. I know this. I’ve heard this. I’ve talked to him about this, but he keeps insisting that he doesn’t want her back and he was lonely and in a bad place when we started dating and that is the only reason he wanted her. If it was the only reason why do you keep apologizing for how your relationship ended and saying how much you care?
This brings me to today. I’m taking a shower and I look down and there is a clump of this long dark brown hair in my shower. Now I have red hair, all of his family is blond and the parts of my family that have brown hair have short hair or are men. His ex is the only person with this texture and color of hair we both know. She is Asian so it is very different from western hair. I ask him about it casually, just like “Who do we know with brown hair, there was a bunch in the shower.” He gave me the “I don’t know, that’s gross” answer.
I hate this. I’ve talked to him about it. I’ve asked him not to talk to her. She has commented things on pictures of us saying “That should have been me” on Facebook so I know she isn’t innocent with her words either. I don’t want to flat out accuse him of anything without proof, but who else has hair that texture and color that would be in our shower…
Post # 3
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
My Fiance had an ex who was really brutal to him and always jerked him around and in describing how he let himself be treated so badly he said “She had me feeling so bad about myself that whenever she wanted to get back together it made me think okay, maybe this time she’ll be nice to me, maybe this time I’ll deserve to be treated well.” He smartened up about this girl about a year before I met him, but still he got jerked around for 3 years.
This girl is jerking your man around. She only wants him because he has somebody. He’s falling for it and shouldn’t be talking to any women like he talks to her. Move on and find a guy with a backbone.
Post # 4
Member
24 posts
Newbee
Oh I forgot to say this was not a casual relationship, he proposed while they were together.
Post # 5
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee
oh my gosh. Hair or no hair, he is still hung up on her! His behaviour disgusts me.
Post # 6
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
I just wasn’t good enough?! So he wasn’t good enough for her, but he’s good enough for you?!
I’m totally fine with Darling Husband being friends with exes, but it is officially over between he and his exes and they are all married now. It sounds like they both keep reminiscing and wishing they were together… let them be together then. You deserve better!!
Post # 7
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee
sorry, but there is NO way I’d be able to continue this relationship like this. If I were you, I’d give him an ultimatum: Me or her. I could not marry someone I could not trust. I mean, whats up with the hair in the shower? If he didn’t want her back/regret losing her, they wouldn’t be communicating in the manner in which they do,
Post # 8
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: June 2015 - Thorpewood
Yeah, I have to agree with PPs. Something is strange here. I could maybe understand if he had kind of had feelings for her or whatever early in your relationship but not still! It’s ridiculous. You’re engaged! Tell him if he wants to be with her so badly, he can go ahead and go to her because you deserve better!
Post # 9
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
My fiance and I were in the exact same position. He had an ex who cheated on him (4 times) broke up with him, then tried to come back multiple times. The difference is my fiance told her he had found someone and didn’t really care about being friends with her anymore. Despite her many attempts, he has NO interest in being friends with her. He doesn’t hate her, he’s suprisingly pretty apathetic towards her. I think that’s the key. You don’t want someone who “loves” or “hates” their ex. You want them to be over them. And your fiance clearly is not over her.
It sounds like she’s playing him like a fiddle. But you can’t blame her. She has no loyalty to you. You should blame him. He’s the one that’s being disloyal and disrespectful to you. He may not be “cheating” (he also might be) but either way he is emotionally involved with this other woman, and its not a platonic relationship. Moja Milosc is right, you need a guy with some backbone. If he’s not dropping her after making comments like “that should have been me” then he’s putting her before you and that’s BS!! People will treat you how you allow then to, and if you allow him to treat you like this, you better belive that it will continue. I feel that its ultimatum time. Stop talking to her or you’re done. But if you say that you better follow through or you won’t ever be taken seriously and he’ll know he can get away with whatever he wants to do. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve so much better!
Post # 10
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
@brideatbeach: I was thinking the same thing. What an insulting thing to say in front of you. Why is he not good enough for her, but good enough for you?
I agree with other ladies. My Fiance is friends with an ex, although besides an occasional text saying hello, they don’t see each other or speak really. She was a long time friend before dating him, and they broke up because they were better friends than a romantic couple.
To me, being friends with exs isn’t a problem. It’s when the friendship is more than a friendship. It sounds like your Fiance never wanted this relationship to end and would go back to her if he could. He clearly is still hung up on her AND she clearly still enjoys stringing him along.
Post # 11
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
You need to get out… fast. I would never tolerate this kind of treatment. You deserve much better.
Post # 12
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
“you still mean a lot to me” “I still care about you” “I’m sorry things didn’t work out, I just wasn’t good enough”
If you are over someone you dont say these things, these are things you say if you are still hung up on someone. Hes sorry things didnt work out? Doesnt that mean hes sorry they broke up and would rather be with her? I always say I am delighted things didnt work with my ex so now I am with the man of my dreams instead of a cheating liar.
His behavior is unacceptable, you need to say absolutely no more contact with her or you are walking, and you need to mean it. He is not respecting you or being 100% devoted to you, she still has a big place in his heart and you deserve ALL of someones heart. The fact that she comments on your photos that it should have been her?!?!?!?! I would have flipped out and laid down the law then! PP is right, she is jerking your man around because she thinks he belongs to her, and if he was the man you deserve, he would have let her know he belongs to YOU and those things arent acceptable and cut off contact on his own.
Post # 13
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
Yikes, I would run as far away as I can! He obviously still has very real feelings for her.
So sorry you are going through this 🙁
Post # 14
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee
@Annabelle86:
while I agree with every word, I don’t think that solution is a good one. He can delete her from FB, block her emails and number, but that won’t stem the feelings he has for his ex.
Post # 15
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
@Oneeleven:
I agree and I think she deserves better to be honest, but if she doesnt want to come out and break up with him right away, I think that #1, the ultimatum will gauge if he is willing to give up his ex for her and #2, cutting off all contact is the first step in getting over someone and the first step towards rebuilding their trust. I wouldnt stay with the man while he is trying to get over loving an ex, but we dont know all the facts and maybe she would like to try to work things out first.
Post # 16
Member
24 posts
Newbee
@flutterbi:
Oh I know people can be friends with exs, that’s no big if the circumstances are how you put them. Not a bitter end to a 4 year relationship with an engagement that ended because of cheating. I don’t see how a friendship could spawn out of that. If it was just a “hi how are you” thing I wouldnt be upset at all.
Thank you for your support ladies. He swears they don’t talk a lot and that she hasn’t been here, it’s bs though.
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