(Closed) FI and I CANNOT come to agreement about this, insight please?

posted 8 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 3
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t really get it, my husband and I aren’t from a ‘high social class’ or anything but all previous weddings we have gone to have had people registering.  That is the norm for me and I don’t really think that registering means that you are saying that you are entitled to gifts from anyone.

Post # 4
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I kind of get what he’s saying, but only because my Fiance is STAUNCHLY against registering–we have not registered for anything. He feels that it’s rude to tell people what to buy us or to imply that they need to buy us anything, period. He comes from the mentalilty that he hates accepting gifts or help from anyone and would prefer to do it on his own. He also feels that since we can afford to  buy ourselves the items, to register for them and have others buy them for us would be very rude and greedy.

As for yor FI’s point of view, I would just ask if you can agree to disagree on this. Is he saying that upper class people tend to register, and that’s what your family is? And his family would think of that as pretentious?

Post # 5
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I get what he’s saying. My In-laws are of higher class and my bridal shower my Mother-In-Law asked for no gifts.  My family is upper middle class and to us bridal showers are for showering the bride with gifts.  So for me it was a little strange.  As it turns out my in-laws friends brought gifts to the (no gifts) shower.  My family did not because I instructed them not to.  So I thought it was interesting to see that not everyone in their social class viewed it the same.  We also had lots of his families’ friends ask where we were registered. 

In your case I think I would try to make a compromise.  I would do a small registry for the bridal shower that is made up of your family and friends. I wouldn’t put the registry information on any website or invitations. That way if people ask you where are you registered you can tell them.  And at the same time hopefully make the in-laws feel that you’re not be tacky.

Post # 6
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

So he wants you to say that you recognize that registering is uncouth to his family and that it is understandable from their vantage point? Umm..okay. He wants you to say you can see the POV of people you disagree with. I don’t see the point, but I guess it isn’t the end of the world to just say, “yeah, I can understand their POV.”

May I ask, is his family especially wealthy or especially poor? What is their objection to registeries?

Post # 7
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hmmm, this is a toughie. Can you agree to disagree? I can see his point that different groups have different views on whether its ok to register, but I think that if his family wouldn’t buy off a register anyway then whats the problem? your family can use it, and his family can write checks or whatever they do. The way I see it, its kind of like pizza. Some people like it, some LOVE it, some people don’t like it. But no one is forced to eat it if they don’t want to, and its not wrong to not like pizza. Same with registers, to each their own.

Post # 8
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

If you want an official ruling on this issue, I would go to Miss Manners or Emily Post. Etiquette is Etiquette, no matter your social background or economic standing. Etiquette doesn’t just apply to some social circles.  Just because his family “thinks” its pretentious, doesn’t mean that registering is wrong in any way. Epic Etiquette Fail.

Post # 11
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

So does his family think it’s pretentious to buy gifts at all?  Do they just not even send a card to a couple that gets married?  I don’t understand why being poor means that you can’t decide what you can afford to buy as a gift just like any other guests.  Even rich people don’t have to buy gifts but I think not sending a card at all, no matter who you are is rude.

Post # 12
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Normally you wouldn’t put where you registered on ur invite so how would they know that you registered unless they ask or he just came out and told them.

Post # 13
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

Registering is not wrong per Emily post, so its not wrong PERIOD.  Emily Post is not written for only certian classes of people.  Its written for all people, so all people understand social norms.  Your Fiance is wrong.  His family is wrong.  Registering is not wrong. 

I hope this helps!

Post # 14
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have never heard of such a thing. I’ve been to many different showers over the years – for people of all different social classes/economic backgrounds and I have never heard of anyone thinking it’s bad form to register for gifts.

The point of a bridal shower is to “shower” the bride with gifts and well wishes. If it’s so “wrong” to register for gifts, then how does your FI’s family explain that literally every major retailer offers a bridal registry service? And if it’s “wrong” to register for gifts, then what the heck is everyone supposed to do at your bridal shower?

Post # 15
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I can understand them seeing this as a class divide: you originally registered so that people would know what your silver, crystal, and china pattern was. Those are the accutrements of “higher classes.” So i can see why they think it is a badge of class.

But that still doesn’t make it rude to register. NO ONE needs to buy anyone anything from any registry. It is simply there for convenience.

So I am actually going to side with you. This isn’t a matter of etiquette, this is a matter of class bias. The family is free to think that registeries are pretentious or that they are a sign of a social status they scorn, but they can’t wrap themselves in etiquette on this one. This is just plain bias, and shouldn’t be elevated to anything else.

Post # 16
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have never even heard of “not” registering because it is a sign of pretentiousness!  I understand that not everyone has the same means as everyone else, but really now!  A registry does not mean you are telling your guests/family to BUY ME A PRESENT.  I was always under the impression that many people liked registries because IF (aka optional) they choose to send/bring a gift, then they can choose something within a price range they are willing to spend and know that it is something you want and will use.  It is never REQUIRED to bring a present.  In fact, I’ve known people who as guests purposely ask for registry information in order to get a present that will be appreciated and used.  It still doesn’t mean you HAVE to buy a present, but if you wanted to, then some options are there for you! 

The topic ‘FI and I CANNOT come to agreement about this, insight please?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors