FI and I don't see eye to eye on money

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

If you paid off all of my cc debt, paid most of my expenses AND financed my wedding, I’d call you beautiful every day too : /

 

Money is just money, true.  But your situation involves how your Fiance is spending the money he does have. He wants to do it selfishly.  Do any of your close friends or family members know the details in your OP?  They are extremely concerning imo. If you are that well off and very generous/patient (based on what I read here), you are good target for being taking advantage of.

Post # 4
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee

Out of curiosity, are you still seeing the therapist that diagnosed you with PTSD? What do they think of this relationship?

Post # 5
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

mikesgirl123 :  I understand that you want to keep issues that concern your relationship between you and him, and I hate giving the standard “go to a counselor” advice… but girl that is a LOT of money to drop on somebody who is not really contributing to your household.  

And it’s not as though he’s got some sort of setback that he’s trying really hard to overcome so he can lighten your burden!  In order for me to think “ohh that maybe makes sense” (MAYBE), HE would be driving the Kia to save money and he’d be picking up extra shifts or something. Or he’d be working towards a goal, or supporting kids!  There’s nothing to justify his money situation.

He’s making fun of the car you drive… and half the reason you probably drive it is to support him.  Nooo- I don’t even know you and I’m so worried about you rn!

Go to a safe third party (counselor, parent, friend) and consider getting out.  Do you have a prenup planned?

 

Telling you you are beautiful should be standard in a Fiance.  That’s why you marry somebody, because they love you!  You shouldn’t be literally paying for it.

Post # 9
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

Please consider a program like Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. Not because you need it, but because to have a marriage that works both partners have to be on the same page about the big issues, like money, and have a healthy way to talk about it. This program does that, in a way that is constructive and honors different styles of money management. It helped me and my hisband when we got married (I’m the nerd and he’s the free spender–if you look into it you’ll know what that means). But in any case, honor yourself. You deserve a partner who makes good choices to take care of you as much as you take care of him.

Post # 10
Member
6181 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I wanted to jump in and say that you are AMAZING! Having gotten yourself out of a past challenging relationship, prepared for your kids’ future and your own and to be taking care of your family so well. May the heavens ever shine on you and bless you abundantly for all your days.

That being said- you are clearly a smart woman who understands making practical choices for the wellbeing of her family. To me, marriage is a practical and logical business decision. Relationships can be about love without needing to sign a paper legally and financially tying you to another person. Marrying someone as economically unstable as your Fiance is is just not a practical move. It’s potentially detrimental to your kids, not to mention already a burden for you. Especially since his response to your very generous act of paying off his debt is to plan to buy an even more expensive car. That sounds like a massive “Fuck you” to me and would be a deal breaker. (Honestly, I probably would have put him out of my house at that point- he sounds like he’s got some major issues with personal responsibility)

At the very least, you need an ironclad prenuptial agreement but from your post, it sounds like he’s already plotting on your kids’ college fund and looking for a way to get money from you for his kid to make up for what HE hasn’t done himself.

Also, consider that women usually live longer than men. You NEED to have money set aside for your future. There is no man in the world sexy enough to make it worthwhile to live the last 10, 15 or 20 years of your life in penury, IMO.

I hope that you can have a good reconnection with your therapist before you move forward to marry this person and before you share any more of your abundant generosity with him. You are wonderful for being as generous as you have been. It just doesn’t sound like he’s respecting what you are bringing to the table.

One last thing- I tend to be pretty private in my life, too. But be careful of letting your need for privacy isolate you. Because isolated women are more vulnerable to users and relationships that disrespect our boundaries and sense of self.

Best of luck to you.

Post # 11
Member
9692 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

First, I would say no to the car. Put your foot down. Not because you need to mother him but because if you relucantly go along with it then it will only build more resentment in your relationship. You aren’t his mother but you are his partner – financial decisions should be made together and there is a place for putting your foot down.

I would suggest a conselor so the two of you can learn how to communicate about money. But if he’s not willing to really change how to handles his money, I would really be re-thinking this relationship. There are a lot of guys out there who are amazing and have thier finances together. You don’t have to settle for one or the other.

Post # 12
Member
10717 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mikesgirl123 :  

The number one cause of divorce is disagreement over how to manage money.

Did the lawyer tell you that prenups are often tossed out in court?  In your case, the disparity in your resources and income makes me very concerned that a prenup isn’t going to hold up.  At a minimum, your Fi *must* have an attorney of his own review it.

This doesn’t sound like a problem that can be *fixed* or managed.  It sounds to me like you’re looking at character issues and he’s pretty far out there.  He’s driving a car he can’t afford and doesn’t need–he’s not selling luxury homes in Malibu, is he?  While you bust your butt to hold things together, his solution is to buy an even more expensive car.  Or motorcycle.

Instead of taking a second job to contribute more, he buys himself outrageously expensive toys. And wants more. These are not good predictors of a happy future.

Telling you you’re beautiful, being good with your kids and all of the other stuff he does are pretty basic for a SO to do.

Post # 13
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

First of all well done for being such a stroung woman and secondly how old is this guy he is acting likea little brat, he is inconsiderate and selfish. i feel he is being unfair that you’ve came thus far and knowing what you’ve been though with your ex he is supposed to alleviate some of those stresses.

I know its not in your character to say no, but you need to try and draw the line some where, you dont want to be married and one day he decides to quit his job and you end up supporting him and his son and your kids…

 

These are all red flags and maybe you should attend pre-marital counciling with him

 

Post # 14
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

I’d say the prenup makes a lot of sense so you feel protected. They might be hard on a relationship, but so would be going in without one – especially with what you’ve been through previously. I think that’s a fair compromise considering your past. 

I could wax on about ideas about how to approach him and how to split finances and blah blah blah. I’m not you. I don’t know the details. You’re trying to combine lives and that means combining finances from before you knew each other. That’s complicated. I guess I have some serious questions about how he was putting food on the table before he met you, but that’s neither here nor there. 

I’m not so on board with the “go to counseling” that everybody else jumps on. You going back and checking in around your history and figuring out the headspace to move forward is a great idea! But couples counseling as a first step for something like this is… misplaced. You’re going to get more emotion involved in something that needs to stay away from the emotional realm as much as possible. 

I’d recommend a trip to a financial planner/advisor. They’ll help you make a big picture plan for the debts, the savings, and long term getting by. If you both agree to take their advice wholly and follow the plan, and there’s good follow-through on his end, then you don’t have anything to worry about. You don’t have the same financial vision right now. So let someone who does it for a living provide one for you. You’ll both probably be a little uncomfortable with parts of it. But if you both get on board and it works for a stable future for you both, then I think you’ll be in good shape.

It’s hard for you to not involve significant emotion in finances. Of course. But you might be over-thinking it. And it sounds like other bees are jumping to massive conclusions here. You know you, your life, your relationship, better than anyone. Keep that in mind. 

Post # 15
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

mikesgirl123 :  honestly, I probably wouldn’t continue this relationship (unless there were some MAJORRRRRRRRR changes). 

I know that’s easier said than done, particularly if in all other areas, he’s a good man a good partner and a good father figure to the kids. But honestly, someone with bad money habits–particularly if they’ve been bailed out (and I don’t mean that in a mean way) and have had no real consequences–is not going to improve much. They might get a cheaper car but then they will use the money that is freed up on something else, instead of funneling it to a savings account etc.

This just wouldn’t work for me long term. In my eyes, financial responsibility is something on the level equivalent to one of you wanting kids and the other not, etc. It’s a core fundamental value. It’s one thing if you don’t see eye to eye on money as in, he would rather save up and buy a pool for your house and you’d rather save up and spend that money on a vacation, or like maybe you would never spend $100 on a meal out, but he feels it’s okay for a special occasion. That’s “not seeing eye to eye.” What you have is someone who is willingly irresponsible and who is disregarding your concerns, and who is willing to put you BOTH in a place of financial instability for his own wants…and to me that’s a dealbreaker. :/

ETA: just wanted to add that I think you are phenomenal. You’ve overcome so much and it sounds like you are just fiercely independent and crazy responsible. I can’t imagine having to basically rebuild my life like you’ve mentioned and for you to do it so successfully…congratulations. You’ll get through this too, one way or another. Meant to say all this in my initial wording but I got mad FOR you about the situation and just started typing, lol. 

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