- 2 years ago
- Wedding: September 2017
I was going to write this anonymously but fuck it…
Fiance and I don’t see eye to eye on finances. Yes, I realize that’s a big deal. I love him, he loves me, we get along great, but this area is an issue.
Fiance and I are the same age. We are in very different places financially. I make approximately twice what he makes, which is fine; My ex husband refused to get a job (hence the reason I pursued a position with the salary mine has) so I’m used to being very financially independent. I own a house with considerable equity, have very healthy retirement savings, and emergency savings, too. I also have tucked money away for my kids. Fiance had no assets and $14,000 in credit card debt and a lousy credit score. He drives an extremely expensive vehicle which consumes 1/2 of his take home pay every month (payment + insurance + gas + exorbitant tolls from his commute to work)
I believe strongly that there cannot be any haves and have nots in a family. I paid off his credit card debt. Now that he doesn’t have credit card debt his contribution to household expenses and his car leaves him with essentially nothing left over (with credit card debt he would have barely been able to contribute to household expenses) Therefore, I am paying for the wedding, I continue to save for retirement and emergencies (like the $9000 roof I need), and vacations. I have spoken with him about the vehicle not being financially sustainable but he said he really couldn’t sell it because he is upside down in the payments and it wouldn’t make sense. Ok, fine.
So we were talking tonight (he is on week 3 of work travel so this wasn’t in person) and he tells me he has fallen in love with the car his company has rented for him. Then he says he’s looking into selling his current, exorbitantly expensive vehicle (which he’s upside down in the payments for) in order to purchase this new, equally exorbitantly expensive vehicle.
Because apparently it’s possible to get out of the car he has now if there is something he covets more but it isn’t possible to do it to help me feel financially safe. He won’t do it because he wants to help contribute to our retirement. He won’t do it to help rebuild the savings I’m liquidating to pay for his debt and our wedding. He won’t do it as a freaking act of financial good will to show me that he is financially trust worthy. He won’t even do it in order to put some money away for his son (who he has pointed out it is unfair my kids have so much money put away for them but his doesn’t). But a few cool features that he doesn’t need anyway and suddenly everything is possible.
Meanwhile, he regularly makes joking references to my Kia (which I’m not particularly sensitive about because I love it, but after this, right at this moment when I’m pissed, I’m taking it personally)
So I told him I was hurt. That I feel taken advantage of. That financial security matters to me and I didn’t spend my entire adulthood putting myself in a good financial position so I could pay off someone else’s debt and keep them in brag-worthy cars (which admittedly didn’t need to be said). I may be financially comfortable but I’m hardly well off; bad choices have the potential to ruin me.
I’m hurt. He’s hurt.
It doesn’t help that because I have PTSD from my previous marriage and my ex husband was financially exploitive that this theme is making me feel very agitated and my mind is racing through all the possible ways he could hurt me.
And I don’t think he would buy a new car if I was dead set against it, but I don’t want to have to say “no”. Im not his mother, saying no isn’t my job. I already vetoed the cool motorcycle he wanted to take a loan out on. Ideally, I want us to have a shared financial vision and goals so we can measure any financial decision we are faced with against that previously determined vision to see of it aligns.
Just to counter with some things to give a richer flavour of who he is: he tells me I’m beautiful everyday. He is amazing with my kids who absolutely adore him. He makes me laugh. When I need him, he is always, always there. He holds me when I cry, even when he doesn’t understand what I’m crying about. He is a good, kind, steady man and I adore him.
So, bees, any words of wisdom?