- 4 years ago
- Wedding: May 2017
Hey bees – this is a tough discussion to have and I’ve tried to find ways to fix this myself but am struggling..
My fiance has been notably depressed for some time, and it didn’t really hit me until last night when we had a long conversation how bad it was. He’s in medical school, in his 4th year now, and has been struggling really since his first board exam / aka Step 1.
He didn’t do great on it – according to him and what he wanted – and has been really shaken by it ever since. He said his advisors, professors/doctors he’s worked with and classmates make him feel like he’s really messed up his chances to pursue what he wants to do — most likely radiology.
He recently took his Step 2 exam, and he said he got within 5 points of what he wanted, so there was improvement. But overall he’s still really upset and constantly compares himself and his work to others, and worries he will never be good enough to be the doctor he wants to be.
Over the past couple years, if we ever had a big fight, it usually has had to do with medschool and the stress of it and how it effects us. We’ve gotten so much better over the past year though, with me really taking the time to understand his stress, what he needs to do his work, and also for him and I to find time together outside of his work.
It’s been hard, really hard I admit.. but I thought we were making improvements. Last night, he broke down saying he’s just overwhelmed with thinking of what others say about him, how he feels he’s not going to achieve what he wants, and he told me that he says I’m not being empathetic enough, understanding enough.
I admit — I’m a hard person to be emotional with. I have gone to a therapist for some time because of it, to help myself through that and to better connect with Fi. I grew up with intense parents who were really not the lovey-dovey type but moreso get it done, don’t cry about it type. I feel its influenced me and how I handle other people when they’re upset, including my Fi. I feel so bad that he still feels I’m that way as much as I’ve tried to get better — and I know it is a work in progress..
Its been a rough few months overall with us due to wedding planning, and as we get close to the wedding (about a month away now). I also have been a bit depressed and anxious due to my own job just not really making me happy, been struggling to lose some weight I wanted to for the wedding, etc. I’ve tried to not let it get me too down but it comes in waves — good and bad.
I also feel awkward to admit this but A LOT of this has effected us sexually too. We’re not connecting the way we used to in the bedroom, and that terrifies me before getting married. We’ve had some patches here and there — been together 8 years now — but it has never been this bad.
I want to help him feel better about himself, his work, his studies… I know for myself I have to do the work to make myself feel good too… and I want us to be as happy and loving as we were before — both emotionally and sexually. I know things happen over the years – and sex doesn’t have to happen every single minute to mean you’re relationship is strong – but it was something that was important to us both that seems to have slipped now.
=/ I know things aren’t always perfect but right now, I’m venting because I know there has to be a way to get us back on track.