(Closed) FI asked me to lose weight

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Sorry. I’m going to focus on what you don’t want me to (because I think it’s what you don’t want to hear).

#1. It’s not okay for your Fiance to tell you/ask you to lose weight. It’s only okay if there’s a health issue and your life is at stake, at which case it’s okay for him to express his concern you may be hurting yourself if you don’t lose weight. Not simply that he “likes you better” when you’re thinner.

#2. Is it possible you feel selfconscious due to the fact you know he judges you based on a 10lb difference in weight. Life is too long to worry about your weight fluctuating a few pounds here and there.

#3. 10 days before the wedding, is not a time frame when you should be stressed out even more by someone who loves you about something like this! I think it’s rude and hurtful.

I’m sorry but the only dieting tip (is that what you’re looking for?) I can give you would be to seriously consider the extra 180 pound man you’re marrying.

Post # 4
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I could understand if you had gained 100 pounds, but 10 pounds? He mentions this right before the wedding?

Does he think his body will never change or something? Does he realize that you’re a person and that real people sometimes gain weight?

I’m sorry, but I think this sounds really bad. What’s next after you marry him? He thinks you’re sexier when you’ve just had your nails done? Doesn’t want to see you in sweatpants? Picks at you for having some ice cream?

Post # 5
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@lola2011: Honestly I really wanted to write something like this but was sitting here trying to figure out HOW to write it.

Honestly, I am just so shocked by reading this. When I first found out I was pregnant with my daughter, the POS I was with told me he was sad that he never got to see me skinny before I had a baby. I cried for so long because of this comment. Like I mentioned, he is a POS.

Anyways, I think what he did was wrong. It was EXTRA wrong to do it 10 days before your wedding.

 

Post # 6
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your Fiance sounds inconsiderate and selfish. Whether I focus on what you’d like or not, in either situation, that’s totally douchey.

Post # 7
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OK, several things come to mind when reading this

a) I don’t think he’s a jerk at all…if anything I think it’s great that you two can talk to one another so openly and honestly. From what you’re saying it doesn’t at all sound like he was mean-spirited, or trying to hurt your feelings…it is just an unfortunate consequence that he did.

b)You said yourself that he started dating you when you were ven heavier than you are now….which means he was attracted to you int he first place, so I don’t think you should feel like you are unattractive. As a not-really, but kinda related example, my Fiance hates it when I dye my hair dark, but I like it dark so I wear it that way anyways…it’s not that he htinks I’m unattractive this way, he just prefers me blonde. Like you said, he still thinks you’re beautiful, and no matter what you weigh you will be the most beautiful to him on your wedding day: REMEMBER THAT

c)Like you said, you won;t  be able to lose all the weight you want to  before the wedding: but what I always find makes me feel best is to work out, and eat right….you might not lose a single ounce (or you might lose a few-which would be great, and probably help you feel better), but I think knowing you are taking care of yourself just makes you feel better (or at least it does for me)

Don’t be upset, and don’t feel bad….every bride is gorgeous (cliche, but true), and as you’re walking down the aisle the LAST thing anyone will be thinking is “oh, if she’d only lost that extra 3 pounds”.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

And I know you turned to the hive for support and I know many of us here want to support you. So please dont take any of this as an attack.

But, if your daughter was a dating a man who said this to her when your Fiance said this to you, how would you view that? It really feels like a stab to your self esteem.

I would suggest talking to him about how it made you feel. Sometimes people don’t think before they speak and I really hope this was one of his times.

 

Post # 9
Member
31 posts
Newbee

This happened to my niece. The sad part was that her fiance needed to lose weight even more than she did. Maybe you are a bit overweight, but nowhere near obese. Bad timing on FI’s part. You shhould be concentrating on wedding prep – not losing weight to appease him!

Post # 10
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I hate to… but I have to agree with the previous poster (lola2011). I hate to, because you asked us not to – not because I don’t think she’s right. Shame on him.

Your Fiance should love you no matter what you weigh… unconditionally. Asking you to lose weight isn’t okay. Not when you’re not obese and there’s no health concerns. That’s sort of like asking a balding man to wear a toupee… because you find hair more attractive. He needs to be considerate, too, of the fact that you’re getting married in a very short period of time and putting this on you now is almost cruel.

Take it from someone who was formerly anorexic, and is now only starting to learn to love my body the way it is (I’m 5’8″, 150 pounds and I still freak out about it now and then)… no one should determine how you look but -you-… and no one should make you feel inferior because of their opinion of you.

I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, or that he doesn’t love you or that you should broom the man… but you should tell him how it’s made you feel.

Post # 11
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

PP made some good points – what happens if you have children? You will likely not have the same body post-baby, does that change how he feels about you?

My feeling though, is that he is not really a shallow person. He is a guy. He’s a guy who said something stupid without thinking about the fact that it is 10 days before your wedding, you are under stress, already knew you that you didn’t love the way you looked and really didn’t need the most important person in her life pointing out something that you can’t change in 10 days.

 

I don’t know what your dress looks like, but I would guess that the 10lbs won’t make a difference in your pictures. You are getting married to the man you love- you will be so happy that’s all you should see in your pictures. How beautiful your smile is, the joy on both your faces, and of course how awesome you’ll look in your dress 🙂

 

My advice? Hit him over the head and tell him to think about things like that before he says them!

Post # 13
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

boys are stupid. Plain and simple.  He probably wasn’t thinking about how far away the wedding was. He was just communicating with you how he was feeling.

Before everyone goes and jumps down your throat about exactly what you dont want them to do… how did he ask you? Was he nice about it at least?

My Fiance and I have talked about the fact that if we are getting unhealthy, lazy, etc that we will talk to eachother about it and not be offended. Which it sounds like you arent offended just worried about looking great on your wedding day. I think its good that you guys can communicate like that! 

Maybe talk to him about how it made you feel? I am sure he will apoligize about the timing. I also think you will look stunning on your wedding day. Brides always have that glow to them. It will be great!!

Post # 14
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

girl, there is nothing you can do about now so i have three suggestions:

1. enjoy a healthy low carb/low SUGAR/8 cups of water a day diet for the next 9 days to reduce bloating.

2. buy some spanks

3. go hang out with your girlfriends and repair your self-esteem QUICKLY or it will be a dangerzone!! enjoy your big day.

Post # 15
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i definitely think it was shitty timing on his part. other than that, i’m not going to judge him.

please talk to him about this and ask him the questions you asked us. of course he’s going to be happy to marry you and will think you’re beautiful – but i think you need to hear those words from him.

Post # 16
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I agree with some of what the previous poster has said.  My Fiance is helping me to lose weight (like he pays for my weight watchers but only because he knew I wanted to go but couldn’t afford to right now because I’m in grad school).  He started dating me when I was at my heaviest weight ever, over 270 pounds and HE never made me feel self-conscious or insecure…only I did that to myself.  In the past year, the Fiance has dropped 70 pounds himself and is now in the 150s…I’m still over 200 pound but he never makes me feel bad about it, and honestly, though you say you’re okay with him telling you this other than timing, your post hints otherwise.  So maybe you don’t want me to focus on it, but maybe because I struggle with my own weight, I can’t help it.  I NEED to lose weight because I am a type II diabetic and it runs in my family.  After losing 25 pounds so far, my health is so much better.  

What wil you do if this is the weight at which your body wants to stay?  I wish you luck in losing your ten pounds, but what if you can’t for some unknown reason?  Are you going to be okay with knowing your FH doesn’t think you’re as sexy as you can be?  I think you putting on 50 pounds or more would be something to be concerned about, but 10?  The stress he’s adding to your already stressful time could make you GAIN weight.

If he thinks you’re beautiful, why doesn’t he think you’re beautiful at any weight?  My fiance says to me, “I would love you at 150 or 800 pounds.  As long as you’re healthy, I love you no matter what.  But I want you to be happy about your weight.”  Because he’s knows I’m not happy or healthy at this weight.

I’m not sure what to tell you….but I couldn’t not speak either.

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