(Closed) FI broke it off, questions about telling HIS family his unhealthy sexual issues

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1103 posts
Bumble bee

You are right, that’s not normal. My FH has a pretty kinky side and I know he would think that wasn’t right! I also don’t think it’s anything his father needs to know. Who exactly will it help? His father certainly won’t want to hear it, as you say. It can do no good. If you think your ex needs help for it, tell HIM that. Don’t tell anyone else. These are very intimate issues that you know about because you were going to marry this man. Now that you’re not going to marry him, it’s not up to you to decide who else needs to know about it. I really don’t think discussing it with your ex Future Father-In-Law will do anything except make you feel relieved that you’ve finally told someone.

On a different note…I wish you all the best in moving on with your life now that your engagement is over. It’s a very hard situation I know and I think it’s great you have good friends around you to support you as you begin the healing process.

Post # 4
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry this is happening!  You seem to be handling quite well, though that’s no concolation.

OK, so his unhealthy sexual issues with his mom is totally weird, IMO.  And you said you have heard about boys having infatuations with their mothers in a sexual way… I have never, ever heard this!  All I could think was “wow” when I read that.  If my bf was saying his mom or aunt’s name in bed, I think I would have had him see a psychologist a looong time ago.  In My Humble Opinion, it’s just creepy, especially that he still thinks of her like that sometimes.

But do I think you should say anything to his dad?  I’m not sure.  I agree that he needs to get help for his problem, but having his ex-FI tell his family about his problem may be crossing the line a bit.  I guess it just depends on your relationship with them, which seems pretty close. I know your intentions are to help him, so it just depends on the context of your relationship.  I would be prepared for some backlash from him if you tell his father though; he may not be too happy with you.

Post # 5
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sorry about the situation you find yourself in.  It must be such an emotional rollercoaster.  I’m glad that you have found friends to help and guide you, and I hope you also find some comfort in the hive.

I must agree with mountainbride that his particular sexual issues are not something that you should discuss in detail with his father.  I don’t mean that you have to hide it, but no matter how close people are with their would have been inlaws, I don’t think it’s appropriate to share such intimate details in depth with them (especially when it has to do with other family members).  I think there are ways that you can talk to him without revealing this much information.  Your ex’s issues are things that he has to deal with, and I’m not sure if bringing his father into the mix will really solve things with him.  The thing you need to concentrate on now is getting yourself and your life in order. 

Post # 6
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I have to agree with mountain bride – it’s not really your place to tell his dad the specifics. If anything, I would say you could tell him “While we’ve been together, there have been a few issues with intimacy that have concerned me. For the sake of his privacy I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to share them with you, but I was hoping you could encourage him to get counseling regarding his sexual behavior.”

It sounds like you are being extremely collected regarding this all – kudos to you for that! I’m so sorry to hear about this sad situation though 🙁 and hope things continue to progress in a healthy manner for your sake. It sounds like you’ve got a great community right now, and I’m so glad for that!

Post # 7
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with what daydreamwanderer is saying, say that while you guys have been together there have been intimacy issues that you think a psychologist should see him for for sexual issues. If he presses you, just say that you feel they are incredibly inappropriate and that it would not be your place to reveal these. I’m glad to see you are kicking him out and moving forward. I can’jt believe how well you are handling this–very calm and understanding. Just be sure your nice attitude doesn’t lead to him taking more advantage of you and/or sweet talking his way back into your life before he’s received help. this is stuff that should’ve been taken care of a long time ago and not somethimg he’ll be over overnight.

Post # 9
30 posts

I think sometimes you can Say Something without saying anything at all.  Frankly, I don’t think a man in his 20’s should be so dependent on his parents healing him.  Maybe that sounds harsh – but it’s time for him to be a man and stand on his own (ie go to a therapist!).  His father should realize that too.  That being said – I wouldn’t go into the details of his “kinkiness” because it’s not really about his sexual issues. It’s about YOU now!  It sounds to me like you are not comfortable with this aspect of his “desire” and nor should you be!  I can’t imagine anything more alienating in an intimate setting than someone doing that….I mean, it would be bad enough if he called out another womans name that he wasn’t related to! SO don’t you want to be with someone that makes you feel good and not weirded out????

I’ve also been in serious relationships with someone who I stayed with because I LOVED his family…but here’s the thing – when push comes to shove it’s just gonna be you two working things out on your own.  Now I have an amazing fiance…and while I don’t get along as well with his family it doesn’t matter because when it’s just us, I’m way happier.  

I think you should encourage him to talk with his son.  If he asks you specifics just be like “I think you should talk to him about that.  It’s not my place to say”

Post # 10
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

If someone came to me and told me  about anything sexual about one of my daughters, you’d have to pick me up off the floor. Of all things we may have to discuss,THAT certainly should never be one of them. Intimate details are between the consenting couple, and there is absolutely nothing to be gained by sharing it with a parent,especially what you’re suggesting as a VERY private matter. What can you possibly hope will be the outcome? Do you think his Father won’t tell his Mother what you said? Do you think his family on learning this from you will ever look at him the same way? You’re suggesting he’s a sexual deviant and potentially having him labeled as such.
If your ex has already made arrangements to move in to an apartment,it doesn’t sound like he needs anyone’s help in healing. Healing from what? He broke it off with you and is moving on,whether or not you forced the issue. You may have some complicated financial situations for awhile,so will need to maintain some contact. Aside from that, and while it will be difficult, you really should have little to do or say either to him or about him.

I’m sorry your engagement is off,but this area is really nothing you should discuss with anyone but him.

Post # 11
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow now you’re having a meeting with the father AND the minister?

Hmm. I’m starting to think that you need to begin letting go a little. What do you think these meetings will help?

Just try not to divulge too much. On one hand, if you get too detailed, what makes you think they’ll believe you? My mom would laugh if someone said certain things about me–she’d think they were being vindictive and lying about it.

Just remember, he let you go first. You have to let him go, too–so decide how long this “i’m going to help him” thing is going to last.

I’m pretty sure if my SO pulled a quickie “i’m leaving” on me, i’d dump him out of the house and figure if he hadn’t gotten help already, he may not ever. I guess what i’m trying to say is that it sounds like you’re possibly trying to fix him so that he can come back to you all bettter? is that a motive underneath this all?

Post # 12
1561 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I just wanted to send you some HUGS and say I am so sorry you’re going through this. And as everyone else has said – don’t tell his father any details – just tell him you think it would be wise for your ex to receive some sort of counseling and leave it at that.

Also – it unfortunately is a bit common, the whole mother/son issues you describe. I had to read “Oedipus” in college and that is where the “oedipus complex” comes from – a son who is infatuated with his mother. If you’re interested, google it and you’ll find a lot of information on it and the story (a greek fable).

I just wish you all the luck and love in the world and hope you can move past this. I am so very sorry you are dealing with this – but maybe it’s better to learn now than to give more to a relationship where this could eventually become an even bigger problem. I know that’s a very hard thing to hear – but I know that’s the way I have come to feel about situations in life. Sometimes you just have to live, learn and move on. I used to be mad at ex’s for how they left me – but in hindsight it was for the better before things got worse.

Good luck!

Post # 14
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should cancel your meeting with his father and minister. It would be 100% wrong to go telling such personal issues (or even just telling someone that they exist)… especially if your ex-FI isn’t even included in the meeting. Maybe your ex-FI is fine with his behavior. He’s not in any danger.

Post # 16
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m close with my mom, too, in a way that most women are not close with their moms, but my Darling Husband tellign my mom my sexual issues would be out of line.

Just tread lightly and think carefully about the phrasing. And, also, keep in mind his father may not want to hear this, too.

The topic ‘FI broke it off, questions about telling HIS family his unhealthy sexual issues’ is closed to new replies.

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