(Closed) FI broke it off, questions about telling HIS family his unhealthy sexual issues

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
7873 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think you should jus not meet with them.  Beacuse even if you had a talk with them- what are his dad and the minister going to do?  Your ex-Fi could just deny everything, refuse help and make you look like the crazy one.  I would just walk away.

Post # 33
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

I’m a little concerned that even though you would have married him despite knowing these things, you want to tell his father and his minister now that he’s called it off. It sounds more vengeful than like you’re trying to help.

I think stepping back from this situation is the best idea. Cancel the meeting, and try to move forward in your life. It’s awful that he ended things this way with no apparent reason, but it sounds like you’ll be better off for it. And he’ll be better off if he gets help, but it would be out of line for you to stage this intervention right now. There is not another person in danger right now and you’ll be the one who comes out looking like the bad guy.

Post # 34
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Try to be strong!

I don’t think you should mention anything about this to his dad.  If you and your Fiance were still together would you still say something? This is something that Fiance needs to deal with on his own (or with you…if you ever get back together). I feel like your involvment now may push him away from help rather than towards it.  

Post # 35
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee

((HUGS))

I’d never heard of this (other than in Oedipus) and had my bf read this too. He said it was definitely not normal behavior. I think that if you’re close with his dad, you can tell him at least SOME of it. No need to go into details. But maybe you should tell your ex first, and suggest that he go to counseling. I know you’re broken up, and don’t owe him anything, but I understand that you still want what’s best for him, and I think that’s very honorable. I think he needs therapy, but I’m not a doc…

Sending you best wishes and renewed strength for 2010 🙂

Post # 36
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I totally agree with Spaniel. It’s slightly alarming that you were fine with marrying him knowing these things, but now that he’s breaking it off you’re going to tell everyone about it. It sounds like vengence to me.

The best thing for you is to insist that he move out and move on with your life. Stop talking to his parents, at least for now. You need time to heal, stop worrying about him and his parents.

Post # 37
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I second Spaniel’s response. 

Post # 38
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Spaniel: You said what I wanted to say, but I thought it would sound too harsh.  The first time Fiance said his mom’s name, or mentioned any fantasies, I would have booted him to the curb.  That would have been a total dealbreaker for me. 

Post # 39
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m wondering why you didn’t think it was dangerous before but you do now? No doubt it’s weird and unhealthy but really, why now?

Why would you talk to someone else about it before him?  That doesn’t seem fair.

How old was he when he was adopted, was he older?

 

Post # 40
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

wow  i am so sorry for you going through this.  best of luck healing

Post # 41
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

I second (third?) hotchild and spaniel’s response. I’ve been through some UUUUGHLY breakups, and you’ll be glad not to have had this meeting. Plus- wonder if you got back together? Maybe everyone on the thread is gasping at that notion, but you WERE going to marry him… I wouldn’t burn any bridges just yet by spilling all of his dirty laundry.

I wish you well, many hugs and thoughts.

Post # 42
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

@hotchild: I have absolutely no desire or intention to be harsh! I just wanted to be really clear that I think this meeting is a terrible idea for everyone involved and can’t possibly lead to anything positive!

Post # 43
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Your composure given the recent breakup and your handling of getting him out of the house are super impressive.

HOWEVER you should NOT have this meeting.  It is really not your place, and this issue is not life threatening or threatening to others well being, which is the only time you should do an intervention. 

It is a total violation of his trust, and 100% out of line to even bring up sexual issues  – even without going into the specifics.  This is really not a super serious problem.   If you want him to get help, take it up with him directly, 

Post # 44
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@spaniel: I didn’t mean you were being harsh!  In fact, I mean you said exactly what I wanted to say but afraid that I would put it too harshly…so you did the hard work for me and put it in a nice way I thought I couldn’t ;o) 

Post # 45
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with the other ladies, you should not tell his father about is sexual issue/fantasy. I know you said you where going to approach the subject lightly with his father and his Boyfriend or Best Friend (the minister)… but honestly… how do you approach that subject lightly? “I think he maybe a sexual deviant, you should talk to him.” That’s not going to go over well.

If the sexual issue/fantasy bothered you, as it does now, you should have handled that the first or second time that happened. Not wait until you kicked him out of the house.  I know if a guy I was inmate with called another woman’s name (mom or no mom) the situation would have stopped immediately.

The meeting with his father should really be about the separation of assets. Making sure that your ex-FI transfers the stocks, transfering the utility accounts, changing title (if needed), collecting keys, etc… anything that his father can help steer your ex-FI in the right direction.

Post # 46
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I think you need to examine your true motivations for telling his family.  I am not sure what you hope to accomplish but he will hate you for breaking his trust and embarassing him like this.  More than likely, he will deny it to his parents and say you made it up for revenge.  Then you will be ostrasized forever.

He is the only one who can seek help for his personal issues, and its something he needs to come to on his own.  it seems as if someone abused him as a child, I think breaking his trust will only make him feel more violated.

It’s best for you to focus your energy on yourself and moving on.

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