(Closed) FI broke up after 9 years

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

surrealme:  

So sorry about your break up. It sounds like your fiance wasn’t ready to get married. Perhaps fiance was scared of marrying someone that he had been with since he was a teenager. Sometimes people feel like they are going to miss out if they don’t date more than one person before marriage.

I am glad that the letters provided some closure for you. It is great that you are not contacting your boyfriend because that would make healing a lot more difficult. Based on the new developments in your life, it appears that you are a strong and resilient person. Taking your first trip solo after a break up is a great way to remember that you can enjoy life as a single person. 

Everything happens for a reason. You are still young and there are plenty of men out there. I’m sure that when your broken heart is healed and you are ready to date again, you will find someone who makes you happy. Let yourself weep and grieve. Stay single for at least six months and enjoy your freedom. 

Post # 3
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am so sorry that you’re going through this, especially around the holidays. It seems awful now, but wow did you dodge a bullet! Imagine getting married, and finding out how he feels then…or worse having kids involved. Ugh. Sounds like you two were really young when you started dating, and likely just grew up and into different people. I know how painful long term relationships coming to an end can be, but believe me…this too, shall pass. You are absolutely right in cutting off all contact after the letters (which probably served as closure for you). Right now, just try to stay busy and rediscover who YOU are without him. I also believe it’s important to do things that make you feel great (hair makeover, working out, going out with friends) and not sitting around waiting for him to change his mind. You are a strong woman and this will NOT define you. *Hugs*

Post # 4
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

Im so sorry that you are going through this. Break ups are hard really when you have been with the person your whole adult life. In my opinion i think the hardest part is not having this person that you have had for so long in your life. Going from talking everyday to never. I think that he is probably trying to find out who he is as a person and i think you need to find out who your are also outside of this relationship. Change is hard and i feel like that is probably the hardest part in a break up. I think you need to let him be if he wasnt happy then you need to let him go. If you truly love him then let him go. If the two of you are ment to be together i believe you guys will find each other again. I say mourn really cry about this let yourself be sad. The sooner you mourn the sooner you can move on. Atleast that works for me.

 

Post # 5
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

Surrealme,

It’s always best for me to take the past as past, try not to analyze the “why”, and focus on moving forward.

I’m not sure your opinion of soulmates or if you believe this was your soulmate, but I heard a radical take on this after a long relationship of mine that ended similarly. 

Sometimes we’re not meant to marry our soulmates. Sometimes soul mates are meant to come into our lives and teach us something; its a time we can cherish looking back, but we are not meant to be with these people forever.

In the end, these soulmates break our hearts, but there is growth and strenth in the breaking. The breaks allow light and love to get through, and our hearts heal back stronger.

 

Try not to focus on looking back, try to only look forward. Life does go on after these tough situations and you will find love again – a better love.

You might not see it now but your future is going to be great – only you can write your own story.

Post # 8
Member
10 posts
Newbee

surrealme:  hey there, please keep your head up, you are doing to right thing by not having contact. Please don’t beat your self up for what he claimed as issues, often times guys don’t like to admit they were not honest with you for a while. My ex pretty much places all the blame on me so he didn’t have to feel any guilt for his actions. I made the mistake of reaching out and holding on which only made things worse for me as he continued to move on with no remorse. As time goes on I’m beginning to realize that love doesn’t walk away or give up, no matter what the circumstance or issues if they have love for you they will try to make it work. His excuses he gave are simply just excuses to hide the real issue of him wanting to experience the single life… I know it’s hard to accept being this happened so recently but trust me I went through that phase of denial. Now I’m realizing I will not let one person out of this world of a million men make me feel I’m not good enough…I’m hopeful for the future and the love of my life that I will experience one day. Keep your head up and I’m here if you need to talk! 

Post # 10
Member
413 posts
Helper bee

I don’t have loads of wisdom or anything but if it’s any consolation, my Fiance and I have been together more on than off for 9 years. And though I was the one who ended it for a brief period (I had a long struggle with anorexia and ended it when I went to inpatient treatment much contested by Fiance –the break not the treatment) 

But everything fell back into place after and now we are wedding planning. So what I’m getting at is that maybe your SO or Fiance (i hate to say ex it sounds so negative because I really hope you find your way back to each other)  but maybe he just needs to work on himself before he has a commitment as huge as marriage you know? I mean that was my case anyways. 

I wish you the best of luck and REALLLY hope everything works out with you two and if it unfortunately doesn’t for some reason, it’s probably for the better and you’ll meet someone who is wonderful and perfect for you!

 

Post # 11
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You’re doing everything right with the No Contact & getting involved with other things.

A break up was almost inevitable, based on your ages.

Time does work magic.  You just don’t have a frame of reference to realize that.  But the pain will ease up in time.  Go ahead & lean into it for now.  Experience it so you can let it go.

Post # 12
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

He might not have wanted to work on the issues because he feels they are irreperable. Sometimes problems can’t be fixed, especially if your problems were based on inherent personality characteristics you have.

I doubt that you did anything wrong. I doubt there is anything wrong with you. But your fiance felt there was something wrong with the relationship. You could both do everything “right” and have no flaws, but that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be with him. 

I don’t know what to suggest to help you now, but time will help. 

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