(Closed) FI called it off…how to move forward? (long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@NoOneYouExpect:  I agree with this. And if he wants to postpone or cancel the wedding, it should be completely his responsibility to handle the logistics. 

OP, I think your relationship is salvageable since you said you are willing to compromise to travel with him. Does he know that? The next step then is, is he willing to compromise back? I’m guessing his career field requires a lot of travel but has opportunities in different countries. Maybe you two can compromise in that you will move with him, but only to certain locations, and he has to look for a job in places that you agree to. My husband and I are in a similar situation.

 

Post # 48
Member
3038 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Miss_Z:  I’m so sorry for you, keep the anger going – that helps!

I just wonder what he means with you “working things out”, from your post it seems like he dropped this bomb on you and then just left you to deal with the aftermath… doesn’t sound like he’s willing to work on things at all, just making decisions without having a discussion with you.  

Post # 49
Hostess
7547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

IMO if you want to work things out you don’t call off the wedding. Instead, you talk about things and don’t let them boil over. I would not trust him after the way he handled this. What if you get pregnant and then he decides he’s not ready to be a father? He needs to commit to you and put you as his first priority. Right now you’re just along for the ride. 

Post # 50
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don;t understand why you’re even entertaining the idea of sticking with this guy. He has told you he doesn’t want to marry you and doesn’t feel like your life goals are compatible. There’s no working things out if he’s already checked out.

I don;t think I could eever stick with someone who canceled our wedding 90 days out anyway.

Post # 51
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

not only does he want to postpone the wedding but he’s not even sure if he wants to marry me afterall.

What else do you need to hear, OP?  He may be claiming his career is the reason he’s calling off the wedding, but that’s BS.  He could take another job that pays less.  (I saw your updates that you guys agreed he would take this job because it’s such a great opportunity and pays well.)  He’s making excuses to soften the blow.

Why would you even attempt to change his mind?  If he was really intent on marrying you, no job would EVER stand in his way.  He would come home and say, “Honey, my job is taking me away from you too much so I need to find a new one.”  He wouldn’t say, “I’m not sure I want to marry you because I travel a lot.”  Huh?  That makes no sense at all.

I’m sorry, but it’s time to move on.  Best of luck to you.

Post # 52
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Honestly, I’m not sure what you think you’re waiting for.  This isn’t a case of a man being nervous and getting jitters, he said he’s not sure he wants to marry you afterall.  Not that he’s not 100% sure about getting married, he’s not sure about YOU.  That’s another way of saying “It’s not you, it’s me”.  Get a job, get out and find someone that actually wants to be with you.

Post # 53
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee

@Miss_Z:  I don’t think I woul be able to stick around either. I’m sorry ):

Post # 54
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2012

You’ve been together (friends and in a relationship) for a long time so moving on could be hard. Just throw all out on the table. You want a commitment so tell him that, and that if he isn’t willing to give you that then you need to move on to find somebody who can.

Post # 55
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Miss_Z:  Don’t know if you will get to see this, but I’d like to add something.

My father had a career that meant he worked away most of the time.  Up until I was about 13, my mother was able to follow him…and this was mainly to third world countries.  This was back in the late 70s and early 80s, nowadays she wouldn’t have been able to go with him, and certainly not with young children.

His career was always No 1 priority to them both.  Me and my brothers had a rotten childhood, we were left with health problems, psychological problems and our education suffered massively.  All because my father always put his career first.  He finally left my mother after 24 years of marriage, for another woman.  He had had affairs the whole time he was working abroad.

Your ex Fiance is doing you a massive favour.  At least he is being honest that he cares more for his career than for you and the relationship.  Don’t be a doormat like my mother, make YOU your main priority.  

Post # 56
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

My ex work colleague had a quick wedding because her SO (now her husband) was posted to a remote part of Asia for his job, and she could only go with him if she was his wife. He’s posted there for 3 years and they agreed not to have a family until the 3 years is up and he’s posted to a more family-friendly location. She quit her career to go with him. So I don’t think your FI’s excuse holds water – he could quite easily marry you now and take you with him, and plan a family for later.

He hasn’t just called off the wedding – he’s said he doesn’t want to marry you at all. Believe him! He may not have officially ended the relationship yet, but maybe he’s hoping to save himelf some pain by slowly distancing himself while he’s in another country. It’s a cowardly move, but he vanished so fast, it sounds like that’s exactly what he’s doing. Someone who genuinely loves you doesn’t say stuff like he doesn’t want to marry you, and doesn’t run off to another country and leave you to pick up the pieces. Sorry but I think you need to cut your losses and save yourself the long drawn out process of him not returning your calls and slowly becoming more distant. 

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