Post # 1
Sometimes he is the most caring, caretaking, attentive person to me. But other times he acts like a flat-out insensitive, uncaring blockhead. I just need to get this off my chest and leave the hive feeling like there is hope that I’m not marrying just an insensitive blockhead.
We’re a “high-conflict couple.” As in, we butt heads and disagree fairly often, and most of the time can discuss and compromise our way through. Both of us can be stubborn and argumentative.
So this morning he was driving me to work (my car has issues right now), and I was venting how stressed I was about a disheartening situation I’m facing at work this week (I’m a teacher, there was vandalism in my classroom and a kid not ‘fessing up). He was pretty nonchalant, like “what’s the big deal…just xyz and be done with it…don’t let it ruin your life…” when I really needed him to basically relate to my feelings of stress, something that showed he understands why this bugs me so much, be supportive and encouraging.
And since he was running on 4 hours of sleep (I had woken him to drive me to work), a very long day behind him and another long day ahead of him, he really didn’t have the patience or sensitivity to deal with my emotional needs at the moment. It degenerated to him saying something along the lines of “This is wasting my time at 7:30 in the morning when I have other things to deal with. Get over it.” <–OUCH.
Before I got out of the car, he did say, “I’m sorry I can be a jerk.” (I also apologized for “pushing” him to “be supportive” when I vent, at 7:30am when he’s exhausted and groggy).
He also said, “Well, maybe I’ll be able to show that kind of support more someday, but this is all I can do for you right now.!
He doesn’t always act like this. He is capable of showing empathy and sympathy and whatever -athy lets me know that he understands and supports and loves me. He just didn’t show it this morning, when I needed it. And that just made me feel worse than I did when I started venting to him. Quite the opposite.
Can anyone relate??
Post # 3
Oh i totally understand. Sometimes Darling Husband is like this, particularly wheN i’m feeling very vulnerable. It’s one of the few negatives I’ve had in our 5 years. Usually he is very good about it but sometimes he handles a particular situation poorly and it REALLY eats at me. But, I realize he can’t be perfect all the time. And if i want something, i need to ask for it. And what i see as a big deal, he doesn’t always see as a big deal, which does make it hard to relate.
But yeah i totally understand. I got real upset last January when Darling Husband didn’t remember it was the anniversary my brother died. MrsDG gave me some really good advice about it that stuck with me about taking the fact that he can be unemotional into stride, not taking it personally, and speaking up, not expecting him to know. I know it’s obvious, but the more i stewed, the madder I got. I just had to be proactive right back.
It sounds to me like yoru Fiance just had a really bad day though and had trouble setting aside his crankiness for you. In an ideal world, we’d want him to be able to be able to set aside his bad mood and be there for you. In reality, even I cannot do this, though. And sometimes, yes, i feel like HIS complaints are a waste of my time b/c he simply approached me at the worst possible moment.
Anyways, it totally happens! Takes an hour to blow over with a little bit of communication and we run into this just a few times a year. Always gets me in a bind though.
Post # 4
I get really bitchy when I haven’t slept, so I sometimes tell Fiance “I can’t be nice to you right now, could we just go to sleep.” So I don’t think it’s a big deal. We can’t be super-supportive all the time – as long as this only happens occasionally, I think it’s fine.
Hope you figure out the issue at school!
Post # 5
my fiance has a very hard time remembering anything. He works on average, 60 hours per week, at his high stress job and it is really hard for me to let him off the hook. I have to remember though that he is not perfect and there have been times that I have forgotten things too (although not very often as I am very attentitive) but it does hurt my feelings even after 3 years. However, I have accepted that this is who he is and I have to love him for it no matter what. Sorry that you had an issue this morning–that is not a fun way to begin the day. Hope your day gets better and tonight when you see him give him a big ole hug!
Post # 6
Thank you both. ejs, same with us–“what I see as a big deal, he doesn’t”<–sounds just like us.
When HE vents about his job aggravations (and he does), he doesnt really need much from me. He’s matter-of-fact; he’s like, “Yeah, F them. Whatever. What’s for dinner?” I listen, then we move on.
When I vent, I want him to understand why something bugs me. “Yeah, that sucks and I see why. I’m sorry that’s happening.”
Unfortunately, things like this do happen more often than I’d like…not just first thing in the am after little sleep.
Sometimes I’m so happy and comfortable with him, and other times I feel like we live on different planets and sit right next to each other.
Post # 7
It sounds like you’re both exhausted/stressed right now and that leads to dumb little arguments – totally normal IMO. As long as you make up and both feel ok, I think it’s not a big deal. Over time, he can learn to be a bit more sensitive (if you tell him explicitly what you need), and you can figure out the best/worst times to approach him for these types of emotional support convos.
Post # 8
haha…”F them.” that sounds like Darling Husband. He’ll say stuff like, “EJS, why do you give a crap what they think? Don’t let them get to you. Let’s do XYZ”. Honestly, it’s a good thing to an extent. It keeps me from festering….which I am notorious for.
Sometimes men have to be trained =]. Don’t be afraid to let him know what you need specifically. They can’t read minds unfortunately.
But seriously you guys sound just like us! We have the same problem when I’m trying to pick between two dresses–“Dude they’re fine. Pick one! Who cares?!” =P
Post # 9
I am so glad I found this place.
Add to it the fact that I’m even working this job (which I left for 2 years) at THIS school in THIS city, becuase i moved here for HIM. and i had to remind him of that this morning. ugh.
He stopped by here to do some IT work (he does freelance IT work at the school where I teach), and dropped off a save-the-date card, which he had just picked up from the printer…all smiles.
He just picks up and moves right on…I know I need to be better at that.
Hey–if I can learn to be more able to let things go and move on, maybe he can learn to be more sensitive…?
and yes, I AM exhausted–ever feel so tired you just want to cry? that’s me RIGHT THIS SECOND–and i know he is exhausted…
Post # 10
Okay so we’re all marrying the same guy is that what I’m getting from this thread?! LOL! Fiance and I do the same thing all the time. There are things I get really stressed about and want him to sympathize with me, but he literally just cannot see where I’m coming from. Difference between men and women I guess. They have a better ability to look at a situation, accept the facts, deal with it and move on. We tend to stew, pick, figure out eighteen different reasons why XYZ happened, how we could have changed it, what we could have said/done/acted differently. It’s annoying. We can’t let things go.
However, other times Fiance totally understands how I’m feeling and can sometimes tell me how and why I’m feeling a particular way before I’ve even figured it out! What the heck?! Sometimes he can say the perfect words to make it all go away and just let me vent or cry or do whatever I need to do to get through it. My favourite was when he bought me this tiny little hammer (“Bakerella sized”) and lined up empty pop cans on the deck and made me smash them all to get rid of my stress. It was hilarious and exactly what I needed!
Just shake your head, sigh, and do your best to move on. There’s nothing you’re going to be able to do to change his attitude and hope that next time he’ll be more sympathetic. When you’re both tired and overworked, no one can win. Pick up a nice treat at a bakery on the way home, have a good dinner, a bottle of wine, and relax.
Post # 11
i’d like to get past the point of feeling so exhausted i’m shaky and near tears (shaky on a daily basis, near tears just today), and find some much-needed energy and motivation to do this job (i have neither anymore), and plan the wedding, all the while getting along with my Fiance as someone who is “on my team.” that’s just how i’m feeling lately.
thanks for all your empathy and advice, i really do appreciate it (especially since i don’t know many people/other women in this city where i moved to be with him). even though it is (yay) Friday, both of us have some responsibilities till about 8:30 tonight, so cant relax till then.
i certainly dont mean to sound whiney. i know things are pretty good, i just lose sight of it sometimes. i would like to, as bakerella said, “Shake my head, sigh, and move on.” i’m glad others can relate!!
Post # 12
Having a place to vent certainly helps. I’ve pretty much spent my entire morning venting on here and getting some great advice. I’ve gone from being in tears to laughing. It really helps to have people relate and tell you you’re not crazy for feeling the way you do! Some days you just have to take it one hour at a time if that’s the most you can do. Take a deep breath. Get yourself a treat 😉 You’ll feel so much better as soon as 8:31 hits and you can relax!
Post # 13
Men like to solve our problems and when they can’t they are often at a loss of what to do. Solutions come first and sympathy is a distant second. My Fiance and I have an agreement that when I start a vent, I need to tell him at the beginning, ‘hey, i need help figuring this out’ or ‘i really need you to listen and be supportive right now’. I know it sounds scripted, but it forces me to ask for what I want/need and it gives him the information he needs to give me what I need in a given situation. Unfortunately, men aren’t the mind readers we want them to be and they just don’t always get it, so we have to help them out – ha!
It’s amazing the difference that me being able to express what I need from him has made in how we communicate.
Post # 14
ladyox, great idea. so true: “solutions first and sympathy a distant second.” i am the EXACT opposite. i think we’ve dabbled in something kind of like that before. once i was having a rough work week, and i said: “I feel like I suck!” (i know i don’t), and he said: “well, ask someone who would know.” (like a colleague.)…after a few minutes of less-than-ideal conversation, he said: “do you need me to show some empathy right now?” (WOW!!!) i said: “yes. please. thank you.”
i think more often i just hope that he’ll react in the way i need him to without having to train him, but we are all human and far from perfect.
Post # 15
It’s funny, but what your husband-to-be said is totally something I would say, lol. My fiancee gets so upset about things that I just do not understand, and I have to sometimes stop myself from telling her that I feel like she’s overreacting. The fact that he apologized at least shows he could tell you were upset. I just had to point out that men aren’t the only ones who can be a little insensitive. 🙂
Post # 16
Thank you, Jillianbean. I used to be the apathetic, less sensitive one, till I met him…because for everyone I dated before him, i didn’t care as much (as bad as that sounds)! Im much more sensitive, needy adn possibly even insecure with him than with anyone.