FI cheated. Don't know what to do

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1552 posts
Bumble bee

First of all you are not worthless! Second, im SO glad you have a great friend who is there for you through all this. Dont worry about repaying her yet, you need to work out what you want to do first. 

It goes without saying that the wedding should be cancelled and I would go about that asap so you dont lose too much money. My personal advice would be to leave him, but it is your choice whether you want to speak to him and hear him out. Nothing he says can justify what he did but listening to him may help you make peace with it and move on. You dont need to do that yet though until you are ready. 

Post # 32
Member
3311 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Sending a hug. 

He is a piece of shit. Don’t marry him. 

Post # 34
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

iceteebride :  First off… go get checked. I am sure this is not his first time. Secondly you need to go and get your crap out of the place you share with him. Third, (no offense) if you take him back… it’ll keep happening. I get some people want to “work” things out… once a cheater always a cheater. Also don’t over look that he lied. What else is he hidding??? You will find a better man. Change your number, find a new location and live your life. I am so sorry this happeend to you. Its better now then when you are married. Hugs!!! You will be happier without him!

Post # 35
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I am so sorry this happened to you. Leave him. Make him regret it for the rest of his life and don’t give in.

Post # 36
Member
5917 posts
Bee Keeper

You have things backward Bee, HE Is the one not good enough for you. You’re in shock and hurting and I’m so glad you have such a supportive friend in your time of need, that’s a true friend. 

Do NOT listen to his apologies. I don’t even recommend couples counselling for something like this, there is no coming back from it. Get a lawyer and look after yourself. Decisions will have to be made regarding the house and your dog (I hope you get both and Mr. Rat Bastard gets nothing). If he had even a teeny tiny shred of decency, HE would let your friend know that HE will leave so you can go back to your home and your dog and change the locks while the two of you decide what is to be done with the house in the long run. He’s digging his heels in and using your home and dog as leverage to try and sway your decision to coming back, even if only out of perceived  necessity. It’s appalling that he’s allowing YOU to be the one living in limbo after he fucked up so majorly that there is nothing he can say or do to redeem himself here. 

Please do not be tempted to be swayed by his apologies or pressure from his family. Think about what marriage to this guy would do to you sweetie, you could never trust him again. It would eat away at you, make you suspicious and insecure and ever-vigilant for signs of cheating. You wouldn’t trust his stories of going out with the guys, away with friends etc- he’d be remorseful at first, then he’d turn it on you and call you a nag or accuse you of having him on a short leash. And you might alter your own behaviour, turning down similar outings of your own because you can’t trust what will go on behind your back if you’re away. That’s no way to live, you deserve so much better. 

And the fact that he brought this woman into your home, your bed, that is disgusting bottom-feeder behaviour, no matter the good guy facade of charm and sweetness he usually chooses to show, the underbelly of him is ugly AF.

Post # 37
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

iceteebride :  I am so sorry this happened to you. It is NOT your fault. I do think sometimes people can get over infidelity if it was something small or maybe like a kiss at a club when someone was drunk but in this situation I would not get over it. The person did this to you in your home and it was sneaky. I would just move on. I would sell the engagement ring for a down payment towards a new apartment. if you own the house together I would get a lawyer and try to sell it. I would stay with friends or family until I figured it out. I would have a trust girlfriend go with me to pick up stuff at the house. I would not marry this person. This is a time when you are also suppose to be happy if he cant like keep it together this early on he never will. Leave him and find someone else who respects you more.

Post # 38
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You will find someone else who won’t treat you this way. If he can’t respect your relationship enough during an engagement, he won’t respect in when you’re married.

Good for you for getting out and holeing up with a friend. Don’t worry about repaying her. I’m sure she isn’t worried at all. Unplug, cry, let it out and then kick his ass to the curb.

Post # 39
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

Dear Bee, so sorry you are going through this. I know how heartbreaking it is. My exhusband cheated on me multiple times during our marriage, and in the end gave me 3 Save-The-Date Cards before I left, 2 of which are permanent. While we were engaged he told me that he had cheated in a prior marriage but swore that was his ex’s fault, and I believed him. Later, of course, it would be my fault. I should have understood that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and seen it for the red flag it was. Your Fiance has not only cheated on you but disrespected you and your home. You deserve so much better. I am now married to a wonderful man. They are out there.

Post # 40
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but stay strong. He’s not who you thought he is. He’s a shithead and doesn’t deserve you at all. 

Definitely talk to a lawyer and lean on your friend. She sounds amazing. Also, definitely go get tested ASAP. The unfortunate reality is that this is probably not a one-time instance. 

 

Post # 41
Member
33 posts
Newbee

I’m so sorry you’re in this awful situation, bee. Your fiance’s cheating is not a reflection of your worth. You are worthy of love, respect and everything you wish for yourself, regardless of others’ choices or behaviors. 

It sounds like a part of you is hoping that maybe your fiance’s infidelity does not mean the complete end to your relationship. I do believe certain couples CAN move beyond infidelity and become even stronger and healthier, though it all depends on the relationship, the nature of the infidelity and the wishes of both individuals of course. If you’re interested, feel free to check out therapist and author Esther Perel. She has a popular TED Talk, a weekly podcast on Audible and several books out, mostly all about couples, infdelity and sex. She has a nuanced view on infidelity that is refreshing. Here’s the TED talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved

I don’t think anyone can say what you absolutely should do in regards to your relationship. Personally, I would, at the very minimum, delay/cancel the wedding. I would also get myself into individual counseling as soon as possible. I can’t imagine the agony you must be feeling. I’m imaginging sitting in a dark room with all your thoughts just adds to the torture. It would be valuable to talk to a therapist, someone who can both listen and validate your feelings — grief, anger, sadness, all of it. Eventually, you will have to speak to your fiance, considering you share a home and a dog. Do it when you’re ready. You do not owe him any urgency in this moment. Good luck, bee. You are stronger than you think.

Post # 43
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - UK

Call him, talk to him, be angry and scream and yell if you have to. At the moment your hiding from him to avoid dealing with reality. Your only postponing the inevitable and making your suffering worse. You need to push yourself through this next step, go thew the pain so that you can come out the other side and start focusing on healing yourself again. At the moment your sitting in a dark room facing a monster that is only going to grow the more you refuse to confront it.

 

If you stay or go only you can decide (I wouldn’t but some people can work though it), but hiding from it is not going to make it go away. Either way, go see a counselor, sit with your friend and figure out the next steps your going to take and ask her to bring the dog (even if its just for a few hours).

 

Sending you all my love in this very difficult time. 

Post # 44
Member
14940 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

You take what’s yours and you leave his sorry ass.  Don’t be embarrassed.  He’s the jerk here.  I wouldn’t care if everyone knew he cheated, there isn’t a sane person who would put the “blame” on you.  He’s the one that did wrong, not you.  Don’t even think about believing he’s sorry and working it out.  He planned it all!  He lied on purpose!  He made up some bullshit story about golfing.  He brough her into your home, into your BED!  He didn’t even have the decency to go do the deed at her place!!  And I’m willing to be it wasn’t their first time.

Post # 45
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Damn girl. I give you props for not reacting in the moment. I probably would have set him and all his shit on fire.

My advice is to take your time to process what’s happened (while going no-contact with this fool). Ask for help in canceling your wedding. People will be understanding and sympathetic. And remember that people who do this are broken — it is NOT a reflection on you!

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors