(Closed) FI Chooses Smothering FMIL over me…SO FRUSTRATING!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Oh gosh, he’s a hardcore mama’s boy… not good.

In all honesty, I’ve heard terrible stories about mama’s boys and none had good outcomes – either live with it or don’t.  I’m not saying your Fiance will never change, but he has to want to and then draw some boundaries.  If you make it very clear to him and nothing changes, you may have a hard decision to make.

Post # 4
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I haven’t been in this situation, but I think a big discussion is definitely in order. He’s marrying you, not his mom. He needs to learn to draw boundaries and enforce them (not grumble while you do the enforcing). I’d have a serious talk with him, whether that’s at home or with your premarital counselor / clergy if you’re doing that. I’d discuss it now rather than later, because this could potentially be a life-long issue if you don’t address it and come to a mutual agreement. 

Post # 5
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve heard it time and time again – When he marries you, YOU must be his #1. And he will be yours. You will be your own family unit and that unit doesn’t include relatives. NDBee had great advice. There needs to be boundaries and he needs to learn what the boundaries of a husband and wife are and learn how to respect those boundaries. At the end of the day, hes marrying you, not his mom.

Post # 6
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee

Agree with PP’s that you need to have a big discussion with Fiance. You are going to be his wife, and the wife comes first now. A husband is supposed to stick up for his wife. She is #1 now. He is going to spend the rest of his life and raise a family with YOU, not his Mom. It’s sometimes hard for both parties (FI and FMIL’s) to understand that, so your feelings and boundaries should be brought out into the open as soon as possible. Sit him down, and just tell him how you feel! ..without getting heated! They shut down the minute we start getting angry and freak out.

My situation isn’t as bad as yours, as Future Mother-In-Law is pretty good with boundaries (so far), but because Fiance lived with Future Mother-In-Law ’til just very recently (since she moved out and I in), I had a civilized conversation and told him straight up that I believe the wife comes first and he should stick up for me, and I will do the same for him. He agreed and it seems like it’ll stick… hopefully.

Post # 7
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Uh oh.  I agree with the other ladies.  I dated a Momma’s Boy once and it obviously (thank goodness) did not end well.  Generally speaking the Mommas in their lives are manipulative and overbearing (speaking from experience) and take full advantage of every opportunity to meddle!  They always know what is best and practically think for “their little boys”.

She’s ticked that you’re taking away her “Special Man” and this is how it is manifesting itself.  When the tension is so thick it can be cut with a knife, her job is done.

She IS after all driving a wedge between you and FH, right?  That’s exactly what she wants and it is working perfectly.

Like a PP said, you either have to learn to live with it or don’t because you are NOT going to be able to change it.

Post # 8
Member
7394 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Its not going to get easier once you get married. This is who he is. Except it now or forever hold your peace.

Post # 9
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I totally agree with PP’s, this is unfortunatly something that is not going to change, and if you want to at least set some boundaries you have to have a serious talk with him.

Post # 11
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

ELOPE!

Post # 12
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You may not want to handle it this way, but I had to start throwing tantrums. FI’s mother is very controlling, clingy, and selfish. We also had the experience of him having to help her with bills, which she has yet to pay us back in any way for. I finally got so fed up with always having to make concessions for her, and always having to give up my time, and my money, that I started just throwing fits.

It worked. He finally saw how manipulative she is and stopped giving her what she wanted.

Post # 13
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m not saying this would work for every one, and I’m not saying it’s the best way to handle it, but a little bit of tantrum-throwing never hurt anyone, lol.

Post # 14
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My ex Fiance broke up with me because his mom told him too. hag. lol! Im just saying you def gotta draw a boundry NOW . I mean it worked out for me cause my Fiance is freakin WAY awesome than ex was :p but still. hag. lol! thank you for reminding me not to raise a mamas boy!

Post # 15
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I agree with PP’s. This is a very serious issue and it is not OK.

For me personally, this is a dealbreaker. It will only bring on more problems after marriage.

I suggest communication, boundaries, and counseling. You deserve better than this.

Post # 16
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@BrnSgrGrl: Talk with him a.s.a.p. and be very clear about your needs. Gently, but firmly address the issue that you need to be #1, and that you are feeling his mother has that spot instead. Ask for ways you can both work to support each other, set those boundaries but still honor his mom, and compromise as a couple. I hope you can both work it out.

@Angelz_love: Your response cracked me up. hehe “hag” 😉

The topic ‘FI Chooses Smothering FMIL over me…SO FRUSTRATING!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors