Post # 1
This is just a little vent…
It has become painfully obvious that my Fiance chooses his mother-in-law over me and values her opinions over mine. Here’s a few examples:
1) No matter how much it is a terrible inconvenience to us, he will do whatever she asks him to.
2) He gave me the engagement ring that she thought was right for me, even though he should have known it wasn’t the right one for me. I even overheard her say “She’ll have better jewelry one day”.
3) He did not contribute to our household expenses for a while because his mother needed financial help, so I had to scrape to cover the bills myself. I’ve always been an independent person and take care of myself, but I can’t say that I wasn’t a little bitter about this, especially since his family could have made some adjustments to cut their expenses.
4) FMIl and Future Sister-In-Law planned a gigantic engagement party that has come to overshadow our wedding and cause tension between Fiance and I. She calls him daily to discuss the details of this party and wants help planning it and I resent the whole thing. For a while he refused to discuss OUR wedding with me, but I found out that he was discussing OUR wedding with his mom behind my back.
I love him dearly and he is my best friend, but his mom’s smothering is making me very resentful and making me feel distant from him. I feel like there’s no good way to discuss this with him right now and set appropriate boundaries, because to him, his mother can do no wrong.
Anyone else have this issue?!
Post # 3
Oh gosh, he’s a hardcore mama’s boy… not good.
In all honesty, I’ve heard terrible stories about mama’s boys and none had good outcomes – either live with it or don’t. I’m not saying your Fiance will never change, but he has to want to and then draw some boundaries. If you make it very clear to him and nothing changes, you may have a hard decision to make.
Post # 4
I haven’t been in this situation, but I think a big discussion is definitely in order. He’s marrying you, not his mom. He needs to learn to draw boundaries and enforce them (not grumble while you do the enforcing). I’d have a serious talk with him, whether that’s at home or with your premarital counselor / clergy if you’re doing that. I’d discuss it now rather than later, because this could potentially be a life-long issue if you don’t address it and come to a mutual agreement.
Post # 5
I’ve heard it time and time again – When he marries you, YOU must be his #1. And he will be yours. You will be your own family unit and that unit doesn’t include relatives. NDBee had great advice. There needs to be boundaries and he needs to learn what the boundaries of a husband and wife are and learn how to respect those boundaries. At the end of the day, hes marrying you, not his mom.
Post # 6
Agree with PP’s that you need to have a big discussion with Fiance. You are going to be his wife, and the wife comes first now. A husband is supposed to stick up for his wife. She is #1 now. He is going to spend the rest of his life and raise a family with YOU, not his Mom. It’s sometimes hard for both parties (FI and FMIL’s) to understand that, so your feelings and boundaries should be brought out into the open as soon as possible. Sit him down, and just tell him how you feel! ..without getting heated! They shut down the minute we start getting angry and freak out.
My situation isn’t as bad as yours, as Future Mother-In-Law is pretty good with boundaries (so far), but because Fiance lived with Future Mother-In-Law ’til just very recently (since she moved out and I in), I had a civilized conversation and told him straight up that I believe the wife comes first and he should stick up for me, and I will do the same for him. He agreed and it seems like it’ll stick… hopefully.
Post # 7
Uh oh. I agree with the other ladies. I dated a Momma’s Boy once and it obviously (thank goodness) did not end well. Generally speaking the Mommas in their lives are manipulative and overbearing (speaking from experience) and take full advantage of every opportunity to meddle! They always know what is best and practically think for “their little boys”.
She’s ticked that you’re taking away her “Special Man” and this is how it is manifesting itself. When the tension is so thick it can be cut with a knife, her job is done.
She IS after all driving a wedge between you and FH, right? That’s exactly what she wants and it is working perfectly.
Like a PP said, you either have to learn to live with it or don’t because you are NOT going to be able to change it.
Post # 8
Its not going to get easier once you get married. This is who he is. Except it now or forever hold your peace.
Post # 9
I totally agree with PP’s, this is unfortunatly something that is not going to change, and if you want to at least set some boundaries you have to have a serious talk with him.
Post # 10
You all are so right. I don’t think that he’s a lost cause, but I do intend to discuss it with him. I just have to find the right time and the right approach because it is a sensitive subject. It is very frustrating because I feel like he is marrying his mom and not me.
I’ve been feeling lately like I want to cancel the wedding because it doesn’t feel like it’s something my heart wants anymore. I still want to get married, but I don’t need all the extra stuff. Dealing with the in-laws has kind of been a “kill-joy”.
I don’t think that she intentionally tries to drive a wedge between us. She is actually very sweet and likes me very much, which is why I hold back how I feel sometimes. I think that she is just used to smothering him and being needy and he is used to giving in to her demands and putting her first.
And I’m used to being on my own and not needing others, which is why I guess it’s been easy for me to deal with up until now. But now, with the wedding and us planning for our future, I hate that she’s coming first.
Post # 12
You may not want to handle it this way, but I had to start throwing tantrums. FI’s mother is very controlling, clingy, and selfish. We also had the experience of him having to help her with bills, which she has yet to pay us back in any way for. I finally got so fed up with always having to make concessions for her, and always having to give up my time, and my money, that I started just throwing fits.
It worked. He finally saw how manipulative she is and stopped giving her what she wanted.
Post # 13
I’m not saying this would work for every one, and I’m not saying it’s the best way to handle it, but a little bit of tantrum-throwing never hurt anyone, lol.
Post # 14
My ex Fiance broke up with me because his mom told him too. hag. lol! Im just saying you def gotta draw a boundry NOW . I mean it worked out for me cause my Fiance is freakin WAY awesome than ex was :p but still. hag. lol! thank you for reminding me not to raise a mamas boy!
Post # 15
I agree with PP’s. This is a very serious issue and it is not OK.
For me personally, this is a dealbreaker. It will only bring on more problems after marriage.
I suggest communication, boundaries, and counseling. You deserve better than this.
Post # 16
@BrnSgrGrl: Talk with him a.s.a.p. and be very clear about your needs. Gently, but firmly address the issue that you need to be #1, and that you are feeling his mother has that spot instead. Ask for ways you can both work to support each other, set those boundaries but still honor his mom, and compromise as a couple. I hope you can both work it out.
@Angelz_love: Your response cracked me up. hehe “hag” 😉