(Closed) FI criticizing me

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Wow…so, I kind of get that as we are getting close to signing contracts and marrying someone, we may take a few minutes to really evaluate the things that bug or annoy us about them.  And we should, because that won’t change – (or it’s not really up to us to try to change those things and we have to be conscious about saying we’re vowing to live with those things).  

So, I guess, I can see why maybe this stuff is on his mind.  And, honestly, I did something similar with my husband–when we were engaged, I thought through a couple things that did very much bother me and I knew I couldn’t ignore if we got married.  But, I wrote it out and wrote out my reasons and brought it up as carefully and as sensitive as I could.  

But that’s where my attempt to be nice about your boyfriend ends.  He has no reason to say things in that way.  And if you’ve been together for so long, it seems he is being intentional to hurt you unless he has some idea that trying to say things “jokingly” will keep it from being as serious or hurting your feelings as much.  

You can tell him that it hurts to have him say things like that and that also it’s just plain rude in how he’s saying it.  Tell him if something really bothers him, he can bring it up respectfully and thoughtfully but that you don’t have to be concerned about what annoys him if he’s going to bring it up in a way that feels like it is meant to hurt your feelings.  

Is he young, too?  You guys have been together since 15?  I definitely suspect there is some immaturity and anxiety surfacing, and I do think maybe some couple’s counseling or some counseling books  for both of you to read through might be a good idea.  

Post # 17
Member
3258 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

He sounds like a jerk. It’s only going to get worse after marriage.

And as far as being a good dad goes, I’m sorry but I’d never want my son to see his mother being controlled and told to cook and clean. That is not the kind of example I’d want to set. I once heard a saying, “Never marry a man unless you’d be proud to have a son exactly like him”. Your FI’s behavior is not ok and he’s being a crappy role model for his son by being so disrespectful to women.

Post # 19
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I was so stunned I had to read your post twice! For real, I’ve gone on record before stating my own DH is a jerk….but your Fiance makes my guy sound like a prince! Is this new behaviour or has he always been like this?

Post # 20
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

This is abusive behavior. Take it as a warning sign and heed it. He is tearing you down on purpose.

Post # 21
Member
2175 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If he’s been a genuinely decent human being up until that exact moment I can only assume the contract freaked him out and he’s trying to find an out. And if it were me he was insulting he’d have certainly found one.

Post # 22
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

They usually criticize you because they are insecure about themselves and want to feel superior over someone. It only gets worse. I had an ex fiancé like this. He started criticizing my body and weight, then complained I couldn’t dress myself or do makeup right. Then it came to the point he was picking out my clothes in the morning because he complained that I was terrible at picking out clothes. 

Two things – 1) make him stop this now. If he has a criticism – like you suck in bed – them ask him for specifics – just saying you suck gives you no idea what he feels you’re doing wrong, and what could be done better. If he wants the dishes washed, he has two hands… Get washing buddy! 

Number two – Either get some therapy now to figure out why being cruel like this is his way of coping with life, or tell him you’re breaking up with him. It only gets worse – in a few years you’ll have no self esteem. 

Post # 23
Member
1534 posts
Bumble bee

Gosh, I’m sorry, bee. This is unacceptable. I could not marry someone like this. 

Post # 24
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry, sweetie… . but this sounds MISERABLE. Your relationship is supposed to be your soft place to fall! If I didn’t get a regular pedicure, I don’t think my dh would give a rats ass. He probably wouldn’t even notice. Don’t get me wrong…. no one is perfect  and no one is a perfect partner 100 percent of the time but it sounds like he’s being purposefully cruel and is trying to get you to engage in a fight/argument with him. Telling your partner in a kind, loving, way that you would like to spice things up in the bedroom would be one thing… but saying that you are old, boring and lousy in the sack? Seriously? NOT OKAY in any sense of the word. I would be beyond pissed.

I too was wondering if this is a recent change in his behavior…. do you think it’s because the contract showed up and he’s freaking a bit about marriage? Or, has he always been this way? I would have serious reservations in committing myself for life to this man.

Post # 26
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
hssweetheart :  Whoa bee, this doesn’t sound good. He definitely crossed a line.

Post # 27
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
hssweetheart :  he doesn’t sound wonderful. This sounds like a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship that isn’t “wonderful” for you or for your child to be witnessing. Why are you staying with him? I would pump the breaks on this wedding contract. I feel like now that you are a step closer to being official his true colors are showing and it will only get worse when you marry him.

Post # 28
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
hssweetheart :  

I would be livid if my SO spoke to me that way.

He is saying things to deliberately hurt you and make you feel bad about yourself. He wants to control you. This is abuse. Please don’t don’t stay with this man – and certainly do not marry him.

He’s shown you who he is. People like this do not change and it will only get worse. 

Post # 29
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I agree with whats being said here. Your Fiance does not sound wonderful at all. Telling someone the things he told you (dress better, suck in bed, old and boring, etc) even jokingly, is never acceptable. That’s verbal abuse and it will only get worse. Put that contract through the paper shredder and get out of that relationship. A man that doesn’t respect you is not a man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Post # 30
Member
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Yes, this totally sounds like a wonderful man.

But, hey, at least he doesn’t sleep around!

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