(Closed) FI criticizing me

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

He sounds an awful lot like my ex-H. Years of that crap broke down my self-esteem, confidence, and feeling of worth to the point where I felt like I had no say in my relationship. Everything was on his terms and he’d be damned if he didn’t remind me regularly that I was somehow less than great. Of course, he concealed the criticism as “jokes” so even if I called him on it he’d argue that I was simply being too sensitive and he was obviously just joking. By the end of our marriage I was convinced that he didn’t like me very much. All I felt was contempt from him and it wasn’t until I stopped wondering if he was right about the worst parts of me that I felt able to leave. Ugh. Best thing I ever did was leave that marriage. It’s amazing how my eyes have opened now to what a good relationship can be like. I am now with a man who would never in a million years dream of saying anything like that to me, not even in the heat of an argument. He’d defend me against anyone who would dare talk to me like that. Instead he lifts me up, compliments me, praises me, and thanks me for cooking, even when the recipe didn’t turn out that great. That is what a true partner does. And if he has a problem with something in our relationship, he brings it up in non-critical and non-joking way so we can both work on the issue together. Again, that’s what a partner does in a healthy, mature relationship.

What he’s doing is passive aggressive and destructive to your relationship and your self-esteem. Whether he knows it or not, he’s hurting you. My guess is he does know it and derives some sick pleasure/feeling of superiority out of it. The good news is you’re not yet married so you can put the brakes on that plan for now until you see if he can improve. Because YOU aren’t the one who needs to be improving here. HE is.

Tell him you want to have a serious talk about your relationship and find a good time for both of you to sit down and talk. Tell him something like, “When you make jokes like that, rattle off a list of my flaws, or tell me that I’m not good at X, Y, or Z it makes me feel like you don’t really like who I am. I’m questioning whether marriage is the right direction for us to take. If there are things you want to improve in our relationship, tell me in a straightforward, non-joking manner so we can work together to resolve those problems. But please understand that there are things about me that won’t change so I need to feel that you also accept me for who I am.” Maybe you’ll never be a 5 star chef. That’s OK but he needs to be willing to accept that and work with you to come up with a different plan than having you cook all the time if it’s an issue for him. Maybe you need more sleep than he does (many women do) so need to go to bed earlier. Again, that’s OK but he needs to accept that and not make hurtful comments about it. I would watch his response very closely when you tell him that because that will reveal a lot about whether or not this relationship has hope. As he is now, I hope you wouldn’t marry him. If he laughs, dismisses your feelings, or tries to convince you that your feelings are “wrong” then those are big red flags. If he listens, acknowledges that he’s said hurtful things or at least acknowledges that he can see why you’d be hurt by what he’s said, and agrees that he needs to be more clear and kind about relationship issues with you then there’s hope. If you want to continue the relationship, I highly recommend couples counseling since there seem to be major communication issues going on. On top of his thinking it’s OK to treat his partner that badly, of course. 

I could go on, but I just want to say that being passive aggressive is one of the most irritating and destructive ways of communicating in a relationship. It simply does not work. It doesn’t get your point across clearly so the issue is never fixed, and it pisses off or hurts the person you’re with. 100% ineffective and 100% destructive.

For what it’s worth, having been through something similar I think you’re wasting your time with this guy and should leave before you waste another year of your life with him. There are so many amazing men out there who have no problem treating a woman with respect and love. However, I understand how hard it can be to make the leap so just keep your eyes open and don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself. If you feel disrespected or hurt, tell him. Don’t scream, don’t yell, but tell him how his words and actions make you feel. Keep your eyes open for his response and see what that tells you about him. Decide if this is how you want to be treated for the rest of your life.

Post # 47
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Oh Bee, no one’s best friend ever speaks to them this way.

Your best friend would say “hey, You cooked dinner, worked, went to school and took care of our kid, why dont I do the dishes so you can hit the mall and get a pedicure to make yourself feel great?”

Don’t even get me started on the sex thing. what a horrible thing to say to you

 

ETA: List making and keeping score? beyond unhealthy. don’t make any more wedding plans until you’re sure that’s what you want

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by lmo013.
Post # 48
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

Did I miss the part where all of his mop-and-vacuum wielding fingers are broken? Did I miss his Top 10 list of everything he needs to improve on? (not treating you like a POS would be job #1). This doesn’t sound like best friend material or future-husband material, this sounds like Grade A thank-God-he’s-an-ex material.

Seriously sweetie, how lower than low does your self esteem have to be for you to look forward to this abusive douchenoodle coming home to you? And your answer to his treatment of you is to hide how it bothers you while you continue trying to be better in his eyes and are grateful he doesn’t cheat on you? I would truly suggest you seek professional counselling in dealing with your self esteem issues, no-one should be so grateful for so little. 

Post # 49
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Hes terrible, bee. A best friend lifts you up and thinks your character flaws are good even when they’re annoyed. 

People get mad and tired but they don’t list their partners alleged faults. 

Not ok. He’s got a problem. No one deserves to be talked to like that. 

 

Post # 50
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Tbh, this list is only going to get longer with time. It seems like he’s not completely satisfied with you and wants you to change to become what he wants. My husband would never pick 10 things he dislikes about me. In a healthy relationship no one would tear down their partner like that. 

Post # 51
Member
621 posts
Busy bee

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hssweetheart :  You suck in bed? Compared to who? How many partners has he had? 

If you don’t know any better, you think what you have is good. Just like how you think your relationship is good. Unless you think he’s reminiscing about that one time he and Linda Lou “did it” at age 14 before you guys got together, I’d be suspicious. How do you know he’s never cheated? 

Post # 52
Member
621 posts
Busy bee

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Speck_ :  lol. I know somebody with that same relationship to shellfish! We are always trying to convince her not to eat it. Once when we were in Vegas, we couldn’t dissuade her from eating the lobster and she had such a bad reaction that we had to get an epipen into her! 

Post # 53
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would never have a “best friend” like that. 

 

Aside from the very obvious concerns, I find it very scary that you could not even tell him the truth when he asked if you were mad?? 

 

This screams emotional abuse and immaturity. Just because he is the father of your child or someone you are “comfortable” with, doesn’t mean you need to settle for this crap. 

Post # 54
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

View original reply
hssweetheart :  

do everything he asked and answer him in this order

please put 25.00 in my bank every other week for my pedi 

also another 30.00 each week for the cleaner

i am happy for you to take over the cooking, your right I shouldn’t be cooking, cleaning, working and raising our children

please put another 75.00 weekly into my account as I intend to shop more regularly

ps here’s a sex book, as your clearly not doing it right, make more of an effort to make me cum Hun xxx

and finally things I hate about you, sometimes your a real arsehole.

turn and flounce out of the room.

 

Post # 55
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee

Please don’t marry this dude. He shouldn’t be putting you down like that 🙁

Post # 56
Member
7967 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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hssweetheart :  Oh, Bee. If this is how you think a best friend should treat you…perhaps he once was your best friend but the behavior you have described would not be acceptable from an acquaintance, let alone someone who is supposed to care about you. 

This is not how people love one another. The man you should marry will value you, he will respect you, he will be kind to you, he will support you, he will think you are beautiful just as you are. 

The man you should marry WILL NOT pick you apart and tear you down and insult you and make you feel less than…

Post # 57
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

WTH. These posts on the Bee just breaks my heart–Like WHAT oh WHAT does it take for you ladies to STOP saying that these poor pathetic sad excuses for human beings are “wonderful guy”s and “great father”s!????

By The Way, if a man does not respect and love the mother of his son the way he ought to, he is NOT a great father.  Not even a good one. Because that is like the #1 requirement of being a good father, which is why there’s that saying:

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”

I shudder to think that this is the role model your son will have, so that one day your son will think that it’s OK to treat another woman this way.

If you don’t stand up for yourself and fix this or leave him if you can’t fix this, then you are doing some poor girl in the future a huge disservice and probably her children as well.  

Post # 58
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee

OP, this is a classic “shit sandwich” situation.

You would never say “this sandwich is SO DELICIOUS! But it has a tiny piece of shit in it. But it’s so good, I’ll eat it anyway”. Well, your FI’s criticisms are the shit in your relationship “sandwich”. It doesn’t matter how good the rest is, it can’t make up for the horrible things he says to you.

Post # 59
Member
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017 - Ocean front

View original reply
hssweetheart :  that is definitely not ok!!  Why would you smile as he’s ripping into you like thar?

He must have other red flags…..or is this the very first sign in 8 years of abuse which that IS! 

For you and your son’s sake….get out, as he sounds like a narcissistic loser!

Good luck bee…dodge that bullet of a lifetime of abuse if not for you,  your son! :+(

 

Post # 60
Member
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - Emerald at Queensridge

Honestly bee there is no such thing as a good relationship in which the man talks to the woman in that way (or two guys, two girls, whatever). This is a serious red flag of what is to come in your relationship, especially if you are legally tied to him in marriage which will make it become much more difficult for you to get up and leave if need be. I would seriously reconsdier marrying someone who tells you those mean, nasty things. I don’t know you but I can already tell you that you do not deserve that kind of treatment and there are soooooo many men out there that would treat you with the respect you deserve. 

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