(Closed) FI Doesn't Like Talking

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
977 posts
Busy bee

My Fiance and I are both quiet, but we still make time for each other. We turn the tv off, no phones.  Eat dinner in peace and quiet, listen to each other.  

He sounds a lot like my xDH – he had a lot of communication problems.  He talked, but he wouldn’t talk to me.  He’d rather watch tv or play on his phone.  When I talked to him it was like talking to a wall. I think I got better responses from the wall than I did from him. It caused a lot of problems in our marriage.  

From my past experiences and the toll that it took on my marriage, my own advice is to work on it before you two get married or it will get worse.  Kids come into the picture, who is the one that will be dealing with the crying baby the entire time? You, not him. Then that will cause more fights between the two of you because he’s not doing his part helping out.  It’s just a vicious circle.  

You need to sit down and really have a talk with him. Today’s world of technology, it’s hard to get a phone out of someones hand.  

Best of luck. Hope it works out. 

Post # 4
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MrsBeck:  ((HUGS))  I’m so sorry you’re sad and going through this.  This is a difficult issue and my feeling is the way your Fiance is treating you is not respectful. 

Have you tried writing out a letter to him explaining how you feel?  Communication is a vitally important element in any healthy relationship.  Let him know without communication you do not feel loved or valued.  Acknowledge all the things he does right in this letter; the reasons you love him and the ways in which he does make you happy.  But make it clear that this is not an issue you’re going to push under the rug or let drop.

Ask him if it’s important to him that you feel valued and loved.  If it is, then he needs to take some drastic steps to change his behavior towards you and open up more.  The two of you can come to a compromise about talking over your days, etc.  But no talking at all is not acceptable.  If he continues to treat you with disdain you may want to rethink this relationship. 

Let him know you’re not asking for more than the same politeness he would give a friend or anyone he cares about.  It’s completely rude for him to ignore you and play with his phone while you’re talking.  Not to mention immature, it’s the behavior of a surly ten-year old.

I wish you good luck with this!

Post # 5
2899 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MrsBeck:  I wonder if he has any symptoms of adult ADD. I have it, and I find it immensely frustrating when I come home from a long day at work and Fiance wants to talk my ear off. I just want some time to zone out and focus on watching the news or catching up on Facebook or reading a magazine to unwind, but the second I walk in, Fiance wants to ask a zillion questions or go on a monologue about his day and it drives me crazy. Then I don’t want to talk for the rest of the evening because he has already worn me out!

What works for us is sort of a compromise – he lets me decompress until dinner is on the table, and then we put away all the distractions and I pay attention just to him. By then, I’m relaxed enough to listen and converse, and there’s something about not being like, assaulted by conversation that makes me want to talk to him. Like, playing hard to get, or something. I don’t like it when he is all “where’d ya go, who’d you see, whaddya know?” but when he is quiet, it makes me want to talk. 

It sounds like he isn’t doing a very good job of addressing your feelings though. Our compromise only works because we both stick to it – he stays quiet for a bit but then I give him my undivided attention for the rest of the night. I hope he figures out how much this bothers you and is willing to come up with a solution. 

Post # 8
95 posts
Worker bee

This is very similar to my relationship. I also really struggle with the brick wall response. it drives me nuts. 

I don’t have any advice as I’m yet to break this cycle, but know you’re not alone and not the only one! 

One thing I have found that works with my SO us talking in really quiet relaxed time. Ie in bed, in the dark, absolutely no confrontation. Obviously this is not a solution though, and is only a desparate measures type situation. 

Post # 9
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

My Fiance is not a big talker but he understands that I am and lets me ramble on as much as I want and at least pretends to be interested and participates in the conversation. Sometimes he’s like “baby… You know I don’t care at all about <insert whatever>” but he’ll listen still. Our compromise is this…. He gets home before me but basically has time to shower and sit down to start watching his favorite sports news show, I get home right after it starts. Even though the show bores me to death, I let him finish watching before I start talking. We do have a brief hey, how are you? convo as soon as I get home though.

Post # 10
2899 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@MrsBeck:  To be totally honest, it depends. I tend to hyperfocus and also have trouble remembering things, so if there’s something floating around in my head that I have to address – like “don’t forget to write the rent check” or “how am I going to deal with this work issue?” or if I stop in the middle of doing something I was focused on – then sometimes it’s still difficult for me.

But I do make a genuine effort to remember how important it is for Fiance that I pay attention and engage with him. I grew up with a parent who is also easily distracted and tends to ignore me in favor of flipping through a magazine or watching a tv show and I remind myself how deeply that hurts, when you’re trying to connect with someone who is really not giving you the attention you deserve. (My best friend used to joke that it’d be funny if I go to a therapist’s office and pour out my heart about how my parent ignores me, then look up to see the therapist flipping through a magazine and saying, “mm hmm…” Lol!)

It’s definitely easier with time to decompress, though. I like to get through tasks like changing my work clothes, putting away groceries, sorting the mail and paying bills as soon as I get home, and when my Fiance is playing twenty questions, I get super irritated because he’s distracting me – and that irritation lingers for a while. When I am able to get all of that stuff done in peace, I can sort of shift my attention to him because the major chores are done. But it definitely does take an effort of both of our parts – left to my own devices, I’d probably be nose deep in a book til around midnight. And it’s really not that I don’t love my fiance or want to talk to him – I find him very interesting and fun to talk to and I love the conversations we have! I just have to realize my brain works in funny ways, that those ways affect the people around me and that I have to find ways to work around it to treat everyone in the loving, respectful way that they deserve. 

I don’t want to play Internet Psychologist too much, but I think you might find it helpful to read up on spouses of people with adult ADD. Not saying he has it, but I bet they’ve got some strategies for dealing with an inattentive partner that might give him something new to think about. You absolutely deserve a partner who pays attention to you! 

Post # 12
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hmmmm i think we are opposites. Fiance always wants the TV off and to eat dinner at the table. I’m an intovert and sometimes i like the quiet. But i make the effort to be present when he wants to talk to me. 

Maybe make a rule? No TV before 8pm. We did that last winter (winter is always the worst time because its cold so you dont want to go outside you just want to hibernate). We would do things together around the house until 8 and then we could veg out if we wanted. It helped alot. Fiance didnt feel like he was being ignored and we got alot done. Clearly some days we allowed the rule to be broken, but for the most part it worked. 

And in the summer the TV is never on so we dont worry about it. 

Post # 13
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@MrsBeck:  Read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and Five Languages of Love. Tjese really helped me to better understand how men and women differ in communication styles.

Post # 15
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

He can’t give you 10 minutes a day? TEN MINUTES? I’m sorry, talking and sharing your thoughts and experiences on a daily basis is part of building a life with someone. This just sounds weird. The fault is entirely with him. If he can’t meet your requests – you should NOT have to compromise – I’d seriously reconsider.

Post # 16
1920 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think you have been given some good advice already. The only thing I would add is, where do you eat dinner? Do you eat in front of the tv? DH and I used to do that in our old apartment and I started feeling like we never talked either. Once we bought our house we made it a rule that we eat at the table and that’s our “talking” time. I really like that time and its a good thing to get used to for when you have a family. Perhaps this would be one compromise he would be willing to make, as you’re not just sitting down to talk but eating as well.

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