- 7 years ago
- Wedding: November 1999
You are not the only one. I have recently learned to just accept it. He is an engineer and is like my dad in that they communicate when it’s necessary. They just aren’t into long drawn out conversations. Sometimes at night when we are lying in bed we can get to talking before falling asleep. I just don’t take it personally and if I feel chatty I chat with my friends or family.
There’s a big difference between “doesn’t like to talk a lot” and “won’t talk to you at all, even when you’re sitting in front of him begging him to.” I am definitely the former – I’m just not a big chatterbox. My Fiance (who has adult ADD, btw – I can assure you that diagnosis doesn’t go hand in hand with inability to chatter, or our house would be a LOT quieter) LOVES to talk my ear off about every little thing that happens to him. Sometimes I definitely give him the “mm-hmm” treatment while he’s rattling on.
But if my Fiance had repeatedly brought up to me that I don’t talk to him enough? That he feels ignored and taken for granted? I certainly wouldn’t keep PLAYING WITH MY PHONE while he was crying himself to sleep. That seems like disrespect bordering on contempt. I think there’s something else going on here, and no way should you accept it as “just the way he is.”
I hate how often “deal breaker” gets thrown around on the bee, but this would truly be a deal breaker for me. I’m a talker, and FH is much quieter than me, but he always listens to me and makes me feel respected. If he flat out refused to talk to me, or wouldn’t put down his stupid phone, I would not tolerate it.
I will say, he’s recently gotten a lot better. He suffers from anxiety (and secondary depression as a result), and there was a period this summer where his depression was TERRIBLE (went off meds cold turkey; mistake). And he acted just like your Fiance: ignored me, when I asked for attention he would read the news on his phone and half-listen. Now he’s back on meds and doing so much better. And since then, he’s been so much more attentive and loving 🙂
Not trying to diagnose your Fiance here, but that seemed to be a major factor in the not talking phenomenon. My Fiance is still shy (introvert by nature; accountant), but he should always be able to talk to me.
Thank you Bees for all of your advice and kind words!
I don’t really have much advice other than just letting you know you are not alone. My SO does this, too. He answers everything with as short and non-informative responses as possible. I guess just keep repeating your feelings about this over and over again so he can get it in his head that he has to meet your needs. I don’t have the same problem with my SO being on electronics because that isn’t his thing, but I do have problems where he will fidget with things to the point where it is annoying and distracting me and he will just avoid eye contact when speaking and things like that. I’m not exactly sure what to do about it, either, since talking to them won’t do much, but something has to get through…. Maybe ask him how he would feel if he was trying to have sex with you and you were just like “oh…cool” while you scroll through your facebook feed. It doesn’t feel good to not feel valued and not get any attention from your SO who is supposed to treat you right… I hope things look up for you!
Do you approach him from the moment either of you walk in the door? No one really likes to talk unless they get settled. He probably isn’t used to the time to himself. Sometimes, opening a cold beer, placing it on the table for him and walking out of the room does WONDERS. Find a way to draw a lot of your attention from him so that its even. When he wants attention, he will definitely come for it. That’s how men are. 🙂
My Fiance has been doing this more and more recently, too!
I wonder if it’s something to do with the wedding getting closer?
Has he always been like that, or is it getting worse?
My FH is the talker in the relationship and I am not. I lecture to students and talk all day long, so I am “talked out” by the time I come home. Still, I do LISTEN to my FH when he talks and will have conversations when it is important to do so.
What concerns me is not how little your Fiance talks to you – it’s the fact that he can’t turn off the TV or turn away from his freaking phone a mere 10 minutes to listen to you and really concentrate on your relationship. I don’t know if you are planning on having kids but I would be worried as to how involved he would be with his children.
I think a lot of people have given good advice on here. I’ll just add that my dad sounds very similar to your Fiance. He’s a nice guy, but he’s not a great communicator. I know it’s made my mom feel very lonely at times even though they have been married 30+ years. I don’t think i could put up with it. You’re definitely smart to be thinking about this and addressing it. Good luck!
@MrsBeck: My SO is literally the quietest person I know. He hates talking to people, usually is very brief in all he says, and only adds things he thinks he needs to. But that said, he talks to me. He’s still no chatterbox, but he is happy to not have distractions and just have my company, even if we don’t chit chat. And he makes sure to do some of that, too.
If this guy loves you, even if he doesn’t like chatting, he should enjoy talking to you at least a little. The fact that he doesn’t show some not so great things about the way he views you in his life.
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