(Closed) FI doesn't understand why I don't want to walk home alone at night…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I went out of my building into the main part of my apartment complex just to walk down the sidewalk and around the corner to put a piece of mail in the mailbox. It was dark when I went out, and out of nowhere this guy pops up behind me and starts talking to me, saying hi, asking me how I’m doing, and he followed me. When I turned to go up to the mailbox, thankfully he stepped off the sidewalk and went across the parking lot to the sidewalk in front of another building. But then he walked up the other sidewalk watching me from and started shouting at me. I couldn’t hear what he was saying because there were cars going by on the main road, but I booked the fuck out of there and back to my apartment, where I promptly called Darling Husband to tell him, and got scolded for going outside at night, no matter if it’s to the mailbox or not. I didn’t have my phone on me, or my house keys, OR my ring (to flip around and smack the shit out of someone? Idk), I was crapping myself. I have never gone outside after dark without my Darling Husband from that point. 

Another story, a metro station outside of my building requires about a 10 minute walk from the station up the sidewalk to our building. A couple years ago THREE woman employees were sexually assaulted in the early morning hours on their walk TO WORK when it was still dark out. OUTSIDE OF A FEDERAL BUILDING THAT HAS ARMED GUARDS.

Maybe if your Fiance actually takes the time to educate himself about assaults/robberies/rape, he might think otherwise. T__T

Post # 17
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

allyfally:  Dang I hope you called the cops on that guy, he could’ve well attacked someone else!

Post # 18
Member
8482 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

 

icanhearyousmile:  I did, but it didn’t do any good. Our local police suck. They basically said that because he didn’t threaten me and I didn’t see a weapon then I couldn’t prove that he meant harm.

Post # 19
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am not a generally fearful person. I walk around at night by myself and I’m not generally scared. I’m sure that would be much different if I had been attacked. But while I know that academically, I don’t really get it. Like your husband. And not just being alone at night. Spiders and oceans and flying and what not. I know there are people that know, in their head, that these really pose very little risk, but they still totally freak them out. I know people like this. But if it’s not something you experience yourself, it’s hard to understand. I can be supportive. But I still don’t get it, because I see it as ilogical. I don’t look down on people or anything. But it doesn’t make sense to me so I can’t really relate. So I would cut your guy some slack. Because he did both offer and actually come meet you. Which is the important part. It sounds like he may be stressed. With work, which is why he was being snarky. Which was wrong. But hie may not ever really get it just because he hasn’t had your experiences and so it doesn’t resonate with him. But that’s okay. He doesn’t need to get it. He just needs to be helpful and not make you feel guilty about it. So that’s what I’d work on. Let him know that you need him to be supportive and not make you feel guilty.

Post # 20
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t see why your Fiance would be annoyed with your hesitation to walk anywhere alone at night! I get nervous walking home alone at night too – usually if there’s someone (male) walking behind me or near me I will call my husband and he’ll stay on the phone and talk to me until I’m home (or come pick me up if he’s not out anywhere). I also walk with my keys in my hand (to use as a weapon if needed). I just don’t think guys understand because they don’t exactly have a fear of getting raped (maybe robbed or in a fight, yes), and guys in general are naturally stronger than girls and therefore don’t get as nervous if they are walking alone or near other guys late at night – girls can be overpowered a little easier.

I think you are totally in the right on this one!

Post # 21
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think that is ridiculous!  My Fiance would never let me walk home alone at night, he would come and pick me up or organise a cab or something.  Whenever I go out on a girls night (not that regularly, we usually just do girly sleepovers) He will always stay home that night so he can come pick me up whenever I need him to, and I do the same for him if he’s going on a guys night.  I think it’s really sweet how he doesn’t want me to put myself in danger.  We also don’t live in the best neighbourhood.  You didn’t demand anything from him, he offered, and so he should!

Post # 22
Member
3065 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ZebraPrintMe:  NO not at all. Especially give the fact that you were assaulted while walking as a young teen. That had to be so scary! Props for you for even walking some of the way 

Your Fiance is super insensitive. He of all people should understand why you would feel uneasy.

 

Post # 23
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

He doesn’t get it because he’s a man. He doesn’t understand that even without having a past trauma like yours, women live in a society of rape culture…. we’ve been raised our whole lives to fear being alone, parking garages, the dark… etc. I often wonder what it must be like for them, because I swear I feel afraid of something like that at least twice a day. 

The bottom line is… if you are afraid, he needs to help you come up with a plan so that you are not afraid AND he needs to take the time to try to understand. I would suggest he google the “Shadow effect of crime.” It explains how women often live under a fear of being raped or assaulted and men usually do not. 

Post # 24
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I live in an area where I can regularly walk around as late as midnight by myself. It’s perfectly safe. But, if I asked my fi to talk me, he would. It sounds like your Fiance was honestly just being selfish. He didn’t want to walk bc he had an early day. Maybe next time, just plan on not staying too late if Fiance isn’t available to walk you. 

Post # 25
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

ZebraPrintMe:  No you’re not being too sensitive. You never know what could happen to a woman walking alone at night. When I’ve been drinking I get stupid. I will try to walk home alone, even order Fiance to stay home and he’ll still be waiting for me a block away from where I am. It really has nothing to do with how “safe” your area is. Criminals aren’t glued to the “bad” part of town. Some of them even have cars. (ok, that was sarcastic) But seriously, there is no such this as a safe neighborhood where nothing could ever happen. The wrong place and time can happen anywhere.

Post # 26
Member
10 posts
Newbee

My husband is the same way with my “fears”. I don’t think he’s trying to be hurtful, he just genuinely does not understand. Unfortunately with most fears, we don’t understand ourselves. Luckily you have a reason to be cautious. I don’t have a reason to have anxiety attacks when a doctor walks in with a needle…

Post # 27
Member
628 posts
Busy bee

ZebraPrintMe: He was probably grumpy because he didn’t attend the event due to work and then had to stay up until it ended anyway and go out and walk. He can’t tell you how to feel and whether it is right or wrong. Just because he can’t understand it doesn’t mean you’re not justified. 

Maybe you can compromise and take a cab next time. Then he doesn’t have to stay up and you don’t have to walk alone. 

Post # 28
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

My SO once got mad because I was walking around a bus station in a questionable area at night (in England). There were staff all over the place and people everywhere as well. When he caught up with me, he gave me shit for thinking that a woman as small as myself wouldn’t be the first person someone chose to attack. When my SO is in town, I never walk alone at night because he makes sure that he is there, or I just find someone else to meet me.

That said, when my SO isn’t in town, I walk around at night alone all the time. I’ve probably just been lucky and I’ve only ever really seen someone that made me uncomfortable once. I think you have reason to be worried, especially if you’ve had a bad experience when you were younger.

Post # 29
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

Jijitattoo:  +1

My SO actually bought me pepper spray and a (pink!) stun gun…and that’s for during the daytime. I never walk alone at night.

It boggles the mind that your Fiance did not give you unflinching support on this issue – I can’t imagine how anyone could be unaware of a woman’s vulnerability in such a situation. It shouldn’t even need to be explained.

Post # 30
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This would be the first time that I’ve ever heard of any man saying anything like this. I’ve never known any man that would be okay with his significant other walking around at night by herself. The fact that you have been assaulted before makes me think that his comment was even more rude.

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