Post # 1
I have a very large family, last count was 70 and that’s just immediate family, and we’re all very close. FI, however doesn’t get along with a fair portion of his and is only planning on inviting 15 family members. When I pointed out that with our friends and +1s, we’ll be around 125, he had a mini panic attack. He doesn’t like crowds or being surrounded by tons of people. While he’s met most of my family, it’s been in smaller groups. He said that he really doesn’t want that many people. I know that some won’t come because of distance, but our family is used to big parties and everyone coming together to celebrate. I can’t imagine not inviting some of them and I would honestly love to invite more. I feel like I’m leaving out special people. How can we reconcile this? What’s a good compromise? I would love to have everyone and their moms there, but he gets incredibly overwhelmed in situations like that.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Welcome to the first compromise of your wedding and marriage. Everyone has different ideas about what a wedding is and whom to invite. I would ask him what a reasonable number of guests would be for him and find some middle number you can agree on. It means that some people are going to be chopped from your list but that is what it means to compromise. It’s not like your Fiance doesn’t want to celebrate at all, he just prefers a more intimate wedding. I’m sorry but it sounds like you are both going to have to give somewhere in order to have a wedding that makes you both happy.
With me and my Fiance, he was the one that wanted to invite anyone and everyone he ever knew (thankfully he has a small family) while I wanted to elope with just the two of us. It took a few months of going back and forth but we both compromised and it went from a 200+ to 60 people (he is still trying to sneak in extra people so our final number will probably be closer to 80.) It was really important for us to have a large enough list that it felt like a party for him but small enough that I didn’t feel like it was a spectacle since it’s my second marriage.
Post # 4
Like beachbride1216 said, you definitely have to meet halfway. Has your Fiance gone to see a professional about his anxiety issues in a crowd? This is something he should look into, not just because of the wedding but because of his own well-being.
For your family, I’m afraid you may have to make a ranked list of who you most want to invite to the least. That way, you can start small and hopefully add in more people as he gradually warms up to the idea of a bigger wedding.
For my Fiance and I, we agreed with very specific groups. For example, he’s inviting ALL relatives in the local area so I’m doing the same. But we’re not inviting some of our closer family because of distance. Something like that can also help you two figure who exclude based on budget.
Post # 5
I was that complete opposite…my husband would have had 150 people there, and I was just not having it.
You need to figure out what you can compromise on. There is a drastic number difference you have there, so it’s not going to be easy.
Maybe you can do a destination wedding? Chances are you wouldn’t have so many “yes” replies as you would a nonDW.
Post # 6
You will both just need to compromise as it is a wedding for the two of you. For you this means you might have to rank your family members, for him it means he might need to seek therapy for his anxiety so that he will be comfortable having a slightly larger wedding than he wants.
What you shouldn’t do is bulldoze him into having a lagre wedding where he ends up being so uncomfortable that he needs to drink or load up on anti-anxiety meds just to survive. This wouldn’t be special for him, and it runs this risk of him not really rememebering his own wedding b/c he was either drugged up or terrified.
Another option is a destination wedding or elopment, with a local reception/party afterward. That was he could be present and comfortable for the actual wedding ceremony, and you could still end up having the large party with your family and friends.
Post # 7
I know we’ll need to compromise, it’s just really hard to rank my family. If we were close to some, but not others, ok, but everyone’s is there for everyone. The 70 is bare bones, grandma, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and first cousins. I had 300 people at my quinceñera, so compared to 70, that’s a lot.
We’ve talked about having our own halves of the reception. Like, finding a venue where he and his friends can have a LAN party in a room separate from the dance. That way, he doesn’t have to be surrounded by my huge family all night.
Post # 8
@HonoraryNerd: We went from a big (in our eyes) wedding of 120 to an intimate wedding of 30 to please my Fiance. He’s very shy, and doesn’t like being the center of attention at all. I was sad at first to cut so many guests, but as the planning has gone on I can see HOW MUCH INCREDIBLY EASIER it is to invite less guests. Also more cost effective 😉
Also, I am embarrassed to admit that I know and fully understand your FI’s LAN party idea. Not going to ever ever ever mention that to my Fiance, because he will think it’s the best idea ever and insist on doing it lol. You are a really cool fiancee! haha
Post # 9
@BeeandBeeBride27: Haha, thanks. Wow, I can’t imagine bring our list that low. I have no idea how I’d choose who to invite first. He’s not much help either. I asked how many he’d be comfortable with or his ideal number, “I dunno…” Thanks, babe…
Post # 10
I wouldn’t do the LAN party. The reception is supposed to be celebrating the two of you starting your lives together. What does it say when you start your marriage off celebrating apart?
Post # 11
@Anise: Yea, that was a big hesitation. We’re still trying to figure things out in that regard.
Post # 12
Can you comprimise and do an intimate ceremony and dinner, followed later by a less formal party (like a park bbq or something) where you invite everyone?
Post # 13
@bridinmt: If only the necessary family were the type to only go to the reception. No, they’d be incredibly offended if they weren’t invited to the ceremony. For reference, at my quinceñera mass, there were at least 100 people.
Post # 14
This isn’t going to help, but I was kinda like, we have to have a big (150+) wedding or elope, b/c my family is sooo big. I was fine with eloping though, or even having an immediate family only dinner, or extending it just a tad. He wanted a “regular” wedding though, so it meant big wedding.
Otherwise it just gets tough. How do you invite certain aunts/uncles/cousins without inviting others? What about neighbors who you grew up with?
I feel you. I don’t really have any good advice though.
Post # 15
@HonoraryNerd: what about eloping? if he has an issue with being around lots of people you could always elope and have a destination wedding all the important people would try to make it and a lot of all inclusive resorts throw in a free wedding for up to 20 ppl like sandals for example. or you could have a small ceremony and reception on a cruise ship for only 20 or 30 guests.
Post # 16
The Destination Wedding is a good idea. My brother got married in Puerto Rico (since no passports were needed) and they were only even allowed to invite 50 people, so that really helped narrow it down. I think they had 28 total. It was a blast. They didn’t even have a bridal party. I think the whole thing including their hotel stay cost them around 10k.