(Closed) FI doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore it seems like

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@lonelybee12: Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like there are some deep-set issues going on with your Darling Husband. Does he seem depressed or emotionally withdrawn, as well, or is it just a physical thing? Perhaps he’s battling with depression… that can certainly affect sex. Can you think of any stresses or anything that would be overwhelming him? Work, family, etc.?

Post # 4
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Sorry, that is a tough thing to go through.  Has he spoken to his doctor about this?  Sometime the med can interfere with sex drive and I know they have to be changed every so often and he may have gotten to the point of where they need to be changed.  It is worth speaking to his doctor about at least.

Post # 5
2893 posts
Sugar bee

You said that he’s been on antidepressants for 8 years but has he recently upped his dose or changed the type of meds he’s taking? That could cause an adverse reaction and effectively kill his libido.Your body can also just decide that it no longer wants to cope with a drug that you’ve been taking for a long time. He needs to go see a doctor because whether or not it is the meds, a destroyed libido could mean his meds are acting up or could indicate other medical issues. Or if he’s leading an unhealthy lifestyle and the doctor knows his libido is shot, the doctor could suggest ways to correct it.

I really do think you guys need to see a couples counselor that specializes in sexual compatibility. I’ve been in your situation and it sounds like you’ve repeatedly bent over backwards for him. This has to stop. You deserve to feel wanted, needed. Stop hiding in the bathroom and crying. If he pulls some crap like that, let yourself cry in front of him. You shouldn’t hide your hurt. He needs to know how much this pains you.

I also think the counselor could help because perhaps he wasn’t emotionally connecting with these other women. Perhaps they were just a just a quick bang and the thrill of the hunt was his thing. If that’s the case, since he loves you, he’s not seeing you as just an object and because you aren’t an object to be used he isn’t interested in having sex with you. If there is an emotional hurdle keeping him back, a counselor could help with that.

I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. I know it’s incredibly hurtful. Maybe next time he insists that it’s not you and it’s him and he just has a low libido, maybe you should tell him to just fake it till he makes it then. Because you have needs too.

Post # 6
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@lonelybee12:  Oh, I am soooo sorry this is happening to you.  But, MAYBE, it is a medical problem.  I work at a family physicians office, and men of all ages (20 plus) have come in with low libido.  If men have very low testosterone levels, it’s hard for them to get aroused.  It can also cause them to be depressed, which doesn’t help the sexual situation.  As men age, their bodies naturally decrease in testosterone levels.  But, I would have him consult a medical doctor, to see if he has low testosterone, or any other medical issues that would cause him to have a low libido.  They have testosterone therapy if he really has low testosterone.

Also, you said he’s on anti-depressants, do you know if they changed the type he’s taking? If he’s taking a different kind, it may be the cause of the low libido.

Don’t fault yourself,  I can understand how that would make any women feel worse of herself.  Seek medical help first.  I don’t know what else to say. Please update, I hope everything works out for you.  If it’s not a medical condition maybe seek couples counseling and sex therapy.  Good luck.

Post # 7
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Hmmm. We’re there any drastic changes following your engagement? Is it possible this is some kind of Madonna/Whore thing, where he feels differently and asexual BECAUSE you will be his wife, not just his lover?

Post # 9
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

Do you think that your aggressiveness is turning him off? Many men want to be the ones to initiate, but from what it sounds like, you are the one doing all the work. Its working in reverse for him.

I’d stop asking, forcing the issue and crying about it. Let him come to you.

Post # 11
1013 posts
Bumble bee

It seems like he is very aware of his issue.  And honestly i think its probably a medical issue.  Depression can definitely affect sex drives.  Trust me.  And he seems to be genuinely remorseful about it.  I would ask him to see a doctor. 

Post # 13
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I sometimes have a very low sex drive and am sometimes depressed. Often, it’s because I don’t feel sexy, therefore I don’t want to have sex feeling all icky about myself(I feel fat or whatever). It drives my fiance nuts because he thinks I’m not attracted to him when this happens, but the better I feel about myself the more I want to do it, so maybe he just needs to do something for himself to make himself more confident.

Post # 14
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hmmm…..definately seek help from a medical doctor then.  It could be a combination of new antidepressants with low testosterone.  Or just one or the other, or just another medical issue altogether. 

Don’t put yourself down.  I am sure his ego is hurt by this as well, as he feels he can’t sexual please you at this time.  Men don’t feel like men if they feel inadequate in this area.  Obviously, it is a big deal for him too, because why else would he consult his guy friends about it.  Think about it, this is a very embarrassing subject for men to admit.  So why would he even divulge that info, unless he really thinks “he” has a problem, and NOT that “you” are the problem.  Plus the added pressure doesn’t help his sexual drive or ego either. 

Seek medical help first, then go from there. 

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