Post # 62
To put another perspective in to this… I can kinda understand why he would not want to have a big wedding if both of you are having financial issues. There must be a compromise that you can make… because I don’t feel like he should have to give up everything for the wedding either.
Post # 63
Clearly there are some big financial issues going on here. It’s good you guys are talking to someone. As other posters have said, it sounds like you are making a TON of compromises and your Fiance sounds very controlling.
I don’t see why you would use his ex-FI’s diamond. Personally, I’d rather have a cheap (like $50) ring that was my own as opposed to a nicer diamond that had history to it. Plus, he said if you went with that ring, there would be more money to spend on the wedding, yet he is complaining about paying for it.
I think the bigger issue here is how he just “tells” you things. From the way you wrote it, it sounds like he just tells you what he wants and expects you to do it. From an outsider’s perspective, it doesn’t sound like there’s a lot of communication going on. If he wanted you to pay for the reception, In My Humble Opinion, he should have ASKED you. Not just told you that is what he needed.
I’m sorry, but he just sounds selfish. I know you say it’s just in this one area…BUT he knows this is so important to you and yet he is constantly changing his mind and being pretty demanding about what he wants you to pay for.
As others have said, financial issues are one of the leading causes for divorce and it sounds like you guys need to figure out your financial situation and how you will deal with issues when they come up in the future, because believe me they will! What would happen if, heaven forbid, you lost your job! I lost mine four months before our wedding and while this caused some stress on both DH and I, we worked through it together. Not saying this will ever happen to you but I would advise you to think long and hard about situations that could come up in the future.
Just because your Fiance has kids from a previous relationship and has a hobby that costs money, doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice what YOU want and you shouldn’t have to pay for everything. DH has a pretty expensive hobby too. When we met he played on two hockey teams per season, which was quite a bit of $$. However, when he started saving for an engagement ring and we started talking wedding, he made the decision to cut back to one team per season so he could afford the things he/we wanted easier.
Post # 64
Honestly though I feel like you have made sacrifices in this wedding and so should he. Just because it is not his ideal event doesnt mean he shouldnt contribute. Speeding tickets arent ideal but he still has to pay for those. I know thats not the best example, but this is a partnership and you have made sacrifices and so should he.
He’s being selfish and I would postpone the wedding untill you can make it clear to him that you have given up many things that you want and the same should apply to him. A picnic wedding??? Please.. this is your first marriage and you should have the wedding experience you have always dreamed of (but with compromises).
Post # 65
My husband also wanted a low key wedding, but knowing how important it was to me, we compromised and he made a budget I was to follow. Maybe you Fiance feels like he isn’t having any input in the wedding? Is he in charge over anything wedding specific? Wedding, Food? maybe see what compromises you can make for both to be happy.
Post # 66
There are red flags all over this thread OP. He’s showing you exactly who he is and you need to believe him!!!!!
Post # 68
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
@speechgal44: I think this is actually a really good opportunity for you two to learn how to work as a financial team. He is willing to contribute to some things, which is a really good starting point. Although some peple may advise you to call things off, I don’t think you need to do that quite yet. You two may be able to come to a good compromise yet.
FWIW, Mr. LK and I established a set amount of money that would be allocated from X account, which was shared, for the wedding. The money was already in that account, which really helped. We decided on the amount that would come from that account based on the priority level of the wedding within the big picture of our overall financial goals (e.g. buying a house shortly after the wedding, having a 6 month emergency fund, etc.). If I wanted to spend more than the amount that we jointly agreed upon, the extra money had to come from my own personal fun money account (the account that lets me get manicures, buy shoes, etc. without the guilt of spending “our” money). So that’s what we did. When I “needed” letterpress invitations, and they clearly did not fall into the budget, I paid for them from my fun money account. When I wanted to buy a crapton of accessories to make me look all purdy and stuff, it came from my fun money. Etc. The system really worked for us, and we actually ended up only spending 60% of the allocated money from account X because I absorbed the rest of the costs via my fun money account. Mr. LK was very happy that we kept 40% of the allocated money in the account, and that 40% actually gave us an extra month of emergency fund money.
Post # 69
@lovekiss: Thank you for this! That’s kind of what I had in mind for us but couldn’t put into words. I do feel like the fact that he is going to counseling and paying for part of it is a really good sign as well as the fact that he is willing to pay for part of the wedding. I just feel like we have a hard time with the logistics of sitting down and plannning things out in advance because we are both so used to just doing what we want with money. I think the combining of finances is the hardest part of marriage for sure!
Post # 70
>>> Like I said, he is generous with his money in all other areas, but the wedding thing is the main issue.
But the wedding is about MARRYING you, that is a red flag IMO. I am not trying to be cruel , but actions speak louder than words.
He also flat out lied about his tax return, that is HUGE.
Post # 71
I’m probably in the minority when I say this, but the only real issue I see with this is the miscommunication. About finances, and about the wedding itself. The two of you need to sit down, which you’ve already started doing, and clearly determine what you’d like to do and what you don’t. I don’t get the feeling that he’s controlling you. We are only getting your POV which could give that sense, but if paying for the wedding is the only real hitch (no pun intended) in this, then you two need to have a real talk about what you want, what you don’t want, and why.
I feel like he’s flipflopping in his opinion on the wedding (NOT the marriage) because he’s torn that he’s in that been there, done that stage, and you are excited because it’s your first. I think that if you let him know why it’s important to you, and you get yo hear why he’s reacting the way he is, it will go a long way to determining a satisfactory outcome.
Glad to hear that he’s starting to contribute more to your (plural!) wedding.
Hope that helps.
Post # 72
@speechgal44: If you guys are fighting for money already and are already in counseling, this is not a good sign. Money issues can truly destroy a marriage. He sounds like he does not care at all about this wedding, and as if it is only you getting married here, not the two of you. I would call it off and tell him to go to hell.
Post # 73
@lauraq123: Thank you! We’ve really spent a lot of time talking about it over the past couple of days. I think he panics about money and then says things without really thinking them through.
Post # 74
@aleksandra.bojeva: We are in pre-marital counseling, which we started before the money stuff came up. The minister who is doing our wedding feels it’s a good idea for all couples that he marries for just this reason. A lot of times a couple is going along thinking everything is great and then stuff pops up throughoutt he planning of the wedding. I’m hoping we can use this as a learning experience about communicating about money. 🙂
Post # 75
I would definitely hold off until you two figure something out. Although we can only know so much by reading your post, I don’t think it is the best idea to be going to counseling for relationship problems while planning a wedding (unless of course you are going to pre-marital counseling because your church requires it or something like that). If you marry him and make more money than him but you aren’t sure if money problems might cause a divorce, I see that as a big red flag.