Post # 1
My Fiance proposed to me on Monday after dating 4 years throughout college. It was not much of a surprise as I knew he was planning to do it before he left for Law School and this was one of the few times I was seeing him before then. Before he came out he got into several arguements with his parents after telling them that he planned to propose to me. His father forbade him from stepping foot into a jewlery store and his parents threw out whatever reason they could to try and convince him not to. They wanted him to wait until after his first year of law school was done, as they figured it would add too much stress to him( rather they wanted us to get married around the time of him taking the bar and trying to prove himself to a firm, a much less stressful time obviously). My Fiance and I have always spoken about having a 1.5-2 year proposal as I didn’t want it to be rushed, and since I am currently finishing up my masters degree and will be heading out on fieldwork in the spring and starting work next summer/fall to be able to put the proper energy into getting that accomplished. My Future Father-In-Law threatened to cut my Fiance off and that he would have to repay his parents for the money they put into him going to college since he now is just ” throwing his life away”. These conversations before the proposal were very upsetting to my Fiance and I, but we still decided that we wanted to stick to our plan and do what made us happy and that it was likely in a year his parents would do something similar.
My Fiance flew home Tuesday from visiting me and told his parents that night that he proposed. His father then started to demand that he no longer go to the Law School that he is planning on attending in August and intead staying at the local school to get his law degree. They told him how selfish and childish he was to do this and how none of his siblings would have done this and gone against their advice ( he is the youngest of 5). His mother texted me yesterday saying that my Fiance was not to be involved in a single wedding plan until 7/1/2017 and that we are in a holding pattern until then. Yesterday, he spent the time calling up all of his siblings to share his excitement and while all of his siblings said they were excited and acted it, apperently some of them called up his mother last night and complained. His sister got engaged a month ago out of the blue to everyone after dating a guy since October, she feels very hurt about this eventhough my Fiance explained that he has been saving up for a ring for the past year and had always planned to propose to me this summer.
My family as well as my Fiance extended family are all very excited and happy for us, but how my Fiance family is acting has been really upsetting for me and difficult. I am suppose to go out to visit them in 10 days, but do not really feel welcomed by them. They state that they do not know me well enough ( we dated for 4 years of college with them coming into town twice a month and they never included me unless my Fiance asked, so I kind of feel like they missed the boat on that one), and I just do not feel included into their family. Yesterday was my birthday and despite his mother texting me about how no wedding planning can be done, she did not wish me a happy birthday, nor did his father who I wished a happy birthday ( we share the same birthday and it has been a source of conflict over the years, so they were aware it was my birthday and not just a simple case of forgetting).
I understand that they want him to do well and be successful, but do so I. For what it is worth I will be the one living with him and having a family with him, why would I want him to fail? I am also really tired of all of this being about his success and that we need to coddle and baby him so he can be successful. If the only way for him to do well in law school is to have no distractions and be able to focus on it 100% we are going to have bigger problems down the line when he is working and having a family. I also feel hurt that me being successful doesn’t seem to matter to them. I am in an accelerated 5 years master program, graduated with honors and need to finish up my last semester of classes before heading out on fieldwork in the spring. Why doesn’t what would make me less stressed and allow me to be successful count or matter?
Sorry for rambling/venting, I realize that this post went on for much longer than I intended. I guess I am just having a hard time feeling happy and excited over being engaged and getting married when his family is being so negative and ugly.
Post # 2
It sounds like they are paying for his law school- or did I interpret that wrong? If they are supporting him financially in any respect I think they have a right to express concern. If you are both financially independent then it’s none of their business and I would just send them an invitation to the wedding. It’s up to them if they want to come.
Post # 3
It sucks that they’re not being supportive and that they’re using money to try to control him. They can’t get back what they’ve already paid for his schooling, but if they’r still paying, it is within their rights to say “here are the circumstances we’re willing to pay for.” If your fiance chooses other circumstances he needs to be prepared to pay for his own education. Congratulations! I’m glad your family is excited with you.
Post # 4
As a parent, I understand their concern.
Post # 5
I am sorry. I really have no words of advice. I think you’re doing everything right in being warm and civil to them despite this yet staying out of it. Good luck!
Post # 6
Wow they’re being such asses! I think you need to go visit and win them over and convince them that you care very much about his success as well and you will support him 100%. Also remind them of your own ambitions and that life does not stop for a wedding, and success and marriage are not mutually exclusive. They should be proud of their son for being committed instead of just chaising tail like most guys his age. Wouldn’t that be more distracting? I would firmly but sweetly tell them that their love and support would mean the world to you because you all will be family. Tell them that you will not give up on your quest to win them over and support the marriage, but you will not give up on your commitment to their son either.
Most of all, tread lightly, seek to mend and point out the middle ground. Do not dig your heels in like they are doing- help them come around and see that this is a good thing. This is precarious because they’re cleary shelling out big bucks for law school But obviously you don’t want that education wasted either- so again, middle ground. If you handle this poorly it could snowball into war ! And estrangement. It could end up well fine we’ll pay for everything ourselves and cut you out of our lives. You don’t want that! Good luck bee.
ETA: they are also well with in their rights to say well once he’s married were not paying for squat. To which you say, no problem. We are adults and will take care of it. Or you comprimise and marry 2017, and save yourselves XX,XXX$ in tuition loans.
Post # 7
If they are paying for his schooling (which it sounds like they are), then they get a say, as it does affect them. It sounds like you knew that they didn’t want you to get engaged, but did it anyway, so I’m not really sure what you expect? You are adults, and get to make your own decisions, but then you also have to accept that some of those decision have consequences, like upsetting his family. It’s unfortunate, but it is what it is.
Post # 8
Sorry, perhaps I should have phrased that better. My Fiance has pretty much been financially independent since high school. His parents required him to go to a private school and he was the one to pay the bill. Through undergrad he had scholarships and took out loans and his parents paid for what would be equivilent to less than a semester of tuition. For law school again, he is paying what he can and taking out loans for the rest. His parents offered to pay his rent for the first few months as they did not want him working during that time, but all other expenses were his responsibility.
Post # 9
I don’t think you realize just how much of a distraction this wedding will be for both of you. Better to finish school and get settled first. That means wait until you have a job,
not just a degree. Right now he’s receiving support from Mom and Dad. They get a say in what he does with their money.
Post # 10
Wow! If they are not paying for his education or otherwise supporting him financially they sure do have a lot to say!! Kill them with kindness, try to respectfully ignore their edicts and negativity (they clearly aren’t functioning in the 21st century) and enjoy being engaged and planning your lives together. Last, congratulations on your masters!!
Post # 11
I guess we both feel that life goes on even when planning a wedding which is why we wanted two years to plan it. After he graduates and is working at a law firm he will be trying to prove himself and spending a lot of time with that. The second year of our engagement I will be working, and wanting to spend more time on getting use to my new job and working with my patients without be overly stressed by wedding planning. I don’t think there is any perfect time, except maybe if you have been at a job for years and years to plan a wedding, stuff is always going on in life and planning a wedding will always take time and add a bit of stress.
Post # 12
If you guys are going to have a happy marriage/relationship, Fiance needs to become financially independent of his parents and devote himself to you.
You can’t control his parents purse strings no matter how sweet you are at this point. Your Fiance needs to decide what he’s going to do.
By The Way – nobody can ruin your engagement besides you. I have to admit your post was long and ranty, but from what I gather, parents control the purse strings (either a little or a lot), therefore they have the right to yank money whenever they please – and you/FI cannot be upset about it. They do not have a right to tell him how to plan his wedding at all unless he is a minor child.
You have a few options here.
*Fi steps up and pays his own bills (or you get married and do it together), likely alienating his parents.
*You do nothing and stay in this state of whining for the next 2-3 years
*You marry someone who is less dependent on their parents
Edit: How do your parents “make” you attend a private school? I assume he was an adult when he signed his loans, so really, anything he owes there is on him. Don’t blame his parents for that.
Post # 13
So, basically, your Fiance is supporting himself with very little help from mom and dad but they still feel like they should dictate what he does? Oh hell no. Be nice and courteous to them the next time you visit but other than that, they have no right to insert their opinions on ANYTHING he does, really. How obnoxious!
Post # 14
OP already said her Fiance is mostly financially independent with his parents chipping in very little.
Post # 15
Ok, I seriously missed that. Woops!
In that case, hell no. He needs to break off.