(Closed) FI family ruining engagement excitement (rant)

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
8021 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

It sounds like they are paying for his law school- or did I interpret that wrong? If they are supporting him financially in any respect I think they have a right to express concern. If you are both financially independent then it’s none of their business and I would just send them an invitation to the wedding. It’s up to them if they want to come.

Post # 3
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
kaygee71:  It sucks that they’re not being supportive and that they’re using money to try to control him. They can’t get back what they’ve already paid for his schooling, but if they’r still paying, it is within their rights to say “here are the circumstances we’re willing to pay for.” If your fiance chooses other circumstances he needs to be prepared to pay for his own education. Congratulations! I’m glad your family is excited with you.

Post # 4
Member
2848 posts
Sugar bee

 

As a parent, I understand their concern.

Post # 5
Member
1257 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I am sorry. I really have no words of advice. I think you’re doing everything right in being warm and civil to them despite this yet staying out of it. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Wow they’re being such asses! I think you need to go visit and win them over and convince them that you care very much about his success as well and you will support him 100%. Also remind them of your own ambitions and that life does not stop for a wedding, and success and marriage are not mutually exclusive. They should be proud of their son for being committed instead of just chaising tail like most guys his age. Wouldn’t that be more distracting?  I would firmly but sweetly tell them that their love and support would mean the world to you because you all will be family. Tell them that you will not give up on your quest to win them over and support the marriage, but you will not give up on your commitment to their son either.

Most of all, tread lightly, seek to mend and point out the middle ground. Do not dig your heels in like they are doing- help them come around and see that this is a good thing. This is precarious because they’re cleary shelling out big bucks for law school But obviously you don’t want that education wasted either- so again, middle ground. If you handle this poorly it could snowball into war ! And estrangement. It could end up well fine we’ll pay for everything ourselves and cut you out of our lives. You don’t want that! Good luck bee.

ETA: they are also well with in their rights to say well once he’s married were not paying for squat. To which you say, no problem. We are adults and will take care of it. Or you comprimise and marry 2017, and save yourselves XX,XXX$ in tuition loans.

Post # 7
Member
4323 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If they are paying for his schooling (which it sounds like they are), then they get a say, as it does affect them. It sounds like you knew that they didn’t want you to get engaged, but did it anyway, so I’m not really sure what you expect? You are adults, and get to make your own decisions, but then you also have to accept that some of those decision have consequences, like upsetting his family. It’s unfortunate, but it is what it is.

Post # 9
Member
5187 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

View original reply
kaygee71:  I don’t think you realize just how much of a distraction this wedding will be for both of you. Better to finish school and get settled first. That means wait until you have a job, not just a degree. Right now he’s receiving support from Mom and Dad. They get a say in what he does with their money.

Post # 10
Member
7806 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Wow! If they are not paying for his education or otherwise supporting him financially they sure do have a lot to say!! Kill them with kindness, try to respectfully ignore their edicts and negativity (they clearly aren’t functioning in the 21st century) and enjoy being engaged and planning your lives together. Last, congratulations on your masters!!

Post # 12
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

If you guys are going to have a happy marriage/relationship, Fiance needs to become financially independent of his parents and devote himself to you.  

You can’t control his parents purse strings no matter how sweet you are at this point.  Your Fiance needs to decide what he’s going to do.

By The Way – nobody can ruin your engagement besides you.  I have to admit your post was long and ranty, but from what I gather, parents control the purse strings (either a little or a lot), therefore they have the right to yank money whenever they please – and you/FI cannot be upset about it.  They do not have a right to tell him how to plan his wedding at all unless he is a minor child.

You have a few options here.

*Fi steps up and pays his own bills (or you get married and do it together), likely alienating his parents.

*You do nothing and stay in this state of whining for the next 2-3 years

*You marry someone who is less dependent on their parents

 

 Edit:  How do your parents “make” you attend a private school?  I assume he was an adult when he signed his loans, so really, anything he owes there is on him.  Don’t blame his parents for that.  

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  doglover89.
Post # 13
Member
770 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

View original reply
kaygee71:  So, basically, your Fiance is supporting himself with very little help from mom and dad but they still feel like they should dictate what he does? Oh hell no. Be nice and courteous to them the next time you visit but other than that, they have no right to insert their opinions on ANYTHING he does, really. How obnoxious!

Post # 14
Member
770 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

View original reply
doglover89:  OP already said her Fiance is mostly financially independent with his parents chipping in very little. 

Post # 15
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
kmark2688:  Ok, I seriously missed that.  Woops!

In that case, hell no.  He needs to break off.

The topic ‘FI family ruining engagement excitement (rant)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors