- 8 years ago
It was a rough weekend for my Fiance and me.
This may seem silly for an adult, but I write in a journal. I have since I was a teenager and it is very therapeutic to me. I am a very introverted person, and my Fiance and I have recently moved to a new area and I don’t really have any friends to talk to, so I write out my thoughts.
I have to go back a few years to clarify…
I have an ex-boyfriend who I still think about often. We dated in high school for 2 years and he broke my heart. Over the years our paths have crossed a few times and it was nice to chat and catch up, because he really was my best friend for the short time that we were together.
When Fiance and I had been together for 2 years (we were not yet engaged), I saw ex-bf and we ended up kissing. I was 19 years old and immature, and terrified of losing Fiance over a kiss that meant absolutely nothing. So I never told him that it happened. Ex-bf knew how much Fiance meant to me and the next day called me and apologized profusely for the kiss.
That was 3 years ago. Last November ex-bf sent me a message on Facebook telling me that he was sorry for everything…for the kiss, and for hurting me in high school. The next month Fiance proposed, and I graduated from college. I have not been able to find a job since I graduated, and being home every day is driving me crazy. I don’t have any close friends where we live, Fiance travels 2 weeks a month for work, and I am alone all. the. time.
Over the past few months, ex-bf and I started talking a lot. He was just a great person to have a conversation with and I guess I liked the attention. That is all it was though…he would really be a great friend if Fiance didn’t care. But Fiance hated him in high school (for breaking my heart) and would absolutely not take it well if I just randomly wanted to be friends with my ex again. And I get that.
Going back to the fact that I write in a journal: I have written many things about ex-bf. Whenever I would see him (which was really about 4 times in the last 5 years), different things would cross my mind, such as “what if things had worked out between us?” These are things that I could never tell anyone, which is why I wrote them privately. Thoughts like that are so fleeting and I don’t actually WISH that ex-bf and I had stayed together at all. Ex-bf is just a subject that I can’t talk about with anyone…especially FI…so that is why I had to get those thoughts out somehow and come to my senses. I did that through writing.
Anyway, this weekend Fiance found and read my journal. The “journal” was a file on a flash drive. It’s not something that I was really hiding from him, he just never asked about it but he knows that I write. I was so tired a few nights ago and went to bed with the flash drive still in the computer. He took it very, very badly. He was very hurt. He initially took my engagement ring, but he did give it back. He made me delete ex-bf from Facebook, and made me delete my “journal.”
I hate myself so much for deceiving him. I feel like a lot of the interaction with ex-bf was harmless, but I can’t say it was completely because I liked the attention and flirtation. And of course there was the kiss.
I think Fiance and I are going to be okay, I guess he is a much better person than I am. If he had only found out the actions—such as the kiss, talking to ex-bf, seeing him a few times—I don’t think it would be as bad. But he got to read my THOUGHTS. Things that I don’t even WANT to think, but that it just helps to write out and get it out of my system. It’s so hard to explain myself after he got to read so many of my intimate thoughts.
I am just incredibly ashamed, humiliated, and mortified, but so thankful that Fiance is willing to move past this.