(Closed) FI found out I’ve kept in touch with my ex, didn’t take it well [LONG, sorry]

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Hmmm…your Fiance read your journal, took your e-ring, and forced you to delete your friend and your journal?!  I see a lot of red flags.  When the initial dust blows over, you may want to think about whether those things are acceptable to you in a partner.  I’m sorry that this is happening to you right now!  

Post # 4
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Don’t feel so bad. Its normal to have thoughts, and question ” what if”. At least I think it is normal. While I think your fiance has reason to be upset, and feel insecure at the moment, I don’t feel like he should have read your journal. That is the most private thing a person can own. I just don’t agree with that.

Hang in there, don’t be so hard on yourself. Know that it is normal to have feelings, and wonder, and you seem to really care deeply for your fiance.

Post # 5
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

I know how this works, and I know how you must be feeling. But something you should always keep in mind, if you once “loved” a person, and they once broke your heart, you should never want to be friends with them. The human mind is a very tricky thing, and sometimes we decieve ourselves into thinking that our actions are harmless, but there’s always an underlying cause behind everything that we do. 

If you value your relationship with your Fiance, and you truly believe you have a good man, I would avoid putting yourself into situations like this again. Coming from an introvert, to another introvert, I know how hard it is to find and make new friends. But that doesn’t mean that we have to fling ourselves into the past because we seek comfort in the familair. 

That being said, I’m sure your ex knows how your Fiance feels about him, and hes not so much a friend for putting you into a situation that could potentionally harm your Fiance.

So pretty much, I would suggest no longer beating yourself up over this if you have no intention to repeat the same actions, and you respect and cherish the Fiance you currently have. Move forward with the things you do have.

 

Hope things work out for you 🙂 

Post # 6
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am so sorry love! I would feel violated personally. I think you should have every right to keep a journal of your feelings. The stuff you describe wth your ex raises concerns only because you admit you like the attention, but if you truly feel you like conversing with him only for the friendship, then I see no harm. Regardless, I am so glad you guys are moving forward. I wish you the best!

Post # 7
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m sorry but it does not sound like you respected the boundries of your relationship. You had it coming.

First you cannot be trusted with him, least I wouldn’t trust you in the least on that notion. Ex-bf needs to disappear from your life. Absolutely NO contact. Until you make that promise to yourself and to Fiance you don’t have much a hope moving forward.

After he’s deleted from your life you can start rebuilding your trust in the relationship. And for that you’ll both probably need some counselling.

Post # 8
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee

I’m seeing tons of red flags here.

Post # 9
Member
7299 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would be pissed if Mr. Tattoo read my journal! For a while I missed certain things about my ex and wrote about them. I didn’t miss HIM, I just missed things about him. If Mr. Tattoo read that and took it the wrong way, I would be pissed. Those are my private thoughts. It’s not like I’m going to track my ex down and tell him these things. 

Your Fiance acted rashly for something not that serious. I would want to get to know him a little better before getting married because these could be red flags for something much worse in the future. 

However, you are playing with fire with actually talking to your ex and having these feelings. You are out of high school now and maturing. He is turning into another person basically. You like the attention he is giving you. You are going to put yourself in a dangerous situation if you continue to go on like this. You need to delete him from your life and focus on your current relationship. 

Post # 10
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

@socalmeli: I don’t necessarily think these things indicate “red-flags” about OP’s fiance. I’m pretty sure most men AND women would be upset in this situation, especially since its a situation involving an ex they don’t like. OP’s Fiance was obviously hurt and felt betrayed that instead of confiding in him, she had to seek out a journal (which theres nothing wrong with) AND seek comfort in a friend who just so happens to be her ex who broke her heart. 

 

Post # 11
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Happening to HER? Red flags? No offense, but the red flags I see are her behavior!

Anonymous, I’m glad you realize how serious this is. Obviously everything that was going on wasn’t innocent, because you were hiding it from him. He has every right to be angry, upset, hurt–and to express those feelings–it sounds like you get that. I hope you guys are able to work it out. It will take a lot of patient to rebuild that trust. And, obviously, I strongly suggest you cut-off communication with your ex-boyfriend. I think it would be extremely unhealthy to your current relationship after everything that’s happened.

Post # 12
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I mean, obviously the OP messed up.  She acknowledges it and I agree that she needs to cut him out of her life to salvage her relationship.  At the same time, people are allowed to have thoughts.  And keep journals.  And wonder ‘what would have happened’.  I just imagined her Fiance demanding the ring from her and forcing her to delete her journal, and that didn’t sit well with me.  I think that it’s disrespectful and kind of scary to do before talking things over.

Post # 13
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

To me as an outside observer, it sounds like you are either:

A) Not over your ex and struggling with coming to terms with those feelings. I have remained friends with a couple exes, but I don’t kiss them, or think about them to the extend that I’m writing journal entries about them.

B) You are over your ex, but you’re facing doubts about your current relationship which leads you to wonder “what if” with someone else. Like an escape from your current situation.

Either way, until you can be honest with yourself and your partner, not much will change. Everyone is entitled to their private thoughts but if those private thoughts were “Ex Files” I would probably write it down and burn it after, not have it on a shared computer. So lesson learned there.

Seeing problems on both sides here… I hope it works out for you.

Post # 14
Member
4410 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I cannot believe he made you delete your journal.  That’s just wrong.  A journal is completely personal–a place where you are supposed to be safe to write anything you feel and think without worrying about someone reading it and judging you. 

I would be furious if Darling Husband read my journal. I share all kinds of things with him, but my journal is completely self-serving and not for his eyes. 

In the movie ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’, at the end of the movie Colin Firth reads a part of her diary that says some awful things about him. She thinks he left because of what she wrote, and races after him and explains that ‘everyone knows diaries are just full of rubbish’ (or something like that) and he says ‘I know. That’s why I went out to get you a new one.’ 

Journals/diaries are full of rubbish. But it’s your rubbish and he shouldn’t have made you delete it. 

Post # 15
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Here is my advice to you:

It is normal to see old flames and wonder “what if”.  It is not respectful to your SO to do anything but wonder.  

Writing is theraputic.  But I suggest you don’t save it.  As you have found out, it can come back and bite you in the butt.  Write it then delete it.  

It is wise not to be doing anything that you need to hide/keep from your SO. Contacting people and/or writing in journals included. You two share a home and anything and everything should be out in the open.  No one wants to be surprised with anything that could be unpleasant.

Post # 16
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Loribeth: totally agree.

talking to your ex and being emotionally involved was your bad…. but your fi didnt act so great either. there are better ways to handle things that just ‘erasing them’

The topic ‘FI found out I’ve kept in touch with my ex, didn’t take it well [LONG, sorry]’ is closed to new replies.

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