(Closed) FI got a lap dance.. Am I Overreacting??

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
2190 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

You need to let it go. Don’t replay it over and over in your head. It happened, it’s done. Resentment just harms the relationship. He’s marrying you. Coming home to you. Loves you. And he was open and honest about it and didn’t try to hide anything. He sounds like a good guy. Don’t let this taint your upcoming marriage. 

Post # 3
1164 posts
Bumble bee

bethanyyf:  I haven’t been through this, but I have told my Fiance that he’s allowed to go to a strip club on his stag if his best man plans one but that I think getting a lap dance crosses a line (that is just where my line happens to be) and I know I will be incredibly cross/upset if he does get a lap dance… so basically my point is that I think your feelings on this are completely justified, especially as you’d discussed it beforehand.

Post # 4
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

bethanyyf:  That would bother me too, especially because you DID tell him you didn’t want him to get a lap dance. I have the same parameters for FI’s bachelor party – I know his brother is going to want to go to a strip club or something like that, but I think touching of any kind crosses a line.<br />

What I don’t get is why your Fiance didn’t think you would care when you specifically told him you would. 

I mean, you probably will just need to get over it, but you should make sure he understands that you feel hurt, disrespected and a little betrayed. I certainly don’t think it’s worth questioning the future of your relationship over, but I do understand your feelings. He should at least be very apologetic!

Post # 5
6005 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

bethanyyf:  Personally I don’t get the whole “going out and having a raunchy night” kind of thing. Male or female. I’m older, but even when I was younger I didn’t understand it. Like it’s a green light to be raunchy for “one last time”. Of course that has nothing to do with how you’re feeling, but I thought I’d put it out there. I wouldn’t say he was super honest with you, though, because you told him BEFORE he went that you wouldn’t want him to have the lap dance. And you didn’t find out that he disrespected your wishes til quite a bit AFTER. Not that I think he’s going to be a cheater or anything, but that wasn’t very nice.

Post # 6
323 posts
Helper bee

I can’t really add anything except WHY do brides and grooms continue this ridiculous tradition when it causes so much heartache? I don’t care about being the ‘cool girlfriend’, and in no other circumstance would I be happy for my Fiance to ogle another womans naked body in the flesh or for him to become aroused at another womans touch, why the hell is it ok for him to then PAY for that just before we become man and wife? I have zero problem with him watching porn(within reason)but he knows me well enough to know that lap dances and strip clubs would be a complete no-go, you should have made your boundaries clear to your Fiance beforehand, but you will get over it, he didn’t cheat, but still the thought of your partner who you’re about to marry being turned on by another woman can’t be nice, ever. I’m sure you’ll get the usual responses about overreacting etc, but I don’t believe for a second that ANY woman likes the idea of her partner getting a lap dance.

Post # 7
1732 posts
Bumble bee

bethanyyf:  Oh c’mon! It was his bachelor party! He didn’t fuck her, he doesn’t even know this girl’s real name! You already knew that he would seeing butt-naked girls gyrating all over the place at the strip club, and you were fine with it. His friends probably “surprised” him with the lap dance anyway. It sounds like it’ll be a one time thing now that you’ve cracked the whip, so just RELAX…

Post # 8
8881 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

let it go.  it really isn’t a big deal at all. 

Post # 10
2848 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014


RedHeadKel:  I am also a little older and have never understood this particular tradition.  I would be devistated if my husband had done this….

Post # 11
2347 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

bethanyyf:  You’ve already said it yourself so I don’t need to berate you and say, “GET OVER IT!!” but eventually, you will. 

You’re completely valid in feeling shitty about it!  I would too!  No one wants to imagine their SO being entertained or made to be aroused by anyone other than them.  Hell, I even get upset when Fiance “likes” or “comments” on a figure competitor’s photo on facebook (he’s really into fitness and WHY do these girls have to post nearly naked photos of themselves on social media!??!)

When things like that get under my skin, I try and think about it from my OWN perspective.  For instance, if YOU were on the receiving end of a lap dance, wouldn’t it be kind of meaningless and comical?  Granted, most male strippers are gay.  I try and think of it that way and I realize it’s really not that big a deal.  It helps in getting over it.  

Post # 12
8695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would try and let it go. You said you aren’t jealous or insecure. The only slight issue I see is that you told him no lap dances and he got one anyway. However, he’s a grown man and will do what he wants so you may lose that argument….

Post # 13
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

If my fiance did this, there would be no moving on, primarily because he TOLD you that he would not accept a lap dance from a stripper. So telling you one thing and doing the opposite thing is a major problem and would be a dealbreaker for me. 

My personal opinion is that men who are willing to exploit and objectify women for money do not respect females in general, much less you, since he agreed not to do it and then did it anyway. I get that the prevailing attitude is “boys will be boys,” but I say, screw that. A man who loves and respects you, and a man who has an ounce of respect for females, will not accept a stranger shoving her titties in his face. Sorry.

I don’t think you are overreacting. If it’s bothering you, your concerns are valid and you need to have a Come to Jesus meeting with him about promising you he will not engage in a certain behavior, and then doing it anyway. And you also need to think about whether you want to be married to a man who is willing to exploit women’s bodies.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  coachhw.
Post # 14
1095 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

bethanyyf:  I’m sorry you are having these feelings. I wouldn’t even worry about it hun. You are getting married to the man of your dreams soon. He will be with only you-forever! The more and more you think about it, its going to haunt you. Just let this slide, in the end it will be better for your realtionship. Don’t think any less of him though, he probably was in the moment and wasn’t thinking too much into it. I know you guys talked about it briefly but nothing too into detail, so I wouldn’t let it bother you. It was literally probably 2 mins if that! and its not like he touched her places etc. Don’t be jealous that she took his time and that he may or may not have gotten aroused. The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter. You are secure in your realtionship right? So just move on.

Post # 15
628 posts
Busy bee

bethanyyf:  You made your boundaries known and he didn’t respect them. I’d be angry too. Whether or not others agree with your boundaries or would have an issue with the same behaviour from their partner is not the question. Every relationship is different and it’s about what you are comfortable with, not how others manage the same issue. 

I guess at this point all you can do is talk to him and ensure that it doesn’t happen again. Some women would consider what he did cheating and others wouldn’t care at all. You need to decide how you want to approach it and what you can live with. 

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