(Closed) FI got mad at me for calling him a dumba$$ when he was acting like a dumba$$

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

He sounds like an immature teenager, to be honest. 

Whether or not he THOUGHT it was a good idea is really irrelevant here because something bad happened. It might be a little different if you were still mad at him for being dumb when nothing went wrong. 

Not sure how to resolve this if he’s going to be that stubborn. I guess you’ll have to wait until he’s done with his computer game. 

Post # 3
Member
3708 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I had to go back and reread where you said your Fiance is 26 because his behavior sounds like something a 19 year old frat boy would do. I’d be pissed too. I don’t think you’re out of line at all.

Post # 4
Member
1942 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
FutureMrsJohnson_:  Your Fiance sounds like a teenage boy, and acts like one too. But it was his mom’s house. If they want to wreck it, you told them to stop and they didn’t. At that point it is out of your hands! If his mother is going to get mad at you, then what the hell were you supposed to do, physically force them to stop? She’ll get over it!

You did go overboard I will say…. I’d understand if it was your house “by all means, crack the whip!” but did it honestly do any good to continue yelling at them to stop? Now your Fiance is mad at you and apparently so is your Future Brother-In-Law. 

I would’ve personally let them wreck the house. They’ll be the ones facing the consequences anyway…. 

PS. I hope you are ready for this sort of behavior to continue…. if he hasn’t grown up by 26…. sorry dear but I don’t think he ever will. (I married a child too, but mine respects other people’s property)

Post # 5
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

S.O does some pretty stupid things, especially when under the influence of alcohol. But that’s never surprising to me because, for one thing, he’s in college. He’s also 21, so I feel as though it comes with the territory (within reason). 

Do I think you had a right to be angry that they couldn’t see the obvious issue with what they were doing? Heck yes. 

However, do I think that it was neccessary (or even helpful to the problem) to call them both insulting names? Not so much. 

But I understand that, when angry, we say things. However, when I’m angry, I don’t say anything unless I think about it for a good three seconds and think: Will this help the situation? Is this the only way I can express this? Will this make it worse? 

I think you should tell the Fiance that you are sorry for calling him an idiot, and that you said it because you were angry. But also mention that, as an adult (and he’s one, based on his age) we have to consider what might be fun might also end in trouble, and we shouldn’t do those things. Just try and sit him down and say that it put you in an uncomfortable position, because his mother would blame YOU, and that is not fair. 

Post # 6
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

So much wrong with this! Why is his mother holding you responsible for his choices? I don’t condone name calling but I can’t tell you that you were wrong in your assessment either:-) 

Post # 7
Member
8291 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Your Fiance acts like a teenage boy. So much so I had to go back and read how old he was because I was going to assume 18 and even that was pushing it. And his mother would be mad at you for something HE did? That makes no sense whatsoever. He is a grown ass man who can make his own decisions. If she acts that way towards you I’m going to strongly assume that is part of where your Fiance gets his kiddy behavior from. I don’t understand how someone could seriously think that something HE did was your fault in any way shape or form. I would tell him he needs to grow up and start acting like an adult. I understand he was drunk but you say he and his brother make these kind of decisions often. Either he grows up or I’d get out. 

I don’t think name calling is ever a good idea. You just can’t take words back. But I must also add he was being a dumbass and it sounds like you tried to handle it better and told him to stop and move it outside time and time again. By that point I’m sure the most patient of people would have lost their patience.

Post # 8
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee

Your Fiance is behaving like a petulant child. He can set aside his video game for 10 minutes to work out a fight that left you two barely speaking to each other.

When you do finally have the chance to talk to him, try to get him to understand why you got so worked up–you didn’t want drama with your in-laws, or god forbid a trip to the hospital. Those aren’t unreasonable. Apologize for the name calling but be upfront about how his (and his brother’s) behavior was selfish and dangerous. I personally don’t think I could put up with that kind of crap from someone in their mid twenties, but the next time a situation like that arises (playing drunken Tarzan in his parents house, what the hell were they thinking?) just leave. Disengage and walk out the door. If something is damaged (which it is now and will be again) you can tell your in-laws to send any invoices for repairs and replacements to Fiance. 

Post # 11
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee

So, to me it sounds like he is really immature. First, they were making a bad decision by acting that way. Second, he sounds like rather than just saying “you’re right, that was stupid”, he’s trying to tell you it wasn’t and avoid taking responsibility for his actions, while trying to guilt you for trying to get them to act responsibly.  

My DH hates “I told you so” situations, so I try not to say anything and usually he just marinates until he admits that he was wrong. I don’t know if maybe your Fiance really doesn’t have that maturity, or if he is just incredibly stubborn, but honestly this is not something I could just let rest. This is what I would say because it is how I perceive the situation and the underlying issues of that behavior.

I would calmly tell my DH something along the lines of “I understand your were having fun, but your lack of consideration for others’ possessions and spaces is something I think is unacceptable, and concerns me for how we’re going to get through things like teaching our children respect and consideration for others when you can’t even exercise control or admit when you’ve made a mistake. I’m not talking about the damage, because accidents happen, but the fact that you didn’t care that you did that willfully makes me think that we have a lot of work and issues that I didn’t realize we had before”. You may completely disagree with me as to the magnitude of this issue, we all make stupid decisions sometimes. But consideration and respect for others is one of the biggest things to me, and one of the things I absolutely hate about most of American society (not that you are American based on this post, but just something I see everywhere). You’ve already identified that and accepted it, so that suggests we differ in that respect. But he’ll have to accept the fact that you are going to hold him accountable for the decisions he makes and when he put others’ property at risk for selfish reasons, you’re going to say something. 

Post # 12
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

“Parents went away- party at my place!”  is something you say when you’re in high school, not when you’re a grown man, so this entire situation is very immature frat-boy.

Weird how his mom would come to you about it, like you’re their babysitter and you ‘let’ them run amok. At what age does she plan on making her man-children responsible for their own actions? Then in the next breath calls you ‘controlling’.

Fiance is doing you a real disservice by putting you in the position of having to act as Only Responsible Adult in these situations, then not only making this position more difficult for you but giving you flak over it.

Their drunken behaviour seems to have a risk-taking element to it (more frat-boy mentality), this is how accidental deaths can happen when drinking is involved. Or broken limbs. Or drunk driving. Or house damage. So calling a couple of guys dumbasses for acting like dumbasses is not the big problem here- their behaviour isn’t just foolish, it’s downright dangerous. Yet I see no willingness on their part to change. You did get sheepish apologies from them at least, but like schoolboys apologizing to their teacher. They need to open their eyes to the fact that their behaviour and herd mentality is not only immature but can have serious consequences.

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