(Closed) FI had cigarettes again…and lied to me about it :(

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

blondebabe818:  I still think that, unless he really loves it, he should keep an open mind and eye to a new job. My SO did management for a while, and even after he “got the hang of it”, he was still incredibly stressed. 

Post # 32
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Hawksnest Cove Beach St John USVI

TheGridMonster:  I know, right!  I swear Darling Husband just got so many “free passes” after I read that thread!  Every time I get frustrated about something I think “at least he doesn’t get HJs from Strippers”. Lol. Kidding (mostly)

Post # 33
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

blondebabe818:  I didn’t read all of the comments so if I’m repeating.. forgive me.

I wrote a post like this last week “Tobacco Lies”. My Fiance has smoked since he was 14 and is 27 now. He tries to quit over and over and over again. I know it’s so hard for him and watching him go through nicotine withdrawls is hard. I’ve seen him in tears of frustration before, trying to resist a cigarette.

My post was about him taking a pinch of chew during a concert. I was upset because when I asked him what was in his lip (knowing what it was) he lied to me and said it was nicorette. He does not chew, ever and he knows I don’t like it. So that’s why I posted.

But I got a lot of responses saying the same thing (even though they misunderstood my post) that you cannot force someone to quit. Whenever my Fiance tries to quit to he doesn’t tell anyone but me, because when people start hounding him about it, asking how long it’s been since his last smoke, going into how bad it is for you etc, it just makes him want to smoke more. Unless you’ve ever been addicted to something, you will never understand. The best thing to do is be supportive of him.

What I would say in your situation, “Baby, I’m concerned you’re smoking again. Can we talk about it? (in a calm, non-accusatory way) I know how hard this is for you, and I know how stressed out you’ve been. I understand why you started again… it’s not an easy habit to stop and you will struggle with it the rest of your life. But if you feel the need to smoke again, you can be honest with me and tell me. I am here to support you, not discipline you. Let’s talk about what’s bothering you and what made you start again…. I’ll be here to help you quit. Let’s take this one day at a time, together. If you’re feeling stressed out and need a smoke, call me and we can chat” Or my favorite, suggest sex… great stress reliever

If you come at him, yelling, upset, accusatory… it will only make him want to smoke more, and lie to you more. Be a support system, not a “disappointed girlfriend” because that’s devastating to someone trying to quit. It’s why they sneak it and hide it and lie about it. The bee’s have some great suggestions on how to quit (vaping, hypnosis, chantix, welbutrin). Help him, don’t hurt him.

Post # 34
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

 

christabel:  I would suggest NOT going to your Boyfriend or Best Friend with this information…. I can PROMISE YOU, he knows how bad it is for him. I used to smoke and everytime someone said to me “You know statistics say…” yeah, no shit. You think you’re the firs to enlighten me? Oh allelujiah! someone saved my life by telling me smoking is bad!! I’ll just toss this pack out now and never do it again.

Trust me, it made me want a cigarette more. And you’ll come off preachy and degrading. He’s not stupid.

Post # 36
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Well that’s good he knows you’re supportive. But maybe he is still uncomfortable coming to you about it. A lot of people like to quit privately, regardless of the support system there. As long as he knows he can come to you, if he chooses to. I don’t think making suggestions would be too forceful. I wouldn’t go out and buy him a goodie-bag of nicorette patches but I would say something like “If you really do want to try to quit again, I’ve heard some great things about XYZ”

Post # 37
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m afraid I will not be too much help as I would never even date someone who smoked (I am a nurse and very against it) but I see so many people responding and down playing your problem that I just had to comment. This situation has obviously upset you and it is rude for others to think you should just get over it. My advice: try not to go through his things and try to really search your own heart on if this is something you can live with or not? Best of luck to you.

Post # 39
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

ChrissyMary9515:  Hi Chrissy. I assume you’re saying this to the poster because my Fiance doesn’t smoke (thank goodness). I was just pointing out she will eventually be in a position of being a carer should her SO suffer any of the health problems caused by smoking. Being a carer is no fun and it’s something to seriously consider. Yes, anyone can get ill and you are committed to supporting them BUT you should go in with eyes wide open if your SO is participating in any behaviour which significantly increases the risk of chronic ill health. It’s not a fun life. For that reason any addiction would be a deal breaker for me

Post # 40
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Girl, I wish I had the answer for you.

I can completely identify with this.

My Fiance was a cigarette smoker when we met, which he quit after about a year together. He knew that I hated it. He had also smoked pot since he was a teenager (so for 15 years!) & 2013/2014 he got really carried away with it. 

Through therapy & accountability, he has been able to quit pot, but I know that he was an addict & that he could easily relapse. I’m no fool & I know that breaking a 15 year addiction is not that easy.

Since quitting smoking, I have occasionally caught him smelling of smoke & he will admit that he had a cigarette with the boys outside work. I pull him up on it EVERY SINGLE TIME because it is not ok & it is not the deal that we made. 

Addicts can be very convicing & unfortunately lying to their spose / families / everyone they know is not uncommon. 

I know that cigarettes are not the same as pot, but if this is an ongoing issue, you should consider getting professional help.

Good luck!

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  luxelove.
Post # 41
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

christabel:  oh yeah it was for the OP. I 100% know what you’re saying and totally agree. All I meant was as an ex smoker (and dealing with my smoker FI) if she were to go back to him and point out all if the health risks, it really doesn’t help when trying to quit. At least in my experience. I never meant anything against your comment at all! Because what you said is true sadly. 

Post # 43
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Either Philadelphia City Hall or a small chapel.

MissCountryGirl727:  I agree with all of this.

As for OP, I personally didn’t mind dating smokers…or even people who use some recreational drugs for that matter. I’ve dated people who rarely drank and those who full on took 20+ Percs as a weekend ritual. I’m not saying accept anything like that, though.

Sometimes, you just have to pick your battles, despite, if it’s not going your way. Does he love you? Is it factually destroying your relationship?  Does he treat you right? Is this is only major flaw? No..Let it rest.

Post # 45
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

blondebabe818:  Yep, he owns up every time. He knows that he can’t hide it from me because I know him & I know the signs too well now. He will also tell me that he knows that it’s a mistake & that he doesn’t want to do it. The instances these days are less and less, this makes me happy & lesa concerned. If it started increasing, we would be seekung therapy ASAP.

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