(Closed) FI had over 12 lap dances at his bachelor’s…

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

How about just finding a guy that’s completely and totally satisfied with YOU and only you… and has a little more respect for women (even strippers!) as people, and not just sexual objects?

 

Just a thought.

Post # 33
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Eh.  It’s done now.  You can either 1) keep fighting about it with it (which won’t solve anything), 2) yell at him one good time and tell him never again will this happen, or 3) ignore that it happened altogether to save the peace from here-on-out.

“He keeps saying he did not know I’d be so hurt by all of it, that he wishes he could have known beforehand.” –> Guys will ALWAYS say this.  It seems like the majority of guys would rather ask for forgiveness once the deed is done than ask your “permission” in the first place.

I don’t forgive/forget easily/ever either.  I’d pick option #2 above, make him pay for me to get a back massage and cook me a good home-cook meal, and try to enjoy the next 19 days so I don’t get big purple bags under my eyes. 

Post # 34
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1998

View original reply
@soychailatte: That’s a little judgy, eh? Just because a man goes to a strip club doesn’t mean he’s not satsfied with his woman. It’s not like he’s having sex with these girls or calling them up at night to talk about their day. There’s a certain fantasy element that I think it’s healthy to entertain. Just like with porn. I’m not going to get into a discussion of what’s ok and what’s too much because it’s different for everyone, but I think it’s healthier to acknowledge those feelings instead of bottling them up or pretending they don’t exist. If we don’t, people start to feel shameful or feel like it’s wrong that they ever even see others outside of their relationship when in reality that is totally normal.

As for OP, I think you need to set your boundaries now and forgive and forget this one. You clearly did not give him enough of a line (THIS is ok, THIS is not) and he got carried away. I wouldn’t be too upset with your friends either. They didn’t do this to hurt you. They probably didn’t even think about you at all and THAT’S OK – the night was about him, not you. Don’t take it all so personally. I would lay it on the line that from now on this is the rule you want followed and let it go. If something like this ever happens again after you’ve discussed it, then you have every right to be pissed.

Post # 35
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

First of all, do you really trust your partner?  Is it the fact that he got lap dances or the fact that you don’t trust him?  I would say that the fact that he told you is a good sign. 

Post # 36
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Just suggesting that if it’s going to become such a big issue, perhaps it’s best to completely avoid the problem. Sexual liberation is a very personal continuum, and everyone has to make the decision for themselves as a couple. For some, a sexual partner having a lapdance from someone else is no big deal and is part of a healthy sexual appetite. I understand that.

On the other hand, if a partner having a lap dance agitates someone enough that it’s hard to forgive them, it may be time to ask that partner to re-evaluate his or her boundaries or to find someone who will have respect for BOTH partner’s sexual and emotional health–even if that means no strippers.

Not meaning to judge, just being realistic that if this is a problem now, it’s not likely that things will be different in 20 years. Reconciling the sexual and emotional needs of two people in an intimate relationship can be pretty tricky business.

Post # 37
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

View original reply
@soychailatte:  I agree with what you just said, but frankly was taken aback at your first comment too.   I hope your Fiance or husband is so enlightened, but comments like your first are not helpful to the OP…

Post # 38
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1998

View original reply
@soychailatte: I get what you’re saying. I think it would apply more if this were a habitual problem – like he’s out getting lap dances every Wednesday and twice on Sundays (and you know that Sunday crew is 3rd string at best!) and was doing it regardless of her being upset about it. However, unless I’m mistaken, it sounds like it was a one shot deal. Bachelor parties are special occasions and it seems like he was under the impression that he had permission for this and she was under the impression that it was going to be a little tamer than it turned out. I’d say a mistake like this, which is more due to miscommunication than anything else, is hardly grounds for calling off the relationship. If he didn’t respect her he probably never would have told her what happened. Does that make sense?

Post # 39
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I totally agree with Adeline on this one.

I get that you’re hurt and upset and it does seem a little excessive but it was a Bachelor Party and I’m assuming a one-time thing. I would be concerned if he was going to the strippers every Monday and Friday and getting lap-dances but as it seems to have just been a one-time thing (unless I read it wrong) and that his friends probably just got a little carried away I would not be too worried about it. 

If I were in your shoes I’d definitely feel a little hurt. I don’t think you have to justify that. I just think that you had a discussion and he thought you were okay with the whole strip club idea so didn’t even think too much about it. I think it’s good that he told you so you guys can talk and move past it.

Fiance just got home from his bachelor weekend yesterday. Thank goodness he and his friends don’t like the strip club or i’d probably be feeling the same way you are.

 

Post # 40
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

And just to clarify some more: I never gave him permission to do anything.  I just said “no contact dance, no private dance in the back or I’ll cancel the wedding”.  That is what I said and it was clearly not enough.

 

There’s your problem.  Why would you give such an ultimatum like that?  It’s really immature and shows some insecurity on your part.

I guess im in the minority, but i understand that when a guy has his bachelor party and a strip club—it is likely he will be getting A LOT of ‘attention’.  If you don’t like it, you should of objected to him going to the strip club.  You cannot tell him ‘you can do this, but you can’t do that.’  he is with his friends and they were likely in control of the situation.  It isn’t just about a naked girl grinding on him–you are looking at this too emotionally.

 

 and what is with the ‘i’ll cancel the wedding’ ultimatum?  if i said that to my Fiance, i’d be the one having to apologize.  that is so hurtful and extremely controlling.

Post # 41
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I am going to focus on the fact that the OP simply asked for advice on how to get over this quickly.

You have to remember that what is done is done. He can not take it back. Focus on the fact that he came home to you. That he gave you that ring and that in a couple short weeks you will be husband and wife. I know it has got to be hard, because I am not a fan of strip clubs at all and I too would be shocked at the sheer number. Take some relief in the fact that he doesn’t remember when you ask him some questions, therefore he quite possibly doesn’t remember them. Someone stated above that it is possible that there weren’t 12 different girls giving him lap dances. I bet she is correct. I wouldn’t imagine 12 different ladies giving him a lap dance. It could be that two or three girls gave him multiple lap dances. Regardless of the specifc details, it is over with. It will not happen again. He is now aware of how you feel and will most likely know better in the future. Try not to let this cast a shadow over your exciting time ahead. In a few years, you might look back and laugh. I am not saying this is a silly matter by any means, I am simply stating that in the big sceme of things, life is too short to focus on the things that are making you unhappy. I recently had to realize this as well. Enjoy your time together.

I wish you the best. Feel free to PM if you need to talk further. 🙂

Post # 42
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I am really sorry that this is making you so upset. I hope your love doesn’t change for him. My Fiance has gone to many bachelor parties. I used to argue that when women go to strip clubs, it is more for a good laugh, not a turn on. But for men, it is strictly for sex. I only say this cause when I went to a bachelorette party, I saw naked women dancing on poles. And all the men were middle aged staring, jaws dropping. That was my argument. However, we wasted so much time arguing about it. Fiance said that it is purely for a good laugh for bachelor parties too. And I know my fiance. He is the LAST person to get turned on by a lap dance. He would rather be golfing!

 

Now, it doesn’t bother me AT ALL. If he’s going out to a bachelor party I really want him to have a good time. Hell, I’ll even encourage a lap dance! haha…so i mean i guess it really depends on your trust with your Fiance. Just know that they are going out to have FUN and that there is no connection between the guys at teh party and the strippers who are dancing for them. It is all for a good laugh.

 

So I hoep you can discuss this with your Fiance and please don’t consider canceling the wedding. That would be silly! If you have arguments now and even threaten to cancel the wedding, maybe you two need to discuss other things as well!

 

Cheer up! 🙂

Post # 43
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

Ok I am in the boat of 12 is excessive. I have nothing against the strip club. I’ve probably been to the strip club more times than BF but it would really bother me that he got 12 lap dances. To me it’s not so much about 1 vs 12 its about his self control. 1 or 2 is to be expected if you are going to a strip club for your bachelor party. But 12!! That says to me that my man has no self control and can’t speak up for himself. Of course your friends want you to have a good time but there is always a line and I think your Fiance crossed it. I would want my Fiance to say no I do not need any more lap dances and I am uncomfortable having anymore. If his friends tease him or make fun of him so be it. If he is a MAN he should be fine with his friends giving him some crap because he is commited to you and he does not need to have that many lap dances to have a good time.

Post # 44
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

Check out the new thread – “did you or are you having male strippers at your bachelorette party” – you’ll find a lot of girls find male strippers to be of pure entertainment, and “why not” for their one and only bachelorette party. Perhaps it will ease any fear, insecurity, or worry – because I truly believe males tend to view female strippers very similarly – pure entertainment and sometimes, a little awkward and ick. If the ladies can laugh it off, why are we afraid our men will take it too far?

Post # 46
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@ missbubbles: I did not read that thread but I must disagree with that statement. Women & Men do Not view strip clubs similarly. They are totally different atmospheres. Male Strippers are far more far fetched and extreme (costumes/smacking) where Female clubs are dim & sexual. There are private rooms and private booths. Things are not the same. Females see it as uncompfortable and a laugh. I’m sorry but most men do not. That’s why so many leave spending hundreds of $$$$$$$.

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