(Closed) FI had over 12 lap dances at his bachelor’s…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@Demo Dreamer – like you said, you did not read the post – perhaps that’s an idea? I was not offering my own opinions, simply recapping from another post. No one in the world can claim to know exactly what every single man or woman in the world views this type of thing. The other thread I was referring to actually offers a variance of opinions, not a clear cut “good” and “bad” as you have outlined.

Post # 48
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

For other brides to be: This is all about expectations, if you don’t want your fiance participating in this type of activity the expectation before the bachelor party should be clear, both to him and the groomsmen, NO strippers and NO strip clubs. Once put int he situation it will be much harder for most guys to not go along with group mentality, which will be encouraging them to partake in this type of activity.

It is a sad commentary on our culture and society that a bride should be asked to accept this behaviour and that this should be the “norm” for preparing for your future with the Love of your life. It reflects an immaturity and lack of respect for marriage and committment in my opinion.

Post # 49
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@missbubbles: U summarized the article in your post. You said “girls find male strippers to be of pure entertainment, and “why not” for their one and only bachelorette party.” I agree with this statement. What I don’t agree with is when you said “I truly believe males tend to view female strippers very similarly – pure entertainment and sometimes, a little awkward and ick. If the ladies can laugh it off, why are we afraid our men will take it too far?” I don’t agree with this. I think many woman would agree that Men view Strip clubs WAY differently then we do. We are afraid our men will take it too far because they do. It’s been proven many a times.

Post # 50
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Think about this.  On a NORMAL “guys night out” 1-3 dances would be acceptable.  I would not doubt that the guys would go overboard with your Fiance “last night of freedom” 

I also would not give ultimatums about having a bachelor party.  I’ve been fighting with my Fiance about his overbearing mom and her pushy agenda (8 months of continuous arguing).  I would have LOVED to trade my battle for yours.

I just dont think you should take this so harshly.  To make light of things, why dont you start taking pole dancing lessons for your future hubby and surprise him one night? I took some classes and they were really fun!  Maybe you can gain some appreciation for pole aerobics?  *Kanye shrug*

 

Post # 51
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@annieville76: possible solution – go do the same thing! Some girls would never, I know, but so many women are doing male stripper bachelor parties now. I had this conversation with my Fiance a long time ago, I said “Its fine if you go to a strip club and get lap dances, I’ll just go to Chippendales or something and have fun myself, that way I won’t be thinking about what you’re doing all night.” He immediately told me not a fat chance, he’d be too jealous, then he realized it would be unfair for him to have one and not me and now both of us are having laid back non-naked people parties. Bottom line, it might make you feel better to do what he did and make him feel how you feel. (I’m ready for all the negative feedback headed my way! =p)

But that shadow hanging over you making you feel bad right now isn’t going to go away for a long time unless he starts bawling his eyes out and apologizes in tears. Which probably won’t happen. It seems like it got a wee bit out of control, and it also seems like you need to have a nice little chat with your friends that were with him. Get the full story, see if he initiated all those lap dances and then ask yourself, “Is he good to me? Is he a good, respectful person? If this never happened would everything still be flowing smoothly?” Make him give you back massages every day until the wedding, that will relax you a lot. If you love him you’ll work things out.

Post # 52
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Meh, my fiance is going out for his bachelor party on Thursday night, and has been very up front and honest with me….the boys are going deep sea fishing, to a casino and a strip club.  He’s the first in our group of friends to be married, and the strip club is truly what his friends want to do, and he’s just along for the ride, so to speak.  I, personally, think strip clubs (and strippers) are somewhat repulsive (ie: I told my girls that if they got me a stripper, I’d walk out of my own party and never talk to them again), but am secure enough in our relationship to know that he’ll go out, see some boobs, but that the whole experience will in no way affect our future.  

I also believe that this is (obviously) a very highly charged topic, and thus a very personal decision that you need to make.  I’m glad to hear that the OP has thought thing through, and that all is good.  🙂

Post # 53
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I understand why she’s feeling hurt, because this happened to me a few years ago. Remember that your bachelor was just having fun and likely was very egged on by his friends!

Post # 54
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

I am so sorry, that does sound like it would be very painful to think about and extremely difficult to get off your mind. I personally hate the idea of a stripper touching my Fiance, I would LOVE it if there were none at his bahelor party, and I am lucky that he wants the same… but he obviously cannot control his groomsmen and I am aware that a stripper or two may be present at some point of his bachelor party. I think this is similar to what happened with your groom. I think you were okay with 1-3, but as groomsmen can do sometimes, they pushed the limits to make it a bachelor party “to remember”. 

If this is something he has never done, or would have ever done without the pressure of the other guys present, I think that is what you should focus on. This isn’t “him” per say. This is him being riled up in a once in a life time situation with a lot of social pressure from men who he respects.

You love him, and he loves you, that’s why you are getting married! That is what is important. 

Post # 55
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

My ex cheated on me repeatedly with a stripper. My fi knows that if he has a stripper at his bachelors, I will leave him and I am not kidding.

Honestly, I feel for you. I’d seriously rethink marrying a man who disrespects  your wishes AND feels the need to touch other women. *hugs*

Post # 57
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree that his honesty is definitely a good sign. It was just a drunken lap dance, he didn’t grab her inappropriately or anything.

I also think you’re either totally against or totally cool with lap dances at a bachelor party (habitual lap dances are different, that’s just weird). I actually hope my soon to be husband gets a lap dance. He’s super awkward and I would love to see the tape, especially if it was more than one girl

Post # 58
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

annie – i know you’ve closed the book on this, and i’m happy that it sounds like you’ve made some peace with the situation. but i just want to say that i totally feel for you and see things from your perspective. the idea to have some “fun” before you get married, not glut yourself with as many 1/2naked women as possible before you get married. and sadly, your story actually freaks me out even more b/c FH has planned a friend’s bach party in Montreal and his friend has said point blank he wants there to be strippers involved. there has been an issue in the past w/me and FH involving a strip club, and i’m not gonna lie: i forgave him, but 3 years later, i still haven’t forgotten about it. it still hurts. i cringe every time i hear about a bach party he’s going to, and i fully intend to discuss my boundaries w/his groomsmen when FH’s turn comes around. but FH isn’t the best at making good decisions or standing up for himself when he’s with his buddies, no less when he’s super super drunk. i trust him totally but not so much around certain of his friends. i know that 10 years from now, we won’t even remember most of the details. we can only hope that our FH’s don’t keep making the same mistakes!

Post # 59
Member
12 posts
Newbee

My word, you ladies feel obligated to put up and make excuses for so many things.  There are so few who seem secure enough not to be cool with their guy disrespecting them before their marriage. 

First, why is it the woman’s fault for “not communicating” rather than the guy’s fault for not knowing that naked women dancing all over him would not be acceptable.  Unless most of the men you are marrying are complete idiots, they know that this is hurtful to you.  Most men really are smarter than that and it is extremely condescending to pretend that they are just such simple creatures that they don’t get that they are crossing boundaries.  You might want to entertain the remote idea that they want to experience strippers and what not, and don’t actually care if they hurt your feelings, or they don’t care enough to not do it.  Especially since they realize you are too insecure to leave them over it.

Second, the whole bachelor party thing is really manipulative, because they know how hard it will be for you to cancel after all the work and love you put into the wedding, so a lot of guys just figure that if you disapprove or are hurt, you will get over it.

Third, why doesn’t he have control over his bachelor party.   He’s an adult man, not a five year old boy (I hope).  If the dancers were men, I bet he would have plenty of control and get them off his lap pronto.

Fourth, since every women believes that their guy isn’t really the one who enjoyed the bachelor party, where are the men who enjoy them.  It’s always the other guys.  Doesn’t that seem ridiculous.

Finally, how can you ever know what happened?  The assumption that a guy who has gone out with you for years and then pretends he doesn’t realize that you would be hurt by a dozen naked women dancing on him would then reveal the details if even more happened is fairly preposterous. Why would he do that?   And, why would he draw the line at 12 lap dances if more was offered?  I mean I’m not saying he did more, but just that there is no reason to believe he would ever tell you. 

 

 

 

Post # 60
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m sorry you feel hurt by his actions. I’ve never been to a Bachelor or Bachelorette party but from what I’ve heard, it’s like a huge competition to see who can embarass the groom/bride the most.

FI’s cousins already asked me if he could go to a strip club. I told them that I don’t give Fiance permission to do anything, I’m not his mommy. He makes his own decisions and gives himself permission to do whatever he wants.

That being said, I also told Fiance that if that’s what he chose to do, all I wanted to hear was “Hi baby, my bachelor party was fun and I love you!” lol, I don’t want to know if 12,00,000 lap dances happened. I just want him to go out and have fun. I know he loves and respects me. He’s marrying me, not some stripper named Tootsie Roll or whatever.

Post # 61
Member
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with starburst198077. Don’t make excuses for him, or let yourself think that somehow you’re being controlling or nagging by being upset about it. And as for communicating beforehand that you didn’t want him to get 12 lap dances…really? Do you also need to tell him not to do every other possible eventuality every day? He knew it would hurt you, but he got caught up in the moment and so pretended to himself that maybe you wouldn’t care.

 

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