(Closed) FI had to choose wrong best man because of me…what to do?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Can he have two best men? 

Post # 4
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Well, honestly, it doesn’t sound like Dude B CARES about being the best man… your Fiance could, in theory, ask him if he wanted to be co-best man; he’ll probably not care one way or the other and it sounds like he really is totally clueless. Then apologize profusely to Dude A for being so short-sighted. This only works because Dude B just really doesn’t care… otherwise it would be a huge no no.

Post # 5
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

It sounds like he doesn’t want to be Bridesmaid or Best Man if he’d rather be the officiant! Can you at least do “co-BMs?” Fiance kind of did this because he asked his best friend, then felt bad for not asking his brother.

Post # 6
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I’ve never heard of the BM/MOH being close to the couple, not sure that’s really a thing…Well, I don’t think you can un-ask Dude B to be the Best Man but you can def have two best men and include A that way…Sorry tho, that sucks!

Post # 8
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Given that the current best man doesn’t seem hugely enthused, I’d say your Fiance might be able to ask him if he’d like to step down.  It might be worth checking, however, to see if the first choice is still interested. 

Post # 9
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I have always felt that the BM/MOH are the sole choice of the groom & bride, you pick the person you want by your side, not who’s closest to the couple- because they usually end up being completely different people. I think the best thing to do would just have your Fiance have co-best men. It’s obvious that he wants “Dude A” by his side, and there’s no reason he shouldnt be. OR ask Dude B if he’s ok with being Best Man or if he would like to resign to groomsman, and that you wont be upset and completely understand if he wants to step down from the responsibilites (toast and bachelor party).

If Dude B has actually become excited about being Bridesmaid or Best Man, then maybe you should try to come up with a special job for Dude A so that he feels more included in his best friends wedding. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Yeah, I’d say have 2.  Fiance was co-BM at his bff’s wedding 2 yrs ago, and I’m having my sister and my bff as co-MOHs (FI only has 1 BM).  You might want to both apologize for all the confusion but say you feel it’s a decision that should have been made at the very begin and you want to make “right” from here on out.  He sounds like a very level-headed guy, so he should understand how hectic wedding planning and decision-making can be.  Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

yeah, just ask them to be co-best men. I would say ask them to switch roles, but since Bridesmaid or Best Man is dating your Maid/Matron of Honor it seems natural that they should walk together — and it seems like a lot of rigamarole to ask your Maid/Matron of Honor to move into #2 position…

Post # 13
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

For logistics, Fiance and the other bestman took turns with each responsibility: 1 stood next to the groom, one signed the license, both gave a joint toast (I’ve also been to a wedding were the 2 bestmen didn’t know each other and each gave a seperate toast), both escorted the Maid/Matron of Honor.  You find a way to make it work because these are the people that are important to you and having them invovled matters.

Post # 14
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wait, you asked dude B to be the Bridesmaid or Best Man, your Fiance didn’t ask him? Had you both come to some kinda of final mutual decision? If so, then while you should have allowed your Fiance to ask him, the decision was mutual and you both need to own up to the fall out. If it wasn’t… well…. I suggest starting by apologizing to your Fiance… that’s supposed to be his responsibility. We talked about his Bridesmaid or Best Man because my Fiance had a bit of a situation and so we talked through many scenario’s of who is the “best” man to be by his side…. but… it was up to him to make the decision and ask.

You can have two Bridesmaid or Best Man, only one will sign. You can have the two each give a toast… One stands next to the groom, one is next to the best man. In the program they share the designation by their name. They communicate with each other to throw the bachelor party. 

Post # 15
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

My husband had 2 best men. (he has 2 brothers) The older of the 2 signed as a witness but honestly it was because he happened to be standing there when we went to sign, either would have been fine. And they both gave a toast/speech together. As far as standing next to him at the alter, it worked for us that the older of the 2 stood next to my husband because the nearer of the 2 was going to be on a step and the younger is taller so it would have looked weird. It was a logistical thing, not a “I like you more” thing. Nothing about having 2 best men was weird at all. In fact, my husbands brother is getting married next month and now my husband and the other brother are the 2 best men for him.

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