(Closed) FI Has Changed Since We Moved!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ElayneRunner:  I just ran through all your updates (you are certainly right about being long winded) and I am just in shock. If only I could come to scoop you up and bring you to my house to live with me! I hate to say this but you left him once and went running back, so this time you are going to do the exact same thing. You should reach out to one of the abuse hotlines and speak to someone who is better equipped to speak to abused women. Heck, go to a womans shelter and ask if you could at least speak to someone!!!!! No one deserves what you are being put through and I hope you are strong enough to get out.

Post # 62
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Don’t marry this man. You will regret it for the rest of your life.

Post # 63
Member
3669 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

ElayneRunner:  Hun, there is no compromise here. Leave and never look back. 

You probably wont listen to me but you need to go…The longer you stay the harder it will get and the more broken you will be at the end. Nobody here can convince you to leave…you know what needs to be done and you just need to find the courage to do it 

Post # 64
Member
47278 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

ElayneRunner:  You already have a solid reason to tell him that you are done. Please get in touch with agencies that provide services to abused women in your community. They will help you plan a step by step escape from this situation.

The lease is the last thing you should be thinking about. You need to be thinking  about you, your life and your mental well being.

Post # 65
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

ElayneRunner:  thank you for being more honest.  I knew you were pretending he was better than he is – partially just hoping he might be, believing that he could be, thinking he didn’t really mean it, etc.- I’ve been there and I’ve done that.  It sounds like you might be on the beginning of your path to ending this toxic, abusive relationship and moving on to better things.  Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed- your family members and loved ones will help you and support you.  He’s controlling you so much and you’re so scared to admit who he really is and what he really does that you lie to ppl anonymously on the internet to downplay what he’s done to you and how he behaves.  Walk away.  Make him leave (he can go stay with whatever woman or women he’s cheating on you with- sorry, but it is really probably true) and your parents will help you with the apartment.  If you tell the landlord what is happening (or your parents do), they might go easier on you in letting you out of the lease.

Nothing will stop after you get married- he will only get worse.  Don’t do it.  You can still be completely free and not held down and held back everyday by him.

No need to put yourself down anymore- you don’t seem longwinded to me- you are searching for advice and guidance on a HUGE life crisis.  Does he tell you that you’re longwinded or make you feel bad?  Stop letting him.  Walk away.  Make him move out.  Change your number.  If any other roommate had assaulted you (pushed you into a door, etc.) would you stay living w/them while they might attack you again just because you couldn’t afford rent on your own?  Love is not an excuse for abuse.

Like you said, this relationship was never good – because he is not good.  Other ppl have good, healthy relationships and you can too.  I remember when I was breaking up with my abusive ex, a gf who’d gotten married and had been on the bee told me that she’d always see on here these stories of women who’d left abusive men and then found a wonderful guy and married him.  I am now one of those stories and you can be too.

It doesn’t matter at all if he “could” be different.  He is not different.  He is everything he’s been doing to you for the past years.  I could be an astrophysicist, but I’m not.  Stop pretending you’re in a relationship with a good man just because you think he could act like he’s good- he is what he is and that is a man who treats you very poorly and chooses to do that more days than not.  Hitler could have been different.  Terrorists could have been different.  But they did/do what they did/do. Period. and so does your Fiance.  Walk away.  Make him move out.

My abusive ex tried to act like everything he was doing and saying was perfectly normal too and I  believed him for a while.  I didn’t even think to tell anybody that he said multiple times in a very straightforward manner that he’d kill me if he ever thought I cheated.  That he punched walls or broke things in fights that I didn’t even know what he was mad about and I could never calm him down.  He asked me more than once if I’d call the cops if he beat me.  I promised him that I wouldn’t – only if I thought I was going to die.  WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!  Please get out of this.  

My abusive ex also accidentally threw things at me without ever realizing it, but guess what- nobody else has ever accidentally done any of the things he did to hurt me.  Why? because those things were not accidents.  Ask your friends if ANY of them have done anything with their SOs and accidentally ended up with a black eye.  He can’t trick you into staying with him if you won’t talk to him or see him.  Make him move out and take at least 3 months to get yourself together.  You don’t need any more “solid” reasons to leave him- you tried to leave him and he physically assaulted you.  Nothing is more solid than that. Run.  

Escalation is not something most women notice when they’re in the relationship.  I broke up with my ex and he seemed to not even care or notice, next thing I know he “needs” to stay with me, then I go to sleep and I find him drunk on my couch with a huge kitchen knife muttering insanely and VERY ANGRY.  It took me years to realize that that WAS escalation- that knife was for me.  At the time, I wasn’t even scared.  Get out.  However you can.  While you can.

Post # 67
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

ElayneRunner:  He can only “trick you” into sticking around if you choose to let him. He has SHOWN you, repeatedly, exactly who he is, and it’s high time you believed him. This man has physically laid his hands on you before to the point where he could have (and should have) been arrested — what more of a “screw up” do you need to prove to yourself you should leave? The screw up has already happened my dear, many, many times over!

Further, putting it on him in that way is absolving yourself of any and all power. Leave because you love yourself and know you deserve better — don’t leave because he’s finally decided to exceed whatever random asshole threshold you create for him. Not to mention that it sounds like waiting around for that day could potentially mean physical harm for yourself.

You should NOT resign to living as roommates until he changes because that will take you physically and emotionall off the market in terms of meeting other GOOD men who can be the other half of the relationship you used to dream of. You have allowed this man to take enough years of your life — don’t give him any more by waiting around, even if you’ve convinced yourself it’s just a roommate thing to help pay the bills.

It truly breaks my heart that you aren’t able to believe that better truly exists out there and that you are truly deserving of it. Please, PLEASE contact a support group or therapist to help you understand how you arrived at that belief and how you can pull yourself out of it. If you don’t, you can expect a long pattern of exactly what you have already experienced, and the stakes only get higher as life goes on (marriage, kids, comingled finances, intertwined families, etc etc). Life is hard enough without choosing someone hard to live it with.

Post # 68
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’ve already commented telling you to run, and I still feel like you should.. but I do have a question.. Could he be using drugs? Namely cocaine.

I don’t understand how anyone sane/ somewhat sober can be so disrespectful and oblivious to how he’s acting. He leaves for 30 hours at a time? My ex bf used to do this, I found out that he wasn’t just a piece of shit, he was a cocaine addict to boot and would spend most of his time away from me so I wouldn’t find out.

You deserve better and lease or no lease, you need to get away from this guy. He sounds so toxic and dangerous.

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by  KC-2722.
Post # 69
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

Get yourself some counseling pronto. You need help digging deep to find the strength and will to leave. Your ‘hopelessly hopeful’ outlook is just going to cost you years and years of your life. And they will be miserable years at that. And, sad to say, you’ll most likely resign some poor, innocent children to a miserable upbringing with a major shit for a father.

This is all on you. You’re a grown adult, you know he’s a shit, yet you continue – against all reason and sound judgment – to tell yourself he will change because you’ve convivnced yourself that sitting around wringing your hands is somehow easier than leaving. Who knows, maybe living with a guy who doesn’t give a shit about you and makes no effort to hide that, spends every friday night and all day Saturday with another woman and all his spare time at home on the computer chatting up gods knows who and engaging in who knows what, is easier than living alone. But I do know that two things can’t occupy the same space at the same time. So as long as you fill your space with shit, there is no room for non-shit. Your choice.

Stop expecting him to change. Change yourself instead. You’ll get better results. Besides, it’s beyond ridiculous to complain that he won’t change when you won’t change. Change yourself. Stop eating shit with a big ol’ spoon.

Post # 70
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

ElayneRunner:  I only read your first post, so I have no idea if I will just be echoing all the previous posters. First are there any MAJOR underlying issues? By that I mean financial problems? I am guessing no, since he goes out so much and that costs money. When is the wedding? Does he feel it is approaching too quickly? Is there something health related or a very ill close family memeber? Anything that is major?

If the answer is no, then I hate to be a negative nancy but this is really bad. He is treating you like a roommate. Split the bills but otherwise lead seperate lives. TBH my roommate treat me better than your Fiance treats you.

How is he during the week? Any chance he is having an affair? Again, I know this is a negative take on the situation but it does seem the writing is on the wall.

Are his friends single? Perhaps he is having second thoughts and wants to go back to that single life. Also what was your relationship like before the move?

I am so sorry and seriously you can “throw away x amount of years” NOW or you can stay and throw away a life time.

Post # 71
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

I know the financial situation with the apartment sucks, but you’ve got to deal with it. You might be able to get someone who can sublet your place or take over the lease. Worst case scenario, financial ruin is still better than living with an abusive man.

He has physically abused you in the past and I’m sorry, but he will do it again. If you are scared of him, get to a local battered women’s shelter. You do not deserve this. Get out of this relationship as safely as you can. It will only get harder the longer you are involved with him.

Find a support group for abused women. Go to counselling. But do not marry this man.

Post # 73
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

While he’s out with his friends….change the damn locks!! 

Post # 74
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Run. Run fast. Run now.

Post # 75
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

With your name on the lease – when he is out, pack all of his stuff in boxes and put outside the door, change the locks. Put a posting on Craigslist for a roommate or up in a local college. Get HIM OUT! He is mentally and emotionally ebusing you if not more and you are being naive and covering for him by thinking it’s not so bad. It is and you won’t see it clearly until after. I am just appauled and him leaving you there hurt when you were painting. He sounds like my ex husband. Everything was always everyone else’s fault. He took no blame, he was emotionally a child and almost 50 now and still hasn’t grown up and be responsible. Run from this relationship as fast as you can. I know it’s easier said than done but you need to create an exit plan now. If his name is not on the lease, get him out NOW. 

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