ElayneRunner: thank you for being more honest. I knew you were pretending he was better than he is – partially just hoping he might be, believing that he could be, thinking he didn’t really mean it, etc.- I’ve been there and I’ve done that. It sounds like you might be on the beginning of your path to ending this toxic, abusive relationship and moving on to better things. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed- your family members and loved ones will help you and support you. He’s controlling you so much and you’re so scared to admit who he really is and what he really does that you lie to ppl anonymously on the internet to downplay what he’s done to you and how he behaves. Walk away. Make him leave (he can go stay with whatever woman or women he’s cheating on you with- sorry, but it is really probably true) and your parents will help you with the apartment. If you tell the landlord what is happening (or your parents do), they might go easier on you in letting you out of the lease.
Nothing will stop after you get married- he will only get worse. Don’t do it. You can still be completely free and not held down and held back everyday by him.
No need to put yourself down anymore- you don’t seem longwinded to me- you are searching for advice and guidance on a HUGE life crisis. Does he tell you that you’re longwinded or make you feel bad? Stop letting him. Walk away. Make him move out. Change your number. If any other roommate had assaulted you (pushed you into a door, etc.) would you stay living w/them while they might attack you again just because you couldn’t afford rent on your own? Love is not an excuse for abuse.
Like you said, this relationship was never good – because he is not good. Other ppl have good, healthy relationships and you can too. I remember when I was breaking up with my abusive ex, a gf who’d gotten married and had been on the bee told me that she’d always see on here these stories of women who’d left abusive men and then found a wonderful guy and married him. I am now one of those stories and you can be too.
It doesn’t matter at all if he “could” be different. He is not different. He is everything he’s been doing to you for the past years. I could be an astrophysicist, but I’m not. Stop pretending you’re in a relationship with a good man just because you think he could act like he’s good- he is what he is and that is a man who treats you very poorly and chooses to do that more days than not. Hitler could have been different. Terrorists could have been different. But they did/do what they did/do. Period. and so does your Fiance. Walk away. Make him move out.
My abusive ex tried to act like everything he was doing and saying was perfectly normal too and I believed him for a while. I didn’t even think to tell anybody that he said multiple times in a very straightforward manner that he’d kill me if he ever thought I cheated. That he punched walls or broke things in fights that I didn’t even know what he was mad about and I could never calm him down. He asked me more than once if I’d call the cops if he beat me. I promised him that I wouldn’t – only if I thought I was going to die. WHAT IN THE WORLD??!! Please get out of this.
My abusive ex also accidentally threw things at me without ever realizing it, but guess what- nobody else has ever accidentally done any of the things he did to hurt me. Why? because those things were not accidents. Ask your friends if ANY of them have done anything with their SOs and accidentally ended up with a black eye. He can’t trick you into staying with him if you won’t talk to him or see him. Make him move out and take at least 3 months to get yourself together. You don’t need any more “solid” reasons to leave him- you tried to leave him and he physically assaulted you. Nothing is more solid than that. Run.
Escalation is not something most women notice when they’re in the relationship. I broke up with my ex and he seemed to not even care or notice, next thing I know he “needs” to stay with me, then I go to sleep and I find him drunk on my couch with a huge kitchen knife muttering insanely and VERY ANGRY. It took me years to realize that that WAS escalation- that knife was for me. At the time, I wasn’t even scared. Get out. However you can. While you can.