(Closed) FI has decided to quit…now what?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@nony:  I think you should give him a chance to follow through on his efforts to change, especially since you say you adore him and want to marry him one day. Also, Al-Anon is more for loved ones of alcoholics who need support. AA is for those who have a desire to stop drinking. 

Post # 4
Member
7437 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@sillysillybee:  +1 Give him the opportunity to follow through with professional help. It’a good he can even admit there is a problem that needs to be fixed.

Post # 5
Member
1654 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I agree with PPs. It is going to be a hard road for him, and don’t be too disappointed if he has a couple of relapses along the way. I feel like it would be really hard for him to stop but the fact that he recognizes that there’s a problem, coupled with the fact that he’s thinking about his future (and yours), there is a lot of hope. 

Good luck and stay strong!

Post # 6
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

As the previous poster informed you , your Fiance would want to attend Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).  You would want to attend Al-Anon to meet others who have loved ones with an alcohol problem.  They can teach you how not to be an enabler, though it looks like you are capable of tough love.  If you love this man, support him but make it clear to him that if he does not change, you are walking.

Post # 7
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@nony:  I think the fact that he was able to almost quit before, and that he realized what a mistake he made last night is a good thing. As they say, admitting you have a problem is a huge first step.

I would be inclined to let him follow through on his promise, and possibly help him avoid temptation… like don’t go out to bars and suggest he doesn’t do that with his friends.

Everyone gets drunk once in a while but yeah it does sound like he goes a bit overboard!

Post # 8
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would give him a chance to follow through and see how it goes. Be prepared for some relapses along the way. Very few manage to quit and never relapse. And definitely go to Al-Anon.

Post # 9
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Make sure you go to Al-Anon.  That’s what it’s really for.  Then decided.  I think you should give him a chance if you were ready to marry the guy.

Post # 10
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Alcoholism is a life long disease.  Your Fiance needs to get honest and real with himself and you regarding recovery.  No one is a “former alcoholic.”  You are either an alcoholic or you are not. His father is in recovery with 25 years of sobriety.  

Living with an alcoholic who is in recovery is better than living with one who isn’t but it is a long road and a big commitment.  It is hard and the threat of relapse will always be there.  You need to consider the level of trust you have in your Fiance to actually follow through.  All is not lost for you but I would consider holding the wedding until you can see where this is going.  It is alot easier to say you are quitting than it is to actually quit.  I wish the best for you both.

Post # 11
Member
438 posts
Helper bee

@nony:  Sorry you are going through this, I think you should give him the chance to prove he can do this, it sounds like he is serious about it as he hasn’t hesitated in contacting the right people for help and seeking the support of his dad who will have the best info to give him as he has dont it too.

The only thing you can do to support him is be there the rest he must do on his own as hard as it is, but you just being there will be enough :]

I’m sending you and your Fiance strength and good wishes :]

Post # 12
Member
7647 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@nony:  If he is making the step to getting help, I would stick around to see it through, if it does. I don’t be too hard on him right now, but just love and support him and only be firm when you have to be. Attend meetings and counseling with him if you can. He needs to figure this out.

Post # 13
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It’s great that he realizes he has a serious problem. Al Anon is a support group for individuals who have family members/significant others are struggle with addiction. You should consider going and also attend counseling with him if you. You might also want to consider individual counseling for yourself. Addiction is a long road and you have to decide if you are willing to travel that road with him.

Post # 14
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@nony:  I think you should give him a chance to follow through on this new course of action, but make it very clear that this makes any back slide completely unacceptable.

Post # 15
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

Oh dear!  I was married to someone like this for nearly twenty years.  The promises to stop – yes they sounded good but they never happened.  He got more and more abusive to both me and our children.  He spent our money, we were continually in debt and I was constantly worrying about the future and what would happen.  I had to be on anti-depressants to just get through the day, to put up with his drinking, spending, swearing, abuse and whoring. 

If only I had stopped listening to his empty promises to give up earlier……

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