(Closed) FI has me HATING, LOATHING, DESPISING sex!!!!

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
1506 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

See what he thinks about you two going to couple’s counseling. This is not an issue that’s going to get better for either of you without help.



Post # 4
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@MrsMcGyro: agreed. it’s only going to get worse if you don’t seek professional help

I’m sorry you’re going through this but it seems like the two of you have A LOT to work out before you commit the rest of your life to him.

Post # 5
46597 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I suggest you seee a counsellor as soon as possible and for as long as it takes.

You have more isssues than just sex to work out in your relationship.

His behavior is abusive.

Post # 6
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think it sounds like you seek out the same type of men. Men who treat you like a walking pussy that can also clean up after them. You need to DEMAND more respect than that, girl! Him doing his laundry and cleaning a bathroom is not a currency with which he can buy sex and it certainly doesn’t mean he’s extra helpful or super productive. Those are some pretty basic chores that most people don’t get some sort trophy for completing. And his begrudging attitude towards your daughter is downright unacceptable. Think of the example you are setting for her. Your relationship is going be what she emulates and sees as the bar for how men should treat her. Scary.

It sounds like you probably need some couples counselling, and if not, it sounds like you could really use someone to talk to on your own. You have to be able to process all these traumatizing things that have happened to you so that you can break this cycle of seeking out poisonous relationships. And please, learn how to enjoy YOURSELF before letting these men take advantage of your body and your kindness. I think you need a little “me” time.

Post # 7
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

This is not ok.

You need to get counseling together (or you  need to cut it off with him and get therapy for yourself).

This is NOT a healthy relationship and he is emotionally abusing you.

Post # 8
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010


I think the fights about sex are a symptom of a much larger problem in your relationship that needs to be worked out before you guys can contemplate moving forward with marriage.

For the record:  you do not owe anyone sex.  Period. 

Post # 9
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You two really need to work on your communication before you get married.  I wouldn’t marry him with things like this going on.

Post # 10
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Totally agree with the other ladies, this is a very serious issue and generally speaking something this deep rooted isn’t going to change. 


The fact that he wants you to be a Suzie homemaker (which I’m not bagging on- I’m totally a Suzie homemaker in training!) and you don’t want to is really disturbing.  If your Fiance thinks you exist to cook, clean, and screw he needs to reevaluate why he is with you. 

Sex is a beautiful thing and should be intimate, fun, and empowering.  I love being with my Fiance because it’s special and amazing and he doesn’t pressure me when I tell him I just don’t want to- and we end up having sex way more often than 3x a week! Maybe you should just try being honest with your Fiance and telling him ‘hey look, when I’m under pressure to do all these things I’m not in the mood for something so initimate’  If he can’t handle that..maybe you need to move on, as hard as that is =(


good luck <3

Post # 11
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Definitely see a counselor asap. You haven’t dealt with your date rape issue which is the first red flag in your post. Then you choose men who basically force sex on you when you don’t want to do it…second red flag. Get to a counselor asap!!!

Post # 12
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It sounds like you have a pattern of seeking/tolerating abusive relationships.  I’d suggest personal counseling just for yourself to break that cycle.  Then maybe do some counseling w/ your Fi.

Post # 13
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I am very sorry that you are going through this.

@julies1949: Agree.

This is abuse. I hope that you can take the time to look online or other resources and read up about the different types of abuse.

I think that he needs to realize that getting into a relationship with a mother is very different then a relationship with someone who is single without responsibilities. Personally, parenting comes first… even if it means I am exhausted at the end of the day.

I also think that he is not being fair by not seeing how much of a busy schedule you have. You ARE NOT his slave. You aren’t SUPPOSED to do this or that. It is a choice that you have and he should not make you feel guilty for that.

Though I do think that sex is a very important part of any relationship, I do not think that ANYONE has the right to make someone feel horrible for not wanting this.

Once again, I am sorry you are going through this. If you need someone to talk to, you can always pm

Post # 14
2889 posts
Sugar bee

This is the tough love type of response, don’t read it if you only want encouragement.

Your Fiance does not sound like a man I would want to be with. From everything you say, not just the sex, he sounds a bit controlling but mostly entitled and full of himself. I personally could never be in a relationship with a man who feels that I owe him something and that it is my job to clean up after him. Therefore, I would say tell him to move out and take some time for yourself. Í think you should seek some sort of counseling for yourself as your sexual past seems to be getting in the way of your sexuality. Also, it seems like your history of long distance relationships gets in the way of having a gradual sexual relationship and leads to expectations. Finally you always refer to sex as something you are doing for the man almost as a favor to him. You should not feel obligated to have sex with any man regardless of his role in your life. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it jusst because he makes you feel guilty.

Post # 15
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Im sorry you have to deal with that. I agree with eveyone else, you need to seek help- asap, I would not get married to someone that was talking to me like that, it will only get worse.

Post # 16
1231 posts
Bumble bee

…it’s not just a sex problem. He demeans you and treats you like an object (based on your post). That’s not fair, and quite honestly i’m not surprised that you aren’t interested in sex, I wouldn’t be either if I was being treated like that. It sounds like you are looking for the same kind of men, that treat you poorly. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and your daughter is watching and she’s going to think that’s how relationships are supposed to be. I think you should go to counseling for yourself. Be happy with yourself first and then you can find someone that loves you for you or work it out with current Fiance (although he sounds really abusive).

But it isn’t good for your daughter to watch mommy being treated like crap. 

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