(Closed) FI has “that” friend

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
162 posts
Blushing bee

I know how you feel … I never like to think of my Fi with anyone else even when I didnt know him.. I know it sounds silly but Id just like to think that hes mine LOL But just think you have the ring not her! Sooo.. I woudlnt worry bout it .. hes with u!!

Post # 4
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I am really sorry. My Fiance has an ex that he was mad about, and still did everything together, and I had to sit and have a long talk with him about EVERYTHING to do with her. He wanted to invite her to the wedding too, but I said no. I told him how I feel about her and asked him how he would feel if our roles were reversed. I am very insecure and jelous too, and I will probably never get over it, but it helped to lay it all out to him. He seems to respect it and doesn’t bring her up anymore.

I don’t think he should have shared your convo with her, but guys just don’t get that sort of thing! At least she knows that you aren’t comfortable with it, and maybe she will back off a little.

Post # 5
2316 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m not going to lie, this is a little weird. He doesn’t like her, but wants to go a couple of states over to comfort her? Maybe I’m insanely jealous, but their relationship just wouldn’t sit right with me. One of my ex’s is also one of my best friends, but Mr. KM and him have a little bromance going on and we’re not emotionally entangled over it. He’s more like a brother than anything else…your FI’s relationship with this girl is out of the ordinary, and I totally sympathize with you being uncomfortable with it.

Post # 6
1449 posts
Bumble bee

Im sorry you feel this way and I understand, I am a totally jealous person.  DH still wears a necklace an old gf gave him which I was jealous about at first but I got over it. It has no meaning to him regarding an old gf, its the meaning of the necklace (St. Christophers cross that is for save travels since he would go back and forth flying between school and home awhile ago).

At least he told his friend she cant come to the wedding.  I dont think you should look at it as him spilling your feelings to her, but rather just giving her a reason on why she would not be invited to the wedding.  In the end, you just need to trust him and try to not let your jealousy get the best of you (but I think you should definitely continue to talk to him about your feelings on this matter)

Post # 7
6980 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think that in general you need to trust your gut and if you are uncomfortable with their relationship then that is what matters.

That being said, from just what you told me I would not have a problem with her. It sounds like she is a friend and that he has been putting your feelings first. I have male friends and I’m so glad Fiance is not threatened by them… I do believe that people can have platonic relationships with opposite-sex friends. I think the fact that he was straight-forward in respecting your feelings about not inviting her and even telling her the reason is a good thing. He was letting her know: she is my fiance and her feelings come first. He didn’t make up some lie so she would feel good about herself.

Post # 8
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree with CorgiTales.  I understand the insecurity that sometimes comes with your Fiance having a close relationship with another girl, but it does sound like they are just friends if he is able to be completely honest with her, and is not trying to make excuses with you. He seems to be putting you and your feelings first, which is most important.  I think you should absolutely keep talking to him about how you feel about this friend, because feeling jealous about him talking on the phone to her is not good.  Help him to do whatever he. needs to make you feel secure about your relationship

Post # 9
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I understand how you feel… my Fiance has an ex girlfriend, which he was crazy about also. They are still friends, and I sometimes feel insecure because she’s very beautiful, smart, and so nice… the kind of girl you can’t hate even if you want to lol! I never wanted to keep them to do stuff together; it turned out we decided to do things all together from time to time so I can get to know her; we see her 3-4 times/year, it works out well. Anyway, Fiance did not invite her to the wedding without me asking, which I am very greatful for. I like her and all, but I don’t want a woman at my wedding thinking “this could have been me…”

In your case, it’s nice that your Fiance respects your feelings… and I understand you feeling weird about him telling her your private reasons, but… what else could he have told her that would have made sense? They knew each other all their lives, so even if he made up some other reason, she probably would have figured out.

Post # 10
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I would just make sure your Fiance knows that when he discusses things with you, that he needs to keep details personal between you guys. I think that it’s always safe when guys talk to other guys – they never really go into details. But girls and guys, platonic or not, tend to talk more and he may not realize he shouldn’t. I heard somewhere that guys are always more lonely than girls after break ups, because while girls have their female friends to go into detail about things with, guys don’t really open up like that unless with a SO or girl friend, so it’s hard to heal. Anyway, this could have to do w/ why he talks too much with her. I wouldn’t worry – I know it is hard. I’d be jealous too. But if you lay out the boundaries, explain why you want to keep things private, it sounds like both will be respectful.

Post # 11
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

No no no no no no noooooooooo. Ex girlfriends, ugh. I’m just a little more bitter about a situation such as that because my Fiance dated like, the whole soccer team in high school. And I’ve met, oh, tons of them. 😐

Post # 13
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I wouldn’t want her around, either.  I’d probably put my foot down about something like this, which I usually don’t believe in doing. If it amkes you uncomfortable, he needs to know AND respect that by maintaining boundaries accordingly.

You can’t expect him to read your mind about private converstaions–with guys you literally have to say “this stays between the two of us” which is annoying, until he realizes it.

That being said, I think it’s good that she knows YOU are uncomfortable with her being there. If she’s evil, she may actually bask in that a little bit. However, she now knows that and hoepfully uses her own judgement to not cause bigger issues. If it was me (i have a firend who used to like me…i was that girl he could never have….and when he got with his girlfriend I knew there were boundaries to maintain that were just appropriate, ya know? I respected HER space by not being so buddy buddy with him and hanging out with him as much. And, later on, I did suspect he wasn’t over it as much as he said he was…)

Post # 14
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

We have a strict no EX rule in our household and there are no loopholes or exceptions. The way I see it is while there is a small chance a friendship can continue that is truly platonic in nature after two people break up, it is still disrespectful to your SO to have that person in your life. My Fiance used to keep in touch with his ex up until a few months into our relationship when I told him it was me or her, even though I trusted him. He had no problem sending her a goodbye email, explaning that he can’t keep in touch with her anymore out of respect for me. Of course she was mad which tells me it was definitely the right thing to do.

Your situation does not sound good. The fact that he is still talking to her after getting engaged to you is bad. Also, that he is sharing private information, confiding in her. He seems a little too interested in seeing her again. Your wedding is not the time for her to ‘catch up’ with his family, any idiot would know exactly why she really wants to be there. And of course she wants to ‘talk to you’ talking to you will bring her closer to him which is probably her goal.

If I were you I would tell him to choose between you and her. That means absoltuely no more contact – not on social networking sites, through family members, nothing. There is no reason she needs to be in his life and it’s only hurting your relationship. Sorry to be so harsh with my advice, but that’s what i would do. Good luck!

Post # 16
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you have to trust your Fiance and let it be. He put the ring on your finger and wants to spend the rest of his life with you! Laughing

I do totally understand the jealous factor, my Fiance dated a woman for 7 years and they still occasionally chat on Facebook. While I’m not happy about it he set boundaries with her as soon as I told him it made me uncomfortable. She kept commenting on everything he wrote and asking about his family etc. He said she is just being nice. I called it annoying, clingy and inappropriate. He told her it bugged me and she stopped. It wasn’t that she wanted him back (she had married and had twins) but she just couldn’t let go of the past and his family etc. She’s finally stopped and now they occasionally message about going ons back home and I’m fine with it b/c he has no problem telling me what she says etc. I’ve just learned to trust that he loves me and wants to spend forever with me. He was with her 7 years and never proposed so they obviously weren’t meant to be and we are meant to be so that makes me more comfortable with them chatting every so often.

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