(Closed) FI has transexual porn on his email

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Im so sorry to hear what your goign through. I think counseling could do you guys some good, he seems a bit confused. Maybe he’s just in denial but I wouldnt just let it go. For me personally, that would be the end of the relationship, (harsh i know, i have a very low tolerance). But I hope that you guys can work it out.

Post # 4
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

People can be bisexual, so it doesn’t mean he is gay. I also think that therapy would help you guys get all this out in the open so that it doesn’t fester/leave you scared and pulling away for the rest of the relationship.

Post # 5
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

Most people aren’t fully gay, or fully straight. See: Kinsey Scale. If you can’t accept his (possible) sexuality, you shouldn’t marry him.

You also shouldn’t marry someone that you have such little trust in that you feel the need to snoop on his accounts.

Post # 6
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Hmm.. this is a doozy. On one side, I think everyone has fantasies and not everyone is going to act on them. But it kind of seems that by him replying to adds and chatting with other people he may be acting on them or in the steps towards that.

I really think you should have a serious talk with him. As a friend. Ask him how he feels and if he needs space. Don’t accuse him of anything and dont make him feel bad for having these urges.

I know this has got to be hard. I wish you good luck.

Post # 7
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I have no problem with Fiance looking at porn – but gay or transexual porn would raise some flags for me – get as fetishy as you want but that sort of crosses a line and would make me question his sexuality too.

Im at a loss for advice – i have no idea how i would handle that situation but i would want answers – if that is something he has thought about but has never explored, that would worry me too – go do you exploring and call me when you figure it out – i dont think i would be able to enter a marriage KNOWING there is something out there that he hasnt tried but wanted to – i would worry that would all crumble in on me a few years down the road.

Post # 8
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

Wow, that’s tough. I am so, so sorry. HUGS.

First, he needs to explore all avenues and be 100% sure before he marries you. I don’t think it would be right to get married if he has some issues/doubts/unresolved fetishes. What if they come back and he acts on them in 10 years? That would be much worse than getting it all out in the open right now. Maybe if he lives out the fantasy, it can be done and over with — but that could only happen if you are on board with allowing him to do that so you can continue your future together.

I agree that counseling is defintiely in order. I just personally could not commit my life to someone who is unsure about his sexuality.

 

Post # 9
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

couples counseling can help him explore why he did this and help you get over it. i think you need individual counseling too though — you shouldn’t be going in his email behind his back. 

Post # 10
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@tranquility: I agree! its one thing to explore it online – by watching videos – its another to actually reach out to people and explore it that way. Def dont get defensive or accuse him – for both of you it needs to be talked about and communicated without anger or frustration.

Post # 11
Member
3012 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this.  I think counseling would be an option for him especially, but he may get very defensive if you bring this up.  Other than that, I really don’t have much advice.  I have come across links and searches on J’s computer that really upset me before.  I didn’t know how to take it or even confront him about it.  I guess guys have fetishes that they’re curious about and only explore on-line rather than physical, but it kind of still freaks me out.  I’m sure things will work out for the best, but I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 12
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Whoa thats some pretty intense stuff. I have to ask though, if you had stumbled upon this and it had been chats and stuff he had requested from straight girls how would you feel? Its seems obvious to focus on the gay/transexual part but I feel like I would focus on the possible cheating aspect thought. I don’t mind porn but reaching out to contact people to talk about sex, I would not be ok with that.

Post # 13
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Sorry to hear this is all coming out now and that he couldn’t be open and honest with you about it from the beginning. I would highly recommend a couples counselor and have individual sessions with that counselor too. I don’t think it was wrong of you to snoop on the computer/phone at all. In my past I had a boyfriend who was into porn a lot and even worse stuff. I only found out about all the porn and inappropriate internet relationships with other girls by snooping. Eventually I found a very inappropriate text to another girl on his phone and that was the breaking point for me. And believe me, today I’m soooooo glad I snooped because I’d hate to still be stuck with that guy still.

Back to your situation though…I also agree that not everybody is either straight or gay. There is a lot of gray area between. A lot of people are curious about things because they don’t fully understand them. A lot of people are also curious or turned on by some things but don’t intend on acting on them. You just need to talk to him and let him know that he can open up to you and trust you. It’s only fair to both of you that you are honest with each other. Good luck 🙂 

Post # 14
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@MrsPinkPeony: I agree with you completely. It is by nature to be curious about some things but this is cheating when he makes contact with someone about exchanging sexual acts.

Post # 15
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think the real issue isn’t necessarily even looking at transsexual porn, but if he is actively seeking out another sexual partner that isn’t YOU, then you have a whole other issue on your hands, ie, cheating.

On one hand, I’m really sorry you found these things, but on the other, it’s good you found out now before later.

http://www.self.com/health/2008/01/i-married-a-gay-man

Post # 16
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

Are you concerned about him contacting other people or are you concerned about him being bi/gay?

If it’s the former, I think it needs to be discussed. It’s one thing to have a fetish and to look and porn and such, it’s another to be contacting other people. I wouldn’t want my SO having cybersex with people online: male or female!

If it’s the latter, I’m a little confused… why would it be so terrible if he is bi? Are you worried that he may actually be homosexual and may one day leave you for a man? I think it’s a legit concern… my father is gay and only came out of the closet 10 years into his marriage and after having three children! Our family is still very close and my mother and him still very much raised us together, but it was definitely shaky at first. I think you should postpone the wedding until he is more sure of his sexual orientation. It seems to me that he likes both men and women, which is perfectly fine! He seems to love you and love being intimate with you, so I don’t think you have much to worry about. He should just be as sure as possible he likes women before marrying one!

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