(Closed) FI invited the girl he used to hook up with… would you be okay with this?!?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If it’s going to make you upset and uncomfortable at the wedding – I would ask Fiance to uninvite her and explain the situation.  Any normal girl would understand. I have been invited to ex-BF’ weddings before and have declined because I thought it would make the fiancee uncomfortable.  Guys are just dumb sometimes.

Post # 18
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

yea, i totally get why you are upset since he didnt tell you their history…  but i really dont think id be upset if they are friends now and thats it…

Post # 19
Member
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

but you know if they were friends still wouldn’t you have known about it? When DH and I were planning our wedding he was coming up with some weird invite reasons. I had to sit him down and explain that this is not the time for him to invite anyone and everyone he has ever come into contact with. Maybe he just was thinking the same thing? As far as uninviting her and her understnading, you would think that if they were just fbuddies should wouldn’t have rsvpd yes, so I donno if she will be honkey dory with getting an un-invite…..

I would have been upset that I didn’t know the background on this one too.

Post # 20
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

In general I wouldn’t be upset about this. Mainly because they had this ‘relationship’ before he met you.  But for whatever reason, it does creep me out…a lot – I think it is because they both had children when this was going on.

Post # 21
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

It wouldn’t bother me.  My man of honor is going to be my best friend, who was my high school sweetheart that I gave my v-card to. I think I’ll also be inviting another guy friend of mine that I hooked up with in college. I think it would bother me that you specifically brought up the issue of inviting people you have hooked up with, and he didn’t mention it then. I would tell him you’re upset about that, but I don’t think you can uninvite someone.

Post # 22
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Ok, so they used to hook up. no big deal. But whu did he have to tell you NOW? Like, either before the invites or not at all, buddy. what’s wrong with men?!

Post # 24
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I would invite one of you ex boyfriends and see how he feels about it. 🙂

 Childish? Yes. But if my  husband did something like this and couldn’t dig deep into his soul to understand why it was upsetting, I wouldn’t be marrying him.

  Youre in a tough position because you don’t want to be that girl who makes your husband uninvite someone. He should do it himself. Have you sat down and wrote him an email why it makes you uncomfortable? Sometimes I’ve found my husband and I communicate better that way.

Post # 25
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My FI’s ex-girlfriend who he dated for 3 or 4 years (2 years in high school and nearly 2 in college) is coming to our wedding.  

Oh, yeah, and she’s baking our cake.  

I’m not friends with any of my exes so it’s not an issue for me, but I think it’d be fine. 

I’m guessing she’s an adult and she’s moved on.  I realize that it’s really hard for us, because we feel like our FIs are the greatest men on earth and we can’t imagine somebody getting over them, but really, she probably has.  If she hadn’t, you would have seen her in the time you’ve been together.  Or she would call him all the time.  

But I say you are well within your rights to say “no” to somebody you’ve never met coming to the wedding.  But she’s already RSVP’d and is excited? She’s happy for him.  I’m guessing there is a reason they didn’t actually get together, but she cares for him and is glad that he’s happy!

Post # 26
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I really wouldn’t worry about how she acts around you or him on the day of your wedding. If she starts getting out of hand there’ll be lots of family and friends there and I’m sure one of them will step in and put her in her place.

But maybe that’s just my point of view. Personally I would be more angry with FH about not telling me this detail – even if he had just forgotten. It just feels like too big a detail to forget. But I’m sure it’s innocent and, even though it’s hard for you, they are friends now and your FH has the right to have his friend there. Look at it this way – he didn’t ask her to be in his side of the wedding party right? So she’s just another member of the congregation. Admittedly with a history but try not to let yourself dwell on it. You may meet her and think she’s lovely.

Post # 27
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh boy.  He shoulda a) not invited her-how close are they now? b) told you upfront about their sexual relationship c) not said anything about the sexual nature of their “relationship”. <—-I realize that one’s not gonna be popular.  I invited only 1 ex-boyfriend, who I dated 11 years before the wedding.  We did have an intimate relationship, but have been friends for so much longer than we dated.  My husband was mostly OK with this as he likes this guy too (my ex is getting married in the fall, but was not engaged at the time of our wedding).  If hubs had felt strongly about not inviting my ex (I didn’t invite the guy I left for my husband with whom I had a 7 yr relationship), I wouldn’t have, but I was honest about our relationship from the word go.  Maybe your Fiance didn’t realize this was such a big deal  (I don’t see how, but he is a guy.)  At this stage of the game, I can’t see how you can uninvite her without seeming very rude.  You might just have to if you’re going to let it ruin your day.  Just try to put it out of your mind and ask Fiance not to dance with her for instance.  I am sorry -this sucks, but remember, you “won” -he’s marrying YOU; he just hooked up with HER.

Post # 28
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think your anger is justified but misdirected.

What I think you are really mad about is that you didn’t know your fiance and you had such different opinions about what role a person can play in your life if you previously had romantic feelings and/or a physical relationship with them. You agonized over inviting someone who you had feelings for 10 years ago and is a dear friend to you; you even had a heart-to-heart with your fiance over the appropriateness of his invitation. Meanwhile he invited someone he slept with without so much as a word to you about it. Now you feel upset because your sacrifice is so disproportionate to his and you made it without realizing the discrepancy.

This is really a communication issue. You and your fiance disagree, and I think you’ll have to talk and find some middle ground. That might mean you cut your fiance some slack. Your fiance probably didn’t tell you this to avoid making you upset. I’d guess that his history is, well, ancient history to him, not relevant to what their relationship is today. Their current behavior would seem to support this, as you were fine with inviting her until you knew. Likewise, your fiance has got to try to see this from your viewpoint too. Your lengthy discussion over inviting your male friend should have been a giant flag that this issue is important to you, and he shouldn’t have held out on you so long. Personally, I would err toward treating people based on their current behavior, not on what happened years ago before you even knew each other. Good luck and I hope it works out.

Post # 29
Member
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
@Arachna: im with you – i think its just fine to invite her, the reason to be pissed is that he didnt tell you since you made such a big deal of explaining about your Ex from back in the day.

but then again, if its over its over. so why worry?? now if shes some heifer whos trying to steal your man or is mean to you or something, thats one thing, but if shes nice then i dont see a problem.

Post # 30
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

LOL, I am a terrible judge at this. Not only are most of my serious ex boyfriends now close friends of mine who will be in attendance….But, my first ex-fiancee ran off with another woman and got married and, well, she didn’t know about me when it happened so I had no reason to resent her – in an odd twist of fate she and I wound up friends and the two of them are now divorced. She will be one of my bridesmaids and he will be e a guest. Before my Fiance admitted he liked me he was just a guy friend who, of all things, third wheeled on Dates with me. LMAO, so really, I’m so over feeling “ackward”…. My social life is like the Hotel California. People check out, but they never leave. So, why not just have everyone at my big party. Hehehee….I know all this sounds like drama but it all reality, its not… Its just a big, flawed group of people who I love and who love me and its all that matters…

Post # 31
Member
961 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

It certainly depends entirely on BOTH of your comfortability with the situation, but the fact that you weren’t aware of it, can be hurtful, no doubt.

However, not only have both my FH and I invited people we used to date and are still friends with, but his ex-gf is moving in with us a week before we get married (so that we can start saving money for a house).  I knew before I even met her that she was an ex that he was still friends with.  in the first month or so of our engagement she had a crisis that she called him to respond to, and I told him I didn’t think he was the appropriate person to respond – but it was up to him.  He told her that he couldn’t help and that perhaps she could be more aware of how his life has changed now that he is engaged.  No problems what so ever with her since – and she’s turned out to be a good friend for me, too.

Honesty can save a lot of the heartache involved in this sort of situation – but remembering that he is marrying you and vice versa, should be a clear indication of where his heart is.

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