(Closed) FI is concerned that I won't fit into his relaxed lifestyle.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
9567 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

Is it possible for you to move out but not into your FI’s home? Like on your own or with roommates?

Post # 5
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you have your own money, why not get your own place? It does seem silly for someone in their 20’s to allow their parents to continue ruling over them as if they were still a teenager. It was good of your FI to bring this up – it’s a legitimate concern for anyone who doesn’t move out of their parents’ home before moving in with their SO/FI. Going from one to the other is almost always a huge mess.

You need to separate yourself from your parents and learn how to be an adult before you marry. It would be good for both of you — especially, you, though. 

Post # 6
7872 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sunshinewish15:  “I am in my 20s and am expected to ASK permission if I want to go out (in my own car with my own money I might add).

If you just go out without permission, simply saying what you’re doing and when you’ll be back, what’s the worst thing that can happen? My oldest (adult) daughter is probably younger than you, and that’s all I expect of her. I’d never dream of telling her she needs my permission.

@StephieBee:  It needn’t be a mess. I went from living at home to living with my husband (as did a lot of my Christian friends) and while there were teething problems, it certainly wasn’t a huge mess.

Post # 7
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@sunshinewish15:  I kind of understand. I live at home, too and will run things by my parents, but not necessarily ask for permission. They just like to know my plans and know that I am okay. Plus I have a dog and they take care of her when I’m not around as she adores my parents and vice versa. I think you’ll adjust, though to not asking for permission and such. Your parents need to let go of the leash they’ve been keeping you on. I think you should start telling your parents when you’re leaving to go somewhere, etc rather than asking them if you can go somewhere or do something. They will adjust to you becoming an adult. Remind them that you are getting married soon and you can make your own adult choices now.

Post # 8
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@aussiemum1248:  That’s why I said, “almost always.” 😉 I have only seen these types of relationships crash and burn because those involved didn’t have much adult life experience and then moved in with their spouse. I would never, ever recommend it – especially if OP is already having problems living an adult life as it is. 

Post # 9
9567 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@sunshinewish15:  You should be ok when you move in with your FI, it just might take a while to get used to not having to ask permission for everything!

Post # 10
6361 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t think you will have any major problem adjusting as long as you take seriously that you have learned some bad habits from your parents’ problematic approach, and you really need to assert your independence.

As other PPs mentioned, this will be much more likely to be successful if you are on your own for some time first. Even if it is financially tight, it’s worth moving out.

Post # 13
2609 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@sunshinewish15:  First, your FI doesn’t “give” you permission or freedom – they’re already yours.  

Why are you still living at home?  I think it would be a very good thing for you to live independently for awhile.  Going from your parents home directly into a marriage doesn’t provide you any opportunity to ever just be an individual, running your life as you see fit.  That’s a really, really valuable experience to have.  

I would recommend that you get your own apartment.  Or hell, even a room or basement in someone else’s house.  

Post # 14
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Rebar

@sunshinewish15:  I understand what you are going through. Perhaps it’s not the same but it can compare a bit. I live in a very traditional Christian homes with very traditional values. I can’t move out till I’m married or live with a bf. of course I’ve respected this for now. But my Fi is a bit more spirited and not very traditional. We’ve had our clash or ideas…and several fights as to how it will be when we get married and when we have kids. I’ve honestly found compromising is the best solution. Even though we may not find a perfect medium we have managed to find a satisfying medium for both. absolutely talk to him….I am certain it will help.

Post # 15
9692 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Zhabeego:  +1. 

My guess is parents like that will be controlling even when you do move out, OP. People will only treat you how you let them. Stop tolerating it.

Post # 16
2534 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You can ignore them, or you can move out (which may not be the best financially, but would be the best for your adult development and freedom) 

I know you’re Catholic, and youre “not supposed to,” live together before marriage, but is that a choice that YOU are making or that your PARENTS are making for you?

If it’s the parents, I say move in with your fiance.
If it’s your choice, obviously keep on keepin’ on what you’re doing.

In your shoes, I would stop telling them when I was going out, where I was going, etc.
I would just start LEAVING when I want without ever running it by them – it may be their house but they have no right to know what you are doing, where/when/with who/etc as an adult.
If they put up a stink about it… that’s on them, not you.
You don’t have to put up with that crap, you’re not a teenager anymore.

FI and I live (together) in his mom’s house right now… even though I’m sure she’d like to know, we don’t tell her when/where we’re going out. We just head out the door. If she’s in the livingroom, sometimes we say “We’ll be back, see you later!” But usually we just head right out the door.

The BEST solution would be to move out one way or another (a friend of mine even rented a room in a house, it wasn’t ideal but it got her out of her parent’s house), and I think you know that.
The money savings isn’t worth the cost of your personal freedom. :/

Hope things get better!

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