Post # 1
My Fiance and I are both Catholic and not supposed to live together before marriage, so he has his own house and I currently live at home until we marry. Ever since I was young I have always felt very tense at home because my mum is a bit OCD and if I get told to do say a chore or project I have to do it at the exact time I’m told (none of this, “Can you please do a load of washing today”, it’s always “I need you to do such and such right now”). I am in my 20s and am expected to ASK permission if I want to go out (in my own car with my own money I might add).
Believe me, years ago when I was a teenager I had words with my parents about this and they said they were be less pushy but after a few weeks it is always the same thing. At home I’m not an adult. Fiance is worried because when I stay with him at his home I always ask his permission to do anything (this is out of habit, because at home I am used to it). He told me today that he is concerned about me because he doesn’t understand why a grown adult would need to do this, especially when I become his wife and am allowed freedom.
I seriously feel like I’m going a bit crazy right now. I love my Fiance to bits and he gives me the freedom to do what I please and he is so supportive, but I always feel on edge and paranoid. Staying with him and doing chores together is like a holiday compared to having to have my whole life structured out in front of me. I don’t exactly know what I’m looking for, maybe some advice or even to know if anyone else has ever felt this way. I am just worried that once we do get married that I will cause problems for Fiance and struggle to get past this messed up feeling I have within me.
Post # 3
Is it possible for you to move out but not into your FI’s home? Like on your own or with roommates?
Post # 4
It could be possible and I have done so before, but for now my wage isn’t the best and living at home is the most affordable option. I became very ill last year and couldn’t work for a while, so living at home became an option which meant I could live closer to work and be able to have savings. Our wedding day is about 6 months away.
Post # 5
If you have your own money, why not get your own place? It does seem silly for someone in their 20’s to allow their parents to continue ruling over them as if they were still a teenager. It was good of your Fiance to bring this up – it’s a legitimate concern for anyone who doesn’t move out of their parents’ home before moving in with their SO/FI. Going from one to the other is almost always a huge mess.
You need to separate yourself from your parents and learn how to be an adult before you marry. It would be good for both of you — especially, you, though.
Post # 6
@sunshinewish15: “I am in my 20s and am expected to ASK permission if I want to go out (in my own car with my own money I might add).“
If you just go out without permission, simply saying what you’re doing and when you’ll be back, what’s the worst thing that can happen? My oldest (adult) daughter is probably younger than you, and that’s all I expect of her. I’d never dream of telling her she needs my permission.
It needn’t be a mess. I went from living at home to living with my husband (as did a lot of my Christian friends) and while there were teething problems, it certainly wasn’t a huge mess.
Post # 7
@sunshinewish15: I kind of understand. I live at home, too and will run things by my parents, but not necessarily ask for permission. They just like to know my plans and know that I am okay. Plus I have a dog and they take care of her when I’m not around as she adores my parents and vice versa. I think you’ll adjust, though to not asking for permission and such. Your parents need to let go of the leash they’ve been keeping you on. I think you should start telling your parents when you’re leaving to go somewhere, etc rather than asking them if you can go somewhere or do something. They will adjust to you becoming an adult. Remind them that you are getting married soon and you can make your own adult choices now.
Post # 8
That’s why I said, “almost always.” 😉 I have only seen these types of relationships crash and burn because those involved didn’t have much adult life experience and then moved in with their spouse. I would never, ever recommend it – especially if OP is already having problems living an adult life as it is.
Post # 9
You should be ok when you move in with your Fiance, it just might take a while to get used to not having to ask permission for everything!
Post # 10
I don’t think you will have any major problem adjusting as long as you take seriously that you have learned some bad habits from your parents’ problematic approach, and you really need to assert your independence.
As other PPs mentioned, this will be much more likely to be successful if you are on your own for some time first. Even if it is financially tight, it’s worth moving out.
Post # 11
I can understand where you are coming from and thank you for your comments. In regards to having an adult life I do already (and am capable) to cook, clean, pay bills and take care of myself, but it’s this habit and bad anxiety from the pressure I have put on me that is making me feel ill emotionally. I have lived away from home too but until I am able to work full time (im currently working part time and recovering from inflammation of my bowel) I don’t feel I am in a good position to leave home without Fiance financially supporting me before marriage, even though I know he is more than happy to.
Post # 12
Thank you for replying, I think you get my situation quite well. I have used the “I’m going to _____ I will be home this afternoon” approach before and often do but it only works in some situations. I have argued before when they have said to stay home and I have tried to explain that I am old enough and able to follow through with my own plans but at times they still want to argue. They are used to controlling me and until I move out I am expected to live by their rules so I try to be ‘adult’ by giving them plenty of notice of my plans and not disrespecting their wishes. But it is tiring living such a structured life all the time.
Post # 13
@sunshinewish15: First, your Fiance doesn’t “give” you permission or freedom – they’re already yours.
Why are you still living at home? I think it would be a very good thing for you to live independently for awhile. Going from your parents home directly into a marriage doesn’t provide you any opportunity to ever just be an individual, running your life as you see fit. That’s a really, really valuable experience to have.
I would recommend that you get your own apartment. Or hell, even a room or basement in someone else’s house.
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2014 - Rebar
@sunshinewish15: I understand what you are going through. Perhaps it’s not the same but it can compare a bit. I live in a very traditional Christian homes with very traditional values. I can’t move out till I’m married or live with a bf. of course I’ve respected this for now. But my Fi is a bit more spirited and not very traditional. We’ve had our clash or ideas…and several fights as to how it will be when we get married and when we have kids. I’ve honestly found compromising is the best solution. Even though we may not find a perfect medium we have managed to find a satisfying medium for both. absolutely talk to him….I am certain it will help.
Post # 15
My guess is parents like that will be controlling even when you do move out, OP. People will only treat you how you let them. Stop tolerating it.
Post # 16
You can ignore them, or you can move out (which may not be the best financially, but would be the best for your adult development and freedom)
I know you’re Catholic, and youre “not supposed to,” live together before marriage, but is that a choice that YOU are making or that your PARENTS are making for you?
If it’s the parents, I say move in with your fiance.
If it’s your choice, obviously keep on keepin’ on what you’re doing.
In your shoes, I would stop telling them when I was going out, where I was going, etc.
I would just start LEAVING when I want without ever running it by them – it may be their house but they have no right to know what you are doing, where/when/with who/etc as an adult.
If they put up a stink about it… that’s on them, not you.
You don’t have to put up with that crap, you’re not a teenager anymore.
Fiance and I live (together) in his mom’s house right now… even though I’m sure she’d like to know, we don’t tell her when/where we’re going out. We just head out the door. If she’s in the livingroom, sometimes we say “We’ll be back, see you later!” But usually we just head right out the door.
The BEST solution would be to move out one way or another (a friend of mine even rented a room in a house, it wasn’t ideal but it got her out of her parent’s house), and I think you know that.
The money savings isn’t worth the cost of your personal freedom. :/
Hope things get better!