(Closed) FI is controlled by his mother's opinions. Venting. Grr

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Arganique:  I’m all for compromising and each person voicing their opinion about tasks, but your FI’s argument lacks common sense and this warrants further discussion. 

Painting is annoying and it’s even harder with furniture in the place. Do it Sunday with the help of your volunteers. 

This might not be a big deal. Or this could be a sign that you need to talk more about how your parents beliefs will influence your interactions, especially when they aren’t around.

ETA: How will she know you’re painting? Are you supposed to spending family time together on Sundays? Or does he share every boring detail about life with his mom?

 

Post # 6
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I didnt read through your entire post..and I’m not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to make you chuckle…have you ever watched sex and the city? The show, not the movies. 

There is an episode where Trays mom controls him and Charlotte catches on so she starts acting like his mom by using the same mind tricks to get what she wants…the title of this post made me think of that episode. lol. 

Post # 8
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

Ridiculous!

Absolutely do it anyway, with or without him.  If it’s not against your faith, it’s not your problem, and if mom gets her panties in a wad, maybe it’s good for her.  She needs to get used to not having her every whim accommodated. 

Post # 9
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Arganique:  I just hope for one thing and one thing only. I hope that once we move in together, he’ll grow a pair, and be able to think for himself, without having his mom influence his every thought.


Hate to sound negative, but don’t count on that happening. In fact, I would count on that NOT happening. Marrying someone with the hope that some key element like this is going to change…well, it doesn’t usually work out. You have every right to be pissed, and I think that it’s time to have a serious discussion with him about the fact that his priorities are screwed up here. I’d put money on him saying he doesn’t want to upset either one of you and whines about being stuck in the middle. Well, he shouldn’t e in the middle because he should be on YOUR side – you’re about to be his wife! And depending on how that conversation goes and whether or not he actually commits to and follows through with changing, it could also be time to decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life. How will this affect future decisions about your home and life? Your decisions about how to raise your children? You get the idea…I know it’s hard, but it’s something you really need to carefully consider now rather than later.

Post # 10
Member
3754 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Do it anyway. That is absolutely ridiculous! It will be SOO much easier to paint without all the furniture and boxes. Have your volunteers help you and don’t pressure FI to join so you don’t get pegged as the bad guy. You already agreed to the plan… Not fair for him to just change it because “his mom doesnt approve” when it does not affect her whatsoever.

Post # 11
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Arganique:  I am so sorry for you two. A helicopter mother is tough to deal with. I hope that this is something you can work through together. He needs to cut the umbilical cord! I can just imagine the phonecall: “Hi Mom? Are you having a nice Sunday? I sure am, sitting here, watching paint dry…Oh I’m sorry mom I know you don’t like me to do heavy work on Sunday” 😀 That’s crazy talk!

 

Does she live near you or do you at least have some physical distance to serve as a buffer? If she’s the type of person to make him feel guilty about making his own choices without her influence, it’s going to be a long road. I recognize this pattern because my own mother used to be this way, until I moved in with my FH (though I admit this was not a quick fix). It actually took us moving 1200 miles away before I was able to develop a healthier relationship with my mom. We’ve finally come to an understanding of each other, with her respecting me as an adult and we have a healthy sense of boundaries.

@MissMudge:  I was also thinking of Tray and his mother in this scenario!

Post # 13
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Wonderstruck:  I’d agree with you that just the fact that a child is married doesn’t mean an intrusive parent with back off. I think the child has to be motivated to change the relationship for the sake of their own, new family.

Post # 14
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Arganique:  That is so annoying. I’d just tell him he doesn’t have to but you will going on as planned with or without him.  If he feels guilty and joins you, then so be it.  He should stick to the original plan or at least consult you about the change and give you a valid reason why!

Post # 15
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Arganique:  Glad you liked the advice =)  And I totally understand what you mean about the MIL thing, mine isn’t as bad as yours but she doesn’t hesitate to laugh and say why our way is silly if she disagrees with a decision of my and my DH’s. THat’s why I always try to really emphasize in these sort of situations how important it is for your FI to handle it. There’s absolutely no need for her to know you said something about it, because that does put you right in the spot of being ‘that girl’ whose MIL doesn’t like her because her FI decided to throw her under the bus rather than stand up to his mom. Ideally, like you said, he’ll grow a pair, go ahead with the original plan, and if his mom questions it say something like, “This is the day that works best for me; I know you wouldn’t choose to do it that day, but it was my decision and there were a lot of reasons this is most convenient.” And if she argues he can pretty much just repeat himself. There’s no reason you even need  to be part of the discussion he has with her.

Post # 16
Member
9833 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

You sound really sweet. That makes this harder to say, but I have to agree with @ wonder struck. This is not going to get better with time. I’m afraid you’re going to have to either be that girl or get run over for the rest of your life. I would choose the first choice. You can tell him you love how close he is to his mom, but now that you are starting a life together, it’s time for him to make decisions with you and stick to them, since this is your home and your life. Certainly he doesn’t tell his mwhat’s override his dad, right? 

Good luck, and if I were you, I’d be painting on Sunday, but that’s just me. I wouldn’t let anyone trick me into painting around boxes and moving furniture around if I could avoid it. But really, that’s not the main issue. Get this straightened out re his moms authority over your decisions. 

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