Post # 1
Last night, my FI and I had a long conversation about the issues going on with the relationship between me and his mom. I’ve written about it a lot on the bee, so I won’t go into details, but basically she’s the type of woman who will hate anyone who marries her son. We’ve been together for almost 7 years, got engaged just before our 6-year anniversary. Until the engagement, she did her absolute best to pretend I didn’t exist. The first time we saw his parents after getting engaged, his mom really went at me and insulted almost everything about me. His aunt then accused me of wanting a wedding and not a marriage, based only on a joke I made before FI and I were even engaged. Everyone just sat there and said nothing (I was caught too off guard to defend myself, and just smiled and nodded as she basically told me everything wrong with me), mostly because they’re used to his mom being “opinionated.” Since then, both my FFIL and FSIL have told his mom that she was out of line. FI tried to talk to her, but he ended up saying the complete wrong things and not really making progress.
Our current issue is that I have 100% accepted that his mom will never like me, will always find something wrong with me, and that the best we can do is be polite and cordial during family events. I do not want/need her approval and I don’t care if she loves me or hates me. My FI is still holding out hope that the relationship will get better. It really upsets him that two people he loves do not get along. He completely agrees that his mom was out of line and that the ball is in her court to apologize and try to make amends. He plans on talking to her about it.
I just… really don’t see anything changing. And that frustrates my FI to no end. He thinks that me accepting the situation is the same as me being closed off to any progress. I explained that for my own metal health I need to not care at all about his mom, because if I cared about the relationship then I would have to care about all of the terrible things she’s done/said and then I wouldn’t ever be able to be around her. By not caring at all how the relationship is or what she thinks, I’m able to be around her, talk to her, etc. I told him that whenever he brings up anything related to him caring abut the relationship, it makes me feel like we’re not a team and he’s not on my side. He said he understands that, but he also said that he’s still positive that things will get better.
Is it weird that I want my FI to give up all hope on this? I think he’s setting himself up for disappointment. I’m worried that his need for the relationship between me and his mom to be better will eventually turn into resentment toward me. I really wish he just didn’t care, and let his relationship with his mom be its own thing. Am I just being a total pessimist?
Post # 2
Let me tell you something. When my dad first dated, got engaged, and married my mother, my grandma(my dads mom) didn’t like my mom and they only had a cordial relationship. As time went on and my mom gave birth to my older sister and I, my mom and my dads mom(my grandma) developed a better relationship and now they are somewhat close. At least closer then they were before. She now loves and cares about my mom
should your fi give up hope? Absolutely not. just don’t give up hope, don’t force the relationship and things will slowly come together and the relationship will grow as time goes on.
Post # 3
TGold: I honestly think that it is too soon for you to decide that it is never going to het better and if it doesn’t get better your FI will be resentful because you (for lack of a better word) gave up too soon. Don’t you think that he also feels like you aren’t a team every time you try to convince him that it’s never going to work?
I realise that you have been together for 7 years but truly any relationship with her didn’t start until a year ago when you got engaged and she finally acknowledged your existence. I think you have to restart the clock and start thinking of it as only having tried for a year. He accepts that the ball is in her court to apologise so you really don’t have to do anything yet anyway. If you aim for the stars you might at least fall into the treetops but if you aim for nothing then that’s all you are going to get.
I just know that if it was me I would try for a few years longer for my FI’s sake and the sake of children (if you want them) who surely would want their mother and grandmother to get along. I’m not saying that you are ever going to go on lunch dates together or anything but hopefully something slightly warmer than just politeness will eventually form.
Post # 4
TGold: I can totally see it from both sides. I can definitely understand (and agree with) your feelings in needing to let it be (you’re stronger than I would be!) and I can also understand why he is still hoping it will get better.
If you are worried he will start to resent you for this or that you feel perhaps he’s not on your team with this issue, do you think its something you should talk to a couples therapist about? I may be jumping to conclusions but I think your concern could be a ligitimate one and in-laws can cause HUGE issues in a marriage (i’ve seen a marriage almost fall apart first hand because of it). I certainly don’t mean to scare you but perhaps an outsiders professional opinion could help you both find a middle ground and to understand eachothers feelings better (and to help you decide how you will deal with this in future!)
Stay strong! I really hope you don’t have to deal with that behaviour from her forever!
Post # 5
As someone who has been where you are, I can understand your feelings.
My first husband’s mother acted exactly the same way. We were together 3 years before we got engaged, and she acted like I didn’t exist that whole time. I doubt she said more than 50 words to me all those years. It really upset me, and I did my best to break the ice, but she was like a brick wall.
We got married, and then she was all over me like a rash. But for me, it was too little, too late. By that point, I just didn’t want a relationship with her. I was never rude, always civil, helpful etc but that was it.
It sounds like you have explained your position to your FI well. Until I got a sincere apology, a honest admittance of what she said was wrong, I wouldn’t want a closer relationship with her either. About 3 years ago FFIL blamed me for a situation that was entirely FI’s fault. Even though FI stuck up for me, he still wanted me to apologise to FFIL. I refused, told him that I didn’t care that it was his father, I do not apologise to anyone when I have done nothing wrong. Sounds like your FI is like mine, has a hard time accepting that his parent could actually be the one in the wrong.
Post # 6
Ap2010: Everdeen: Miss_E_xx: Baal: Thank you all for your advice. You made some good points, and I will try to be more flexible on the issue. I’m really the type of person who, when someone clearly doesn’t like me, immediately cuts them out and doesn’t devote any more time to it. Not being able to do that because this person is FI’s mom is really taking a lot for me and going against all of my normal behavior and personality.<br />