(Closed) FI just got fired….

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I am really sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your Fiance could use some help financial planning. I know our credit union offers this free of charge. It would be such a huge stress on you to be responsible for all the finiancial aspects of your relationship. I hope he is able to find something soon.

I would also maybe curb the honeymoon until you know where you sit better finiancially:(

Post # 4
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m sorry you are going through this however I have to agree with you that this is a red flag. The common denominator in this losing of jobs is him. People show you who they are and you need to believe them.

Post # 5
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You’re right to be smart about this. If someone repeatedly gets terminated from a job, unfair manager or not, that’s not a normal pattern of behavior. I’ve had managers I didn’t necessarily jive with in the past, but I was getting my work done and doing a good job so I was never fired. Walked away voluntarily sure, but not fired.

That coupled with money issues means it is only going to get more difficult in the future, and once you’re married you might feel trapped having to clean up someone else’s mistakes. When he can’t hold a job or can’t manage his credit cards and bills, that burden is going to fall onto YOUR shoulders. You can have all the love in the world for someone, but if they aren’t pulling their weight, it can wreak havoc on a relationship. The fact that he also isn’t seeking help for suspected ADHD and his money troubles (and soundslike he could benefit from career counseling) sounds like he doesn’t have much drive to improve his own situation for your future’s sake.

I don’t think I’d proceed with any wedding plans until these issues are resolved.

Post # 6
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I wouldn’t necessarily call of the wedding, but I agree that you need to come to some understanding BEFORE the wedding. The worrying thing about the situations isn’t how long he kept the jobs but how frequently he has problems with his supervisors. This means they likely won’t give very good reccomendations. It also makes me wonder about his professionality at work. If he is professional, he may dislike his supervisors- but they shouldn’t have any reason to dislike him. Maybe he is too candid at work and needs to work at that.

While I’m not usually one to immediately suggest counseling, I do think if he worked with a counselor about these issues, he could improve his communication skills so that he can keep a job for a longer period of time.

Money issues can be a big deal, and I think its a good move to make sure things are figured out to some extent before the wedding. That said, would you prefer to carry the bills in your relationship if you get the benefit of a loving, attentive husband? Forget about how your family and friends would feel for a moment- how would you feel without him in your life?

Post # 7
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@KatieLu:  I think that if you are having these many worries about him, his work ethic, and his financial planning, you need to rethink things. I don’t think any bee can say “call it off!” or “do it!” because we don’t know you or him or the exact situation from all sides.

I do think, that if you are having these doubts, you should consider pushing back the wedding and seeking councilling to resolve these issues.

Post # 8
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

i agree that financial planning would really help your relationship, however I would be concerned that he wouldn’t really take it to heart and do anything about it.. Does he know the severity of how much this is is stressing you out and why you are worried? IMO I see a reoccurring pattern, and at least for me something drastic would have to happen before the wedding for me to be comfortable spending the rest of my life with someone. I would be a little more understanding if he was younger, but he is old enough that he should be thinking about the long term implications here.

 

I think in addition to financial planning you guys need to have a serious conversation and maybe even some therapy. I wouldn’t walk into a marriage with such a huge worry, it seems like a recipie for disaster if you don’t adress it now

Post # 9
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I had an ex that was like that.  It was so hard, we had to keep updating his resume, and going without pay for a few weeks as he was constantly settling into a new job.   It was really hard on us.

But, he was irresponsible with his bills and everything else he did.  

I would see if he was open to taking some sort of counseling about how to deal with conflict at work and see how open he is to it. 

Post # 10
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Everyone has somebody at work that they don’t like working with. But, guess what? You have to suck it up and learn to get along with all types of people to be a successful adult….a lesson it seems like he hasn’t learned. His prior immaturity and this current pattern are really, really concerning. I honestly wouldn’t marry someone like this until they demonstrated being able to keep a job for 2+ years to me (my own personal benchmark). Stability and maturity are too important to a marriage to take this lightly!

Post # 11
Member
9649 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ve been in a similar situation and it was awful.  If you do proceed with marriage please protect yourself financially until you get some proof that he can be responsible with money and employment.  By protect yourself I mean do not get any joint credit cards or bank accounts with him.  Or, if you do get a joint account be sure to keep an account for yourself that he has no access to.  Don’t put his name on the deed to your house.  If/when he proves himself you can relax a bit, but until he proves himself in that way you could be asking for trouble.  I’ve seen it happen too many times.  It doesn’t mean don’t marry him or that he isn’t a wonderful and caring guy.  He may just be bad with money.  Don’t allow youself to be vulnerable financially and let him ruin your credit or waste your hard-earned money.  It’s just being practical.

Post # 12
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would advise you to put a hold on the wedding plans until you and he have a frank talk about money and your expectations. Unfortunately I know persons like your Fiance who have problems with bosses regardless of where they work. His personality type might not lend well to authority figures telling him what to do. As such, is there any way for him to become self employed- be his own boss? This is one option for him to earn while remaining happy.

Post # 13
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  It is a tough situation to be in, particularly with everybody knowing you’re engaged and planning a wedding.  One of my girlfriends went through this during college.  Her ex-boyfriend failed out of college and couldn’t keep a job longer than 1 year.  In fact, for every new job he got, he was fired quicker than the old job.  He was also very irresponsible with his money.  This was a huge red flag for her and obviously was a deal breaker.  On the other hand, another girlfriend of mine is happily married to a man who never went to college and works odd-jobs.  She is the primary breadwinner and is happy to take care of him because he provides her with emotional love/ support.  

What it really comes down to is what you value more important in a marriage.  Is him being able to contribute equally in terms of finance important to you?  Or are you ok with taking care of the family as long as he is a good husband?  Is it possible that he wants to be a stay-at-home dad (if you are planning on children)?

In regards to him possibly having ADD/ADHD, I think this is highly unlikely because he was able to go back to school and finish with a high GPA.  I don’t think he would have been able to achieve that while having attention problems because it would have made paying attention in class and studying nearly impossible, particularly without the help of medication.  That said, I’m not a doctor, so it may be wise for him to get checked, if anything, as a R/O.

I agree with the PP who mentioned his personality may not mesh well with authority figures, and thus is why he has difficulties with his supervisors.  He may not even be aware of why he doesn’t get along with his supervisors and is feeling just as frustrated as you are. I really don’t know what to suggest other than counseling if this is the case.

Good luck to you!  And I wish you all the best!

Post # 15
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I would not marry him right now. I’m not saying YOU shouldn’t, but I know I couldn’t. I actually have a lot of anxiety about money and would not be able to trust that he’ll be able to provide for himself. I don’t need a man to take care of me, but I need to know I’m not going to be taking care of my man as long as he’s physically capable of working. It seems like he has always been this way, which means he always WILL be this way unless he takes some steps toward changing. The fact that he can’t get along with managers at EVERY JOB he’s ever had is a red flag to me. You mentioned ADHD, I wonder if there isn’t some sort of mental condition that is limiting him. He needs to make steps to see a doctor and show that he is serious about wanting to change.

Post # 16
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

My ex was like that and I know that for me personally, that was a big factor into not wanting to marry him. Same situation except he dropped out of school instead of flunked. Got some good paying jobs and just couldn’t get along with someone and either quit or got fired and stuck to low-paying ones.

The way I see it is if he’s bad at financial things, that means you would take up most of that responsibility which includes both your money and his. My ex admitted this and told me he would let me handle his money but honestly, who wants to be a grown man who has to ask his wife for an allowance? No matter what he said, I knew it would cause fights and problems in the long run.

Like you said, the big picture isn’t so much how much money he makes as it is about his work ethic and (in my opinion) the maturity of handling money. I think it’s a big issue and something you definitely need to work out with financial counselling/training before marrying him

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