Post # 1
As I type this post my fiance is in the shower, his cat is curled up and sleeping next to me, and I’m sipping cocoa and feeling wrapped up in a blanket of domestic bliss. I’m so happy he’s here.
I’ve only lived with a man once before, and it didn’t go well. (Although that’s probably because the relationship was already pretty dysfunctional when we signed the lease.) Those of you that have been living with your fiance or husband for awhile, what advice can you give me? How can I make sure that my home stays happy now that my personal space isn’t so personal anymore?
Post # 3
This sounds so boring what I am about to write.
Be sure you know whos chore is whose. Nothing starts more fights among newly living then someone feeling like they do more than the other, or someone doesnt move fast enough etc.
How are bills paid? How much is going towards joint expenses? Savings?
Are your hours of sleep similar?
Post # 4
@lefeymw: No, no, boring practical advice is just what I need!
We’re paying our individual bills out of our own checking accounts, and we’re going halfsies on all the shared ones. We each contribute a little to our 401K plans, and right now we’ve got a plan for how to save up for wedding and honeymoon expenses.
I like to stay up later than he does, but that’s only because I basically never want to go to sleep. I’m like a toddler. I fight it as long as I can. When we’re together, though, I’m happy to go to bed when he does.
Post # 5
Find a way to share the workload, whether that means he always takes out the trash and you always vacuum. Or visa versa. Or it could mean when you see he’s done the dishes one night, you make sure you grab it first the next time.
Make him breakfast in bed tomorrow… and whenever you can in the future.
Don’t sweat it if he leaves his dirty laundry on the floor or takes his socks off while sitting on the couch and then throws them in the general direction of the laundry room but sometimes hits the wall and they slide down and land on the dog (Oh, oops… that was a vent, phew, sorry!)
Pay attention to his personal space. Does he prefer bathroom privacy or is it no big deal? And then respect his space.
If you’re going to the kitchen, ask him if he needs anything. It’s not old-fashioned. It’s nice. And little things like that go a long way toward building appreciation for each other.
Pay attention to the little things.
Here’s what Darling Husband said when I read your post to him: “Make your first thought about your Fiance (the same goes for him). If there’s conflict, be introspective first and speak kindly to each other.”
ETA: Well, maybe my advice isn’t what you’re looking for? I’m not the practical one in my relationship! 🙂
Post # 6
Great advice above! The biggest thing for me to get used to (and still need to remind myself) is that we grew up in different set of “rules” at our parents’ house. I came from the strict wash your dishes after you eat,make your bed when you wake up vs. leave clothes on floor and dishes in sink. So I guess my advice is to remember to not be a nag for certain things that may drive you crazy and to meet each other in the middle. Fiance only cooks pasta (or anything that involves boiling water ;)) so we compromise that I’ll wash the dishes if he cooks and vice versa. Also, this might sound like complete common sense… But, always remember to give a hug/kiss before leaving the house. It really is the little things that matter most!
Post # 7
@Melie12: Aww, I was going to add the kiss before leaving the house advice, but I thought I was already too mushy! 🙂
Post # 8
Can I add, respect each other. AND TELL him if something is bothing you, what you expect out of him and what you love that he already does. Communication is key. What you do for him, he should do for you in an equitable way, if not the same. You ask him what he wants in the kitchen, he should offer you a glass of water when he goes.
You offer to do the laundry, he should should offer to wash the toilet.
Post # 9
@lefeymw: Exactly. Balance and communication. Respect and honesty. (Good advice)
Post # 10
Just remember that every night doesn’t have to be a picture-perfect date night. In the beginning I tried to cook something new every night, have a movie on hand for after dinner, and be ready for boomboom every now and then.
It’s okay to come home, put on some sweats, make yourself a grilled cheese, and just go to bed. Don’t forget to take care of YOU too…. but have fun!
Post # 11
I second the stuff about the chores. Make sure to have some set responsibilities, and be flexible on the rest. I’d also say make some time for each other every day. Fiance and I eat dinner every night and we have couple time before bed. And we always kiss goodnight :-). Other than that, enjoy it! I lovelivingtogether wpith our dog and feeling like a family. It amazes me how many years I spent sleeping alone, only to know feel like home is us lying in bed together at night.
Post # 12
@jjmomma: I agree about the socks! haha. My DH’s are everywhere!
My Darling Husband always says I have to ask him if I want him to do something like clean up the kitchen before I get home…even though I think I shouldn’t have to ask. So make sure you know how the other feels about things.
I agree to know whos chores are what. And You should start talking about how bills will be done when you get married so you are prepared.
Post # 13
@jjmomma: I love that your example was that he always takes out the trash – because he DOES always take out the trash. Even before he moved in, nine times out of ten it was him doing it instead of me or my roommate. It’s pretty adorable how protective of it he is. If we try to do it, he’s like a little kid, going, “No, no! That’s MY job!”
Thanks for all your advice. It’s giving me a lot to think about.
Post # 14
I know everybody says it, but communication! People aren’t mind readers, so if you’re upset about something he has no way of knowing if you don’t tell him. And vise versa.
Post # 15
PPs mentioned pretty much everything, but I’ll still share =) Communications is definitely key! Yes you shouldn’t sweat the small stuff but if something is really bothering you, you need to speak up. You shouldn’t turn into his maid, but I’m sure there are things you do that bother him too (I know that goes for Darling Husband and I). Also, divvying up chores will help your relationship. Darling Husband and I had one of our biggest fights over this when we first moved in together and once put everything on the table, talked through it and decided who would do what. We still bicker but it’s usually about something else, because one of us is tired or stressed. Also, give each other space. I like to have my time by myself watching my shows or reading and he likes his time to play xbox or watch his shows. Just because you’re living together doesn’t mean you need to spend every second together. We also share the responsibility of cooking and dishes like PP said, if I cook, he cleans up and vice versa. But most of all, it takes time! You may think you know your Fiance, but you will be discovering so many new things about him everyday. Darling Husband and I were together for 9 years before we bought our house and started living together and boy was I surprised by how much I learned and am still learning after a year and a half!
Post # 16
Lots of great advice on here already!
Like many have said before you both grew up with different rules and have different routines so communicating about merging them was the biggest thing for us. We also have very variable schedules so communication about the lack of routine on chores and such is still big for us after 4 years of living together.
Be flexible and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to make it the ‘perfect’ home.
He already loves you for who you are so if you’re not the perfect housewife, you’ll both live!