(Closed) FI just told me my weight is causing is low sex drive :(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
557 posts
Busy bee

Does he have knowledge of your past eating disorder?! I am someone who has recovered from an eating disorder and I know that if my SO said that to me it would send me over the edge and I would probably end up back in the hospital again. Please do not let his comments ruin all the work you have done to be HEALTHY. It isn’t about size…it is about over all health.

Post # 4
9944 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@UKbee:  *  Hugs *  Ouch, I know how that hurts.  My husband made a comment years ago, when we were dating, about my weight and still to this day I haven’t completely forgiven him, lol.  But, hey, guys say dumb things sometimes.  Try to accept his apology and explain to him you’re doing the best you can in life to manage everything, including your health and weight.  The same as he is!  But his rejecting you sexually is not ok and he needs to hear that.  He is not a perfect person, either, and he needs to hear that too.  Let him off the hook since he seems sincerely apologetic but also keep the conversation going so the two of you can get back on the same page.  You should be able to talk through things together, not keep them bottled up inside alone.

Post # 5
4844 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ouch. That’s a pretty shitty thing to say to anyone, let alone someone who has struggled with eating disorders. 🙁

I’m really sorry he said that to you. You know your body and the nature of the eating disorder better than anyone, so I really hope if you do make any changes they are because you want to,and I hope you do them in a healthy way from a healthy place. 

Post # 6
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@UKbee:  It sounds like he does support you. Sometimes people need a push to workout and you are already trying to lose weight. It’s a health concern and some people relate weight to physical attractiveness. It’s not his fault he feels that way and I think a good rule for women to remember is don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. Would it be better if he lied? You directly asked him about your weight, meaning you suspected it, and he answered. 

I wouldn’t want my husband to lie to me and I don’t mind when he asks what time I will be working out in the evening. I personally am attracted to my husband for who he is and it isn’t solely tied to how he looks. We have both gained weight and our sex life remains active. However, lots of people don’t feel that way and sexual attraction wanes with physical attraction. 

As for your question, I think it’s important for everyone to stay active and eat healthy for their entire life, so yes, I think you (and everyone) should do that. Not for him, but for your health and self-confidence. I will be honest and say part of why I work out is to look good for my husband, but I wouldn’t become obese if I was single. It’s a balance of motivation for me. 

Post # 7
11266 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@UKbee:  that stings.  is he aware of your past weight issues?  i am sure he feels badly about what he said but he really needs to learn how to be supportive of you and your weight loss struggle.  it’s a very sensitive issue with most women.

Post # 8
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

@UKbee:  OP, I am going to be brutally honest with you…..I think you need to rethink the relationship. I’m not saying your Fiance is a bad guy, but he is obviously a very visual person with very specific tastes. Do you want to go the rest of your life constantly worrying if your husband is attracted to you? What if you have kids? Pregnancy can change your body forever. What if you get injured and can’t work out? There are a million scenarios that can cause your body to change.

I am also concerned how the dynamics of you relationship will affect your eating disorder. That isn’t just a red flag to me, its a giant scarlet banner. Please, please, please do some soul searching about this! 

You will definately be in my thoughts ((((hugs))))))

Post # 9
183 posts
Blushing bee

@UKbee:  I’m sorry you’re going through this!  I’m a little confused though – it sounds like he met  you BEFORE you lost those 35 pounds between June and October.  He must have been attracted to you then, before the weight loss, so why would it be an issue now?

I understand wanting to lose weight for health and self-confidence reasons, and I think that’s an important priority to have in your life – but losing it because he tells you to is a different story.  If this is an ongoing struggle for you, and he wants to marry you, he is going to need to learn to be a little more sensitive and understanding.  It doesn’t sound like he’s being an outright jerk, but if he loves you, your physical, emotional, and mental health should be his number one concern.

Post # 11
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

*hugs* to you lady. I think you have a great attitude though, if you do plan on ditching some weight do it for you and not for him. And yes, he should support you!

Post # 13
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@UKbee:  First of all, I am sorry for your struggle. Having had an eating disorder, your husband should be more sensitive to the subject but at least he is being honest. I would want honesty as well but I totally understand you’re feelings of self conciousness.

I quit smoking in 2010 and I have always been tiny (around 105-110lbs) so when I quit I noticed a little weight gain. I asked my fiance if he noticed and he said yes. Although I wanted the truth, I still felt terrible later… plus I was grumpy cause I just wanted a cigarette lol Anyway, I ended up getting back to my past weight (it was not a large gain) but I hated that he even said anything. He is a big guy. Not fat, but very tall and he is not ripped, he is about 220lbs but no matter what I always tell him that I love him the way he is. Men need to do the same.

Post # 15
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@UKbee:  I feel your pain. I use to be SO skinny and could eat anything I wanted. Now if smell something yummy, I gain 5 pounds. I look back at pictures and get so sad – I know I look different and I know I have to work harder than I ever did before. I also know my husband has noticed – how could he not?! – but I specially choose not to ask him about it. He certainly doesn’t offer up the opinion either. 

What MrPanda99 does is say, great job when I have a good workout and say that he can see my bum getting smaller, or that I look so good. The first time he made the bum comment, I wanted to punch him in the dick BUT then I realized I wanted him to notice. If your man focuses more on the positives, you may find that more motivating than negatives. I like trainers who scream at me and insult me, but I wouldn’t want my husband to. 

Post # 16
1643 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@UKbee:  ok, I may be reading your past timeline wrong…  But weren’t you with your Fiance before you lost weight? Because if so he fell in love with you that way, and shouldn’t blame you for his low sex drive when it’s clear there are lots of other things going on. Do you think he is suffering from depression? Because me ex suffered on and off from depression and an early warning signal to me wasn’t his mood at all it was his sex drive….  Just an idea.

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