- 7 years ago
- Wedding: November 2014 - Mauritius
and yes, maybe He is in denial, especially if he’s got a lot on. Sometimes it’s harder for the person feeling that way to see they are feeling low.
First thing: “voluMPtuous” is not a word. It’s not! The word is “voluptuous”. It drives me crazy when people say and spell that word incorrectly.
Anyhow, I think you shouldn’t have asked him about your weight if you didn’t want an honest answer. Think about it–you put him in a position where he’d either have to hurt your feelings or lie. That’s a no-win situation and a mean way to trap your partner because of your own insecurities. Good for you for overcoming your bulimia. Just be sure you set yourself up for healthy success and don’t poison the well by asking the people that love you loaded questions.
If your Fiance is struggling with stress, weight gain, depression, and low libido–try taking him to the gym with you. Exercise is wonderful for all of those things and will help improve your health for a long future together.
OP, I think you need support in your fitness/weighloss journey, so maybe speak to your Fiance about how he have positively reinforce good behaviour? I use criticism as motivation to do better, but if that’s not your style, then let him know what you need.
@UKbee: It sounds to me like you need to have a very serious talk. If you’ve struggled with your weight your entire life its likely you will continue to do so. He needs to get that and be a peace with it, or not. You can’t go to the gym or diet out of fear of him, or his judgement of your body.
Not to mention that as you get older it will be harder to lose/keep off weight, if you get pregnant your body will change, not to mention that you, like him, like everyone – will age and change. Does he really get that?
If a mere 18 lbs. is enough to make him lose his attraction for you then that’s pretty serious. I get that 18lbs. isn’t an insignificant number but its also not enough to so drastically change your appearance that he can’t find you every bit as attractive as he ever did. If you can accept his being shorter then he should be able to accept your being a little heavier.
I get that physical attraction is real thing and you can’t force it but I also think fairly minor changes in a person you actually love shouldn’t really even register. I also truly believe our society has become brainwashed and riduculous about weight being such a horrific thing and indicative of some sort of awful character flaw.
If your weight is out of control, that’s one thing. A few extra pounds? So what?
@UKbee: Oh deary! I can’t imagine how sad I would feel if my SO said this to me. Sometimes I feel like when we have a hard time maintaining a healthy wieght and finally find a guy who loves us for us, we feel like he is even more magical and special because he isn’t as shallow as all of the other jerks out there. It’s almost like you just found out Santa isn’t real… While his honesty is commendable, I would be worried like others have mentioned if he said this with knowledge that you have had an eating disorder in the past. I also agree that if 18 lbs is enough to bother him, what if you do gain weight eventually and can’t lose it. It only gets harder as we get older. If I were you I’d take some time to make yourself calm down a bit and then talk to him honestly. Explain that it hurt even if he was being honest, and explain your fears that it will be a problem in the future if you gain weight and can’t lose it. You need to clear this up now so you aren’t self conscious for the rest of your lives together! You need to feel 100% comfortable in your own skin around the man you love, so tell him that.
Brutal honesty isn’t true honesty, it’s just brutal. Asking the question out of insecurity did not give your Fiance a free pass to hurt you.
If FI is the kind who can’t see beyond physical changes in weight, age, or health, that could be a serious issue and it would be better to find out now rather than later. I’m not saying break up, but IMO it’s a red flag that he’s said this to someone with your history and before marriage. I would think at a minimum that some premarital counseling is in order.
Outside pressure rarely helps or inspires, and is often counterproductive. The motivation to lose weight for health and fitness has to come from you.
I understand that antidepressants can lead to significant weight gain, so I would speak to your doctor about alternatives if you gained so fast on this medication.
I am sorry, but I have to agree with Bridey. Normally it brings up a yellow flag when I see a couple where the girl is not who the guy is usually attracted to and vice-versa as your case is. However, what brings up the red flag in this case is that your Fiance is letting his standards of attraction/beauty bring you down and possibly trigger you. If he claims to have low drive b/c of your few extra pounds, what will happen 5-10 years down the road when you show more signs of aging? What will happen when you get pregnant (if you want kids together)? You may not feel like it, but right now, you may be at your peak! If he’s making such comments now and feeling this way now… well, it’s not going to get better down the road.
Support is one thing – I get that. “I couldn’t get it up b/c you’ve been lazy about going to the gym despite needing to get a handle on that fat” is not support – it’s emotional bullying.
My heart aches for you. I know I am overweight. I do not need, or want my husband to tell me I am overweight. It is his job to support me and love me UNCONDITIONALLY. I am the type of person who can never forget words that are said, only forgive. I (thankfully), have never had to explain my position on this to DH. In 3ish years, he has never made a comment about my weight.
It is too late to take back the question (or for him, the answer). I would advise to never ask the question again.
My friends tell me not to be silly and we both have a warped view of my weight. Just so you all have an idea I was taking photo’s when I had my dress fitting at the weekend (will be in ivory just in case off subject anyone was curious!) just feel terrible about myself recently and this just hasn’t helped 🙁
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