oh wow, what a tough situation. First, I really want to commend you for trying to talk to your fiance about the issues with your love life. That is such a touchy area that some people won’t even try, and then they find themselves miserable as time goes on and nothing changes. So kudos to you, and to your Fiance, for opening the lines of communication.
Now, I don’t judge you at all for asking what you did about your weight – it’s something I would have thought of myself if i were in that situation, and probably would have asked about as well. I also think it’s okay to be hurt by his response. I’m not saying he was wrong to respond that way, because if that’s how he truly feels, then it’s good to be upfront about it. I may be reading into your post a little too much, but it does sound like he tried not to be cruel about it, and that’s a good thing. It sounds to me like he cares very much about you, and he was trying to be honest while at the same time being gentle. unfortunately, it’s not a topic where that helps you feel any better.
On the other hand, it does sound to me like there are several factors that are playing into this, and I highly doubt that it’s all down to your weight. The stress you mentioned sounds like a BIG factor, and you know, he might also be someone who just doesn’t have a huge drive. Some men are like that, and it can be a very sensitive topic because of how we are trained to think about men’s sexuality. My point is, there are probably many things affecting this, and the only reason you are focused on the weight issue is because of this one conversation.
I think continuing to talk about this with him will help. I would actually show him your first post in this thread, or tell him exactly what you told us there – that you feel worried that unless you meet some physical standard he has set for you for the rest of your life, then he’s going to be put off sex. That’s a huge amount of pressure, and frankly just may not be attainable as our bodies age.
I would also second the thought that some counseling might be in order, maybe for both of you as individuals and as a couple. There are many things a qualified therapist can do to help you with body image issues, your husband to deal with the stressors in his life, and both of you to grow together as a couple.
Hugs. You are a lovely person, and I think your Fiance knows it.