(Closed) FI just told me my weight is causing is low sex drive :(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think you’re just lovely, you do have an itty bitty waist! I’m sorry that your Fiance said that.. I would be upset as well. I just hope that it doesn’t motivate you to fall back into your destructive behavior of restrict/binge/purge/whatever your disorder entailed. It isn’t worth it! If you want to lose weight, do it for YOU, the healthy way with eating right and exercise — but from what I’m looking at, I think you’re beautiful.

Post # 33
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@UKbee:  I think you are absolutely gorgeous. 

I am actually kind of shocked by some of the replies you have gotten on here. Sure, I understand that asking “loaded” questions isn’t always the best thing to do, but at least now you know.

I would do some soul searching and ask yourself if you could live with someone else placing body expectations on you for the rest of your life?

I had a very serious BF before DH that made comments about my weight and told me if I got past a certain weight he would “drop me off at the gym” until it was better. Clearly, our situations are different… Yet, your post reminded me a lot of that. I didn’t realize the stress I put on my body and mind because of it. Just don’t let his comments get to you, you truly are beautiful. 

+1 to 

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@Zhabeego:  I couldn’t have said it any better. 

Post # 34
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@UKbee:  Oh dear, that must have been so, so painful to hear! I’m so sorry. 

In defence of your Fiance – from what you told us it sounds like he’s very sorry he said something that made you sad. I know it doesn’t undo how hurt you feel right now but believe me, there are men out there who wouldn’t “be sorry for telling the truth to your face”. I’ve been on the receiving end of such “truthfulness” and it sucks.  

The way I see it, your Fiance is experiencing a bit of a low sex drive right now and that’s a bad thing for a man, or at least that’s how he might see it. Men are told they should always be ready for “action” from a young age and when they can’t “perform” at a blink of an eye, it takes a toll on their self esteem. So instead of taking the “blame” for his low sex drive and dealing with the fact that work stress is affecting him in the bedroom, it’s much easier for a guy to blame the girl, especially if she brings the reason to him on a silver platter like you did. 

Try looking at it from this angle. It’s better for your self esteem and since your Fiance sounds like he really loves and supports you otherwise, I think you’d better try and treat this a a slip of the tongue more than his actual feelings.

Oh, and btw, you have a lovely shape! 🙂 

Post # 37
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@UKbee:  Awwww….that’s awful 🙁  I think calling someone out like that, especially when they’re feeling down as it is….it’s just inconsiderate and hurtful. Just ignore her… You’re perfect like you are!

Post # 38
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

oh wow, what a tough situation. First, I really want to commend you for trying to talk to your fiance about the issues with your love life. That is such a touchy area that some people won’t even try, and then they find themselves miserable as time goes on and nothing changes. So kudos to you, and to your Fiance, for opening the lines of communication.

Now, I don’t judge you at all for asking what you did about your weight – it’s something I would have thought of myself if i were in that situation, and probably would have asked about as well. I also think it’s okay to be hurt by his response. I’m not saying he was wrong to respond that way, because if that’s how he truly feels, then it’s good to be upfront about it. I may be reading into your post a little too much, but it does sound like he tried not to be cruel about it, and that’s a good thing. It sounds to me like he cares very much about you, and he was trying to be honest while at the same time being gentle. unfortunately, it’s not a topic where that helps you feel any better.

On the other hand, it does sound to me like there are several factors that are playing into this, and I highly doubt that it’s all down to your weight. The stress you mentioned sounds like a BIG factor, and you know, he might also be someone who just doesn’t have a huge drive. Some men are like that, and it can be a very sensitive topic because of how we are trained to think about men’s sexuality. My point is, there are probably many things affecting this, and the only reason you are focused on the weight issue is because of this one conversation.

I think continuing to talk about this with him will help. I would actually show him your first post in this thread, or tell him exactly what you told us there – that you feel worried that unless you meet some physical standard he has set for you for the rest of your life, then he’s going to be put off sex. That’s a huge amount of pressure, and frankly just may not be attainable as our bodies age.

I would also second the thought that some counseling might be in order, maybe for both of you as individuals and as a couple. There are many things a qualified therapist can do to help you with body image issues, your husband to deal with the stressors in his life, and both of you to grow together as a couple.

Hugs. You are a lovely person, and I think your Fiance knows it.

Post # 39
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@UKbee:  Haha! I bet he now wishes he inserted his foot when he opened his mouth! lol It does sound like he’s really sorry.

Go to the gym – not because of what he said but because of your health. But do have a talk when you’re both home. He needs to understand that weight and attraction are a touchy subject and even more so for you, having overcome an eating disorder before. Comments like that might make you want to make yourself sick again after you’ve eaten and that’s a very, very bad thing, which I’m sure he knows. There are other ways in which he can support your efforts to lose weight. Instead of “I’m less attracted to you because you’re heavy” he could say “Dear, go to the gym today, please, I want you to be healthy and feel good about yourself”. 

The other thing I’ve learned is that men are TERRIBLE at knowing when to tell women that they’re not fat! lol So you’re better off not asking them, really. When you have one of those days when you feel unattractive and fat and just all over gross (because who doesn’t have those days?) just post a pic of yourself on Weddingbee and wait for kind words of encouragement – you won’t have to wait long, I’m sure 🙂 
 

Post # 40
Member
15 posts
Newbee

Dont ask your Fiance questions that you don’t want to know the answer to. Thats not playing fair. 

Post # 41
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@MrsPanda99:  are you kidding me ? What kind of reply is that? she has an eating disorder and it’s ok for her husband to push her to lose weight because it’s out of love? Mmm no. 

Post # 42
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I know it’s a rough situation, but to all the PPs who said he was horrible for saying what he did, would you rather have him LIE? It was a discussion, and he answered honestly. That was absolutely the right thing for him to do. If he’d tried to spare your feelings, you’d be in the same boat six months, a year from now, wracking your brain over what could be going on. You should go to the gym. Not because you think you’re fat, but because it’s good for your long term health. Everyone should go. Better for your heart, reduces osteoporosis risk, etc. Learning to get past the hurt and be genuinely honest with each other when something isn’t right is hugely important.

Post # 43
Member
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m not saying your Fiance was WRONG for being honest (although I think knowing your history lying might’ve been nicer)… but if I were you I’d honestly have to spend some serious time considering whether I wanted to be married to someone who had an issue with how I look RIGHTTHISVERYSECOND. I’ve always struggled with my weight and I was bigger than you when I got married. I’ve gained and I’ve lost and my weight has swung up/down 50lbs over the course of my relationship with my husband and he has never for one single second ever made me feel unattractive or unsexy. It’s not that I don’t think he’d like if I ever got really thin– I do think most guys prefer thin over heavy. It’s that I think his love for me overwhelms his vision of me and it sort of doesn’t even matter what I look like because he loves and wants me regardless. (Or if he does consciously wish I’d lose weight he has the good sense to keep his mouth shut about it out of love haha). 

I’m just saying… this would be a BIG issue for me. Because your SO should always make you feel good about yourself regardless, and should not hang his attraction to you or your sex life on the number on th scale. 

Post # 44
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@MariContrary:  Do you understand that she has had an eating disorder to keep herself skinny and people with eating disorders have extremely high rates of relapsing? What he said could be detrimental to her health not helpful. 

OP, because you’ve had an eating disorder and I have studied them I am angry and extremely hurt that he would say that to you. I’m utterly speechless, PLEASE do not let his words ruin your health, whatever route you choose please make sure it’s a healthy one for your sake. 

Post # 45
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@UKbee:  You are beautiful and in my opinion you are not at an unhealthy weight whatsoever. I think you should seek therapy so that his words don’t end triggering you, especially with depression compounding everything and you have already almost relapsed. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it is SO unnecessary!! Please flag posters who are responding negatively because they did not take the time to read your entire OP and reponses. 

This is not a game or a joke and the snark should have NO PLACE in this type of thread!!! 

Post # 46
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@HisBride515:  So what’s worse? Knowing that the issue is there and dealing with it together? Or lying awake thinking ‘Is it him? Is it me? Is he cheating on me and that’s why? Is he unhappy with the relationship?’ 

 When you’re in a relationship, unpleasant truths come out. One way or the  other. HEALTHY relationships face those unpleasant truths and find a way to get through it together. And sometimes, the relationships can’t get through it. That happens too. But there is ZERO chance of fixing an issue when one person lies to the other. There IS a chance here.

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